hitler_wahlberg

Mark Wahlberg and some piece of shit hanger-on that he always hangs around with were doing crunches and burpees and dips in Mark Wahlberg’s mansion’s basement gym at 3AM on a Tuesday morning. The dude, let’s call him Truck, was flipping through the channels on the 120″ projection screen across from the wall of mirrors, trying to find something to pump them up, like a UFC fight, or porn, when he stumbled across a History channel documentary about fighter pilots in the second world war. “I tell you what,” Mark Wahlberg grunted, pouring tanning oil over his torso even though he was inside and it was the middle of the night, “if I’d been around that whole thing wouldn’t have gone down like that.”

“What thing?” Truck asked.

“World War II, kid,” Mark Wahlberg said.

“What’s World War II?” the fucking idiot asked.

“You know that movie Valkyrie?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

“Yeah.”

“That.”

“What do you mean it wouldn’t have gone down like that? Like, you would have been in World War II instead of Tom Cruise?”

“I’m just saying, if I was in first-class Nazi, Germany with my kids, there would have just been a lot of blood in the crematoria and then me saying “OK, we’re going to be a democratic republic with no genocide very soon. Don’t worry.”

Truck made a protein shake but he put tequila in it for some reason. He also excused himself to the bathroom where he jerked off into the sink before returning to the weight room and looking his friend, Mark Wahlberg in the eye. “I been thinking about all that stuff you said earlier,” he said.

“You mean two minutes ago, before you jerked off in the bathroom?”

“Yeah. I mean, you’re Mark Wahlberg, son! I’m just sayin’, like, maybe you’re right, you know? Maybe it would have been different with you there and all that shit. You know?”

“Yeah, I know,” Mark Wahlberg said. “I’m the one who said it. Of course I know. I’m Mark Wahlberg, co-owner of Wahlburgers.”

“No, yeah, but I mean, what I’m saying is why don’t you change it? You’re rich and famous. You own a state-of-the-art time machine. You’re Mark Fucking Wahlberg!”

Mark Wahlberg clenched his jaw and stared at his friend that so many people had told him throughout his life he should stop being friends with because the guy was a leech and a piece of shit, but maybe also he was a genius? Mark Wahlberg wiped the gym sweat off his body with a brand new towel and threw that towel in the garbage. Finally, he nodded. Without saying a word, Mark Wahlberg left his friend and went upstairs into his mansion to the time machine room. He didn’t even bother putting a t-shirt on as he stepped into the atomization chamber and punched in the dates. January 30, 1933. The day Hitler was appointed chancellor of the coalition government. He stepped onto the stone steps of the Reichstag in central Berlin. People were like, “Oh shit!” Mark Wahlberg didn’t even look at them. He just walked right up to the podium and was like, “Yo! Hitler!” Slowly, Hitler turned to face this glistening, shirtless man in cargo shorts and those disgusting finger-toed shoes that only assholes wear. Before he could even get out a word, Mark Wahlberg grabbed his head and snapped his neck. As Hitler’s body slumped to the ground, Mark Wahlberg let out a barely audible “PAH!” but you could hear it fine, actually. It was super loud, actually.

And that’s why World War II never happened!

Comments (40)
  1. If anyone’s gonna kill Hitler, I suppose it should be the guy from Shooter.

  2. I always assumed Marky Mark danced his way to victory.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-eSN8Cwit_s&ob=av3e

  3. World War 3? The one with the Vietnamese-American Hitler? That’s right.

  4. I only hope Hitler’s mustache hair didn’t get caught in Marky-Mark’s man-bracelet. Like, that shit’s hard to get out. And who knows what kind of Butterfly Effect THAT might cause.

  5. What even is this blog now, stile project dot com?

  6. “i’d probably go back and time and save the inspiration for Turtle from dying of an asthma attack first. Hitler can wait” – mark wahlberg in next week’s Gentleman’s Healthy Abs Workout Tuxedo Monthly

  7. “Is Wahlburgers worth checking out this weekend?” the fucking idiot asked.

  8. but in this alternate reality will Men’s Fitness still be around to do another groundbreaking Wahlberg exposé?

  9. I wonder how/if the Marshall plan would have been implemented in a post-Wahlberg Germany.

  10. “Trapped in the past, Mark Wahlberg finds himself leaping from life to life, putting things right that once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.”

  11. One time, because of a typo, I went back in time to kiss Hitler. :(

  12. It’s crazy, but this story is actually more realistic than the one where Marky Mark was able to take down a gang of armed terrorists and safely land a 747.

  13. “World War II, kid,” Mark Wahlberg said.

    “What’s World War II?” the fucking idiot asked.

    “You know that movie Valkyrie?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “No.”

    “You know that movie Letters from Iwo Jima?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “No.”

    “You know that movie Miracle at St. Anna?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “No.”

    “You know that movie Inglourious Basterds?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “No.”

    “You know that show Band of Brothers?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “No.”

    “You know that show The Pacific?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “No.”

    “You know that movie Atonement?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “No.”

    “You know that movie Flags of Our Fathers?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “No.”

    “You know that movie 1941?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “No.”

    “You know that movie Captain Corelli’s Mandolin?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “No.”

    “You know that movie Saving Private Ryan?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “No.”

    “You know that movie The Thin Red Line?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “No.”

    “You know that movie Hart’s War?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “No.”

    “You know that movie Schindler’s List?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “No.”

    “You know that movie Life is Beautiful?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “No.”

    “You know that movie Memphis Belle?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “No.”

    “You know that movie Empire of the Sun?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

    “Yes.”

    “Really?!”

    “No.”

    • “You know that movie Captain America?” Mark Wahlberg asked.

      “Yeah! Wait- was Hitler that guy with the red head?”

    • I was with some friends and one of the friend’s nieces was staying with him so she was there. She was 16. And someone mentioned Hitler (he always comes up). And this girl said, “Who’s Hitler?” We replied, “You know, Adolf Hitler. Germany. World War II.” She literally had no idea. No idea. What?!? I could understand not knowing Neville Chamberlain, or Gerald Ford, or Lord Wellington — but how the hell do you live 16 years in America (uh… Florida) and not ever hear of Hitler? He’s in every movie! He has his own internet meme for god’s sake! But nope. No idea. And she thought we were weird for knowing.

      • on a related note, a couple years ago, talking to this cute 20something year old girl, I made some passing reference to the Drudge Report and she goes, in spacey slow girl mouth, “What’s a druuuudge repoooooorrrrrrt?”

      • Lord Wellington is responsible for both beef and vegetable wellington, yes? Where you take a delightful food product and cover it in filo dough? That guy is a hero.

    • This is the best post I’ve read.

  14. Way cooler if it was Marky Mark and he found a way to dance/white rap Hitler to death.

  15. This is by far the best You Can Make It Up for a while. Maybe only because Mark Wahlberg is so deserving of ridicule. Some guy somewhere said something like, “The persons and/or people who are the most deserving of contempt are not those who are most frequently contempted. In fact, it is those other people, the ones doing the contempting, with their Contempt Spectrum Shades, who are the ones who are truly worthy of the thing we were just talking about. Back rubs! That’s it. God I could go for one. Roll me over, babe?”

    That guy was Jesus.

    • I forgot to mention the other point of that last post, which was that Jesus wasn’t including Mark Wahlberg in the equation when he said that thing he said. When he said it in the Biblical times.

  16. There once was a man named Dirk Diggler…

  17. But can he get Lady Mary and Matthew to hook up?

  18. Of the three people in this story, Mark Wahlberg, Hitler, and a random bystander, you sure make an interesting choice in which one to call “the fucking idiot”…

  19. This line: “OK, we’re going to be a democratic republic with no genocide very soon. Don’t worry.”

  20. “OK, we’re going to be a democratic republic with no genocide very soon. Don’t worry.”

    I am DEAD at that line.

    Cremate me and scatter my ashes over the ocean please.

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