WAZZAP DUDES? How’s “it” hanging? Good/Normal? Have you eaten a lot of food today? Were you happy when New York’s team won last night, or were you mad? How long have you been wearing the pair of boxer briefs you have on right now? Cool, cool. It’s great when we have time to just chill out with each other and catch up. How’s your GF? You send her flowers recently? She’d probably like that, don’t you think? Cool, it’s w/e. Anyway, sooooo, do you know how to speak English? If you do then you are in luck, but if you do not I have a commercial to show you! It’s coming to you from CCAA, a language school in Brazil, and it features a lot of Megan Foxes and poses the question: What if you find an island with a lot of Megan Foxes, and then all they want to do is TALK to you? And then it gives you the answer: Nothing, because you don’t know how to speak English anyway, and maybe you should’ve taken some classes?

I know if I found a deserted island with a bunch of Megan Foxes I wouldn’t want to waste any time talking to them anyway, AM I RIGHT FELLAS? I’d just go right to touching her face. And then I’d talk at her, but only rhetorically. “How do you look like the way you look?” I’d ask. “Remember when you were in the Diablo Cody movie?” “Your teeth look so nice, isn’t it weird how some people just get to have all this perfect stuff about them? And it’s like, how did that all come together? Oh but don’t you have a weird thing with your toes or whatever? Do you think it’s like God made you and then Jesus was like ‘God, GMAFB’ and then God was like, ‘Fine,’ and then messed up your toes or whatever, and then Jesus was like, ‘Gahhh-oodddd.’ Because that was not what Jesus was talking about? Are you listening to me?” Also: Mike Tyson. (Via Uproxx.)

Comments (57)
  1. I think that if I washed up on a desert island with an army of Megan Foxes, not being able to speak English would be the least of my problems.

  2. Just my luck, I’d probably end up on the neighboring island full of Shia Labeoufs instead.

  3. I think almost everyone in the world already speaks better English than Mike Tyson and Megan Fox.

  4. I’d bring a copy of Transformers 2 with me to the island so I could point out that she really isn’t too hot at speaking English, either.

  5. Did the Mike Tysons rape their island? That place looked like a disaster.

  6. I thought I landed on Fleet Foxes island once, but it turned out that I just got off the subway in Williamsburg.

    • My Fleet Foxes joke was posted one minute before yours, but I suspect that yours might be better, seeing as how you seem to have some familiarity with their music, whereas I have only heard their name in passng.

    • I thought I landed on Newt Gingrich Island once, but it was a weird “Swingers Eat Free” night at Golden Corral.

  7. I thought I landed on Redd Foxxes island once, and then I grabbed my chest and yelled for Elizabeth to take me home.

  8. I thought I landed on Michael J Foxes island once, and respectfully didn’t make a joke about Parkinsons.

  9. I thought I landed on Matthew Foxes island once and then got rescued and then yelled to everyone that I HAD TO GO BACK!

    • This one. I’m going with this one. Thanks to everyone for letting me transparently workshop my comment.

      • Thank YOU, sir, for giving us a glimpse into the mind of Frank Lloyd Wrong. Now can you please let us out as quickly as possible?

      • I thought I landed on Matthew Foxes island once, and I was like, ‘whoa so many Mathew Foxes! more like Party of 5,000,000,000!”

      • It gets pretty rough on Matthew Fox Island.

        • Thankfully one man knows how to save us all…

          • Also: I just found out about this last week and it’s fucking amazing.

            http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrcF7dYADsw

          • It’s that sort of video that reminds me how terrible that awful terrible garbage ending actually was. I’m not going to go into detail about how I personally rationalize how terrible it was, but I will say that if the ending to Battlestar – a show I would have had intercourse with if it were possible to have intercourse with a show – made me (briefly) reconsider the time I invested in it (phew though…still worth it) – you can imagine what the ending to Lost made me think.

            Yup. It made me think that I’m an idiot for investing that much time in a show I should have known better was a whole lot of Snake Oil.

          • All I want is a Widmore episode. Maybe two. And not that ending. And maybe let’s just scrap the whole 6th season and put the Richard Alpert ep in the 5th season and just let the whole series end with the white title screen.

          • …And maybe a Lapidus spin-off.

            Ambiguous endings are the best. You don’t have to wrap everything in a neat package guys! Especially if there’s nothing in the box.

          • I know that this subject has already been beaten into a gooey paste by the internet and then beaten even further into its component atoms, but I will NEVER get over the ending of Battlestar. It still feels like yesterday…. What makes it worse is that when it originally aired, I was an apologist for it because I was so relieved that it made some kind of sense and tied together a lot of threads that I thought they were just going to leave hanging. It had a lot of problems that I was willing to overlook but there’s one thing that the more I think about, the more I can’t get over it and I’m amazed anew every time it springs to mind (which isn’t often, but still) (SPOILER!): Starbuck. Writers of the past, if you don’t have any idea how you’re going to bring her back, don’t kill Starbuck. Please, PLEASE don’t bring her back as Jesus. That is not an option. That is not even a cop-out. The word has yet to be invented for what that is. Whatever that word will be, it will be a very, very bad swear word.

            How many years has it been and I’m getting angry again. I’ve tried rewatching some of the episodes I loved and I can’t. It’s been completely ruined.

          • Ehhhh, I was SO into that journey though that it didn’t matter. The thing about Battlestar (in my mind) that keeps it in my heart, is that aside from a few boring one-off episodes (Black Market, i.e) I had a ton of fun watching it. I think they didn’t draw the show out too long (3 seasons – perfect,) and so I didn’t invest too much of my time into something that ended very deus ex machina. I never really cared about them “tying it all together” because I didn’t care very much. I liked the characters and I never really took all the magical/prophecy stuff too seriously.

            LOST however was boring as fuck always, and the excitement came from the inevitable reveal. I was invested in that show solely waiting for it to explain all the stuff, and 6 season later, JJ Abrams can go suck a fuck.

          • Other acceptable spin-offs:

            Dharmies: Hurley and Miles are roommates in the 70s at the Dharma Initiative and smoke pot all day while discussing string theory. Faraday and Sawyer are also there, though Sawyer becomes less of a wacky neighbor after he has a bunch of very cute very blonde babies with Juliette. Kate and Jack are dead — not alt. universe dead but just never heard of or mentioned once.

            A dramady crime show based on Sawyer and Miles as police detectives. Miles is still psychic and shakes down ghosts for money. They always eat at Mr. Cluck’s and befriend the mysterious owner of the chain, who starts helping them solve silly crimes throughout the L.A. area. Also, every criminal is given an awesome nickname. Jack and Kate are still dead. Widmore is behind all the crimes. Title TBD.

            Oh Lapidus! Lapidus is drunk and awesome on a beach. The Man in Black is also there, because he’s kind of hot and seems to like wine. Charles Widmore is the rich land owner who is unhappy with these hippies’ ways. (Loosely based on the plot of Club Paradise.)

          • I’m a lot more philosophical about Lost’s ending (not very good but good enough) and a lot less so about Battlestar’s. Believe me, I wish Battlestar wasn’t ruined for me because I was really into it and I think that’s the problem. I was so invested in the characters and their journey and all that that the ending was more than a disappointment, it was a betrayal. The problem when I try going back to the show now is that I can’t suspend my disbelief any more. The world the characters live in has no rules, it obeys no logic, it’s just a succession of shocking twists that the writers thought would make good TV with no other consideration in mind. That’s probably an overstatement but that’s how it seems to me. Now when I watch it all I see is bad puppeteering. But I do envy your unsullied enjoyment.

            I will drop it now. Before the internet decays completely and devolves into a heat death of people bitching about the Star Wars prequels, people bitching about the ending of Battlestar Galactica will be the last to go. So, sorry. But on the other hand, by the logic of that analogy, I will outlive you all. See? MY WORLD HAS INTERNAL CONSISTENCY!

            Dropping it.

          • We Need To Talk About Claire A cross between Hoarders and Intervention and What Not To Wear — someone makes Claire take a shower, brush her hair and ditch that goddamn squirrel baby.

            BBC America presents Desmond and Penny and Charlie and Faraday Penny ditches her trust fund to live with her true love… but they soon realize they can’t live on their own. A nice rock star takes them into his mansion. Midway through the first season series, Penny learns she has a half-brother in America who teaches at Oxford. He moves in too.

          • I spent a lot of my time resolving my anger with LOST’s ending by creating much more awesome spin-offs in my head for about a summer.

            I also created one where Paris Geller is the Bachelorette and just goes to town on all the mouth-breathers that apply to be on reality crap like that.

          • I could not be more on board with any Spin Offs involving Miles.

            @Spidermonk

            Dropped! Even though I have much more to say on the subject. No, it’s dropped. It’s way to dropped to be picked up.

  10. I thought I landed on Frank Lloyd Wrights Island once, but it turned out that I was Frank Lloyd Wrong.

  11. I thought I landed on…ah, fuck it. Too slow.

  12. Oh hello Megan foxes!

    Fuck off, Purity Bear!

  13. At 0:02, you can clearly see the smoke monster near the plane. THEY HAD IT PLANNED ALL ALONG!!!

  14. Monsters, these comments were some of your best work. Upvotes to everyone. Still laughing. I’m on Monster island and ….oh, I can’t compete.

  15. I can’t watch this video, so I only generally get the idea of what’s happening. But I’m giggling at the thought that they have a scenario where dudes land on Megan Fox Island, and are so thrilled. Then for the “something for the ladies” portion of the commercial, they land on Mike Tyson Island. Yay!

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