Thanks, Purity Bear! As the official Day of Purity website reminds us, the Day of Purity is either Valentine’s Day OR the previous weekday, whatever that even MEANS. This year, Valentine’s Day falls on a Tuesday, so I think that means that the Day of Purity is on a Tuesday, or maybe it is on a Monday? Just to be safe, nobody ever have sex ever again. And if you are going to have sex, stay safe, wear a bible. P.S. Your boyfriend totally WOULD say “now this feels right” as he is about to marry you in a dark church completely devoid of people. (Thanks for the tip, Colin.)

Comments (54)
  1. I vow that on the 2012 Day of Purity I will eschew blended scotches in favor of single malts.

  2. Ahh, good to hear Lorenzo Music, original voice of Garfield is still finding work.

  3. So the bear wants the kid to fuck it?

  4. “I can’t decide which symbol represents ‘purity’ more, the one where the Mars symbol is facehumping the Venus symbol, or the three intertwined labia… Let’s just go with both.”

  5. i did not think talking toys could be any creepier, but purity bear’s sense of over morality and tendency to sneak up behind people totally proved me wrong

  6. Choosing not to have sex when you COULD is pretty fucked up. That’s like getting a handicapped parking permit just because you don’t feel like walking.

  7. If only there was a bear to teach us how marriage is a decision that could define the rest of our lives.

    Oh well! Let’s get married so we can go bang!

  8. Purity Bear’s arch nemesis?

  9. Wait, but Is it true that if you don’t use it, you lose it?

  10. This is what happens when you lend Kirk Cameron your copy of Donnie Darko.

  11. by purity bear’s own cuddle logic, that guy could just as easily married the bear and been in the right, correct?

  12. Any dude listening to a stuffed bear isn’t really holding onto his purity by choice, you know what I’m saying…

  13. If a teenager is swayed by a PSA with a talking teddy bear, it’s pretty safe to assume they were going to remain pure for a while anyways

  14. my Purity Bear PSA just reminds teens to wash their genitals

  15. I bet the follow up “If you touch it, you’ll go blind” video was awkward.

  16. Thanksgiving must be awkward.

  17. “Hahaha, nope.” –

  18. What makes me happy is that she will probably have a baby at 19 and what the world really needs is another Christian American raised by self-righteous children to further overextend our resources and all so they could bone in the loving eyes of God.

    Fuck you people. (not my Videogum friends, of course, just idiotic Christian breeders that listen to a stuffed bear. And, seriously, why do those fucks always drive SUVs? Shit like this makes me wish the Rapture did happen.

    • That came off crankier than usual. I just really dislike Christian breeders in SUVs.

      • I know how you feel. I know someone who bred like a rabbit because she claimed that’s how God likes it, but she didn’t and still doesn’t feel responsible in taking care of them. She’s on welfare, had 2 daughters with teen pregnancies, children taken away by ACS, and she acts like it’s the world’s problem now.

        To quote Dorothy Zbornak, “Condoms, Rose! Condoms, condoms condoms!”

  19. Even the doors in Purity Day commercials are opposed to Purity Day!

  20. Just wait until she gets Cancer or MS! He is so out the door like Newtie bear!

  21. Did anyone else notice that the girl’s front door had a sign on it that said “Please use front entrance”? Like they filmed it at the emergency exit at their church instead of just finding a real front door? It’s details like that that really break the internal reality of the video and pulls the viewer out of the story. But more importantly, THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID (on their wedding night)!!!!!!

    • If stats about things like purity pledges and the like are any indication, the alternative to going to the church for a quicky wedding is “Please use anything but the front entrance”.

  22. “Hey – don’t do it. This decision could define the rest of your life.. Instead, enter a legally (and I guess in your eyes eternally) binding contract with this chick, THEN do it.”

  23. Is Purity Bear meant to be terrifying? Because he is.

  24. True story. When I was 15 or 16 and not yet boning (though ardently aspiring to bone at every turn) I spent a weekend at a religious retreat, and I very clearly remember the “youth leader” who was 19 or 20 and told us this, in a tone of solemn remorse: “When I was your age, every weekend I went to wild parties and had sex with a different girl, a beautiful girl, so many I couldn’t keep track, blondes, brunettes, whatever — and I thought I was having the time of my life. But then, one morning, I sat at the edge of the bed and looked back at last night’s girl, who was still asleep, and I realized I was alone. I realized sex with all these girls was empty, and not fun at all, and I had to stop.” So then he asked THE LORD to enter his heart or some shit, who the hell knows, to this day I still want to strangle the living piss out of that dude.

  25. Going to be such a let down.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.