Guys, how intense was Restaurant Wars last week? JK. JK JK. But all the chefs are in the stew room just dealing with it. Muddling through. Can you even–did he really–who do they think–and cetra. Tom walks in and everyone just groans. Haha. UGH, THIS FUCKIN’ GUY. Tom just tells them that they’re heading back to San Antonio and he will see them there. You gotta love this show’s insistence on perfect continuity. There is not a moment that goes by that we do not know where our chefs are and how they got there. (i.e. there is not a moment that goes by where we don’t know what particular type of Toyota they are driving and how “sick” it is, which is generally “totally sick.”) Everyone drives back to San Antonio and we see them shuffle into the house. GOOD GRIEF, WE GET IT ALREADY. They really could have cut out a lot of this stuff and saved more airtime for the exciting SHOPPING MONTAGE. The next day, the gang is back in the Top Chef kitchen with guest judge Eric Ripert and a mysterious conveyor belt. For the Quickfire Challenge it is explained that everyone has half an hour to cook, and they have to use three ingredients off the conveyor belt in their dish, and the longer you wait for ingredients, the better the ingredients will be, but the less time you’ll have to cook. This is all fine and good as a reality TV challenge, but Eric Ripert tries to explain how this somehow correlates to the actual challenges a chef faces and I do not believe him. In what way does a conveyor belt filled with graham crackers and Pop Rocks combined with a time constraint and the necessity of using the graham crackers and the Pop Rocks even if you don’t want to correlate in any way with real cooking? DM me, Eric Ripert. Anyway, cook cook cook. Convey convey convey.

This seems like a pretty tough challenge, although many of the chefs have the pretty smart idea of just cooking some stuff that they know will be good and keeping their eye on the conveyor belt to grab something they feel like they can hide in their dish. But then people also make really weird choices, like, goldfish crackers? You don’t HAVE to grab those! And Ed grabs macadamia nuts and then two seconds later grabs a jar of sauerkraut because Ed is making Barf Soup. The funniest part of the challenge is watching Scrunchie Chris constantly try and grab a bucket of lobsters off the belt. It really brings out the nerd in him. Like, just picture a nerd in your mind, and now picture that nerd going “God damn it!” a bunch. And, like, slapping his thighs. That’s Scrunchie Chris.

Eventually he manages to pull one lobster out of the bucket and drop it on the floor. He will use this in a dish that combines lobster, foie gras, and cauliflower. He will use this dish to lose the challenge. Haha. DORK. And, like what is his wife even TALKING about?

Uh, haha, no.

The bottom three are Scrunchie Chris with his Floor Lobster, Dakota with her fish hidden under a pile of goldfish cracker crumbles, and Paul’s mussels with bitter melon. That melon is too bitter! The winning dishes are Sarah’s fried something or other with cottage cheese sauce (eek), Lindsay’s “bouillabaisse,” and Beverly’s salmon except that Beverly forgot at the last second to put her curried Rice Krispies on the salmon so she’s disqualified. Ed says that if he was Beverly he would have cheated. Cool. It’s funny how you don’t even have to admit that you’re a cheater and a liar because it’s not your problem and you got your dish together, but just for the record, Ed would like you to know that if given the opportunity he WILL cheat and lie. And grind his teeth constantly. Ed, what’s up with your mouth, buddy? Padma tells Beverly that if she had gotten her Rice Krispies on the dish she would have won by a mile. Really? A mile? Fair enough. This crushes Beverly who really wanted immunity in the Elimination Challenge, which is a fine thing to want, but is kind of sad insofar as you aren’t going to win this show by just coasting by on Quickfire immunities. I don’t think? Has that ever happened? Hold on let me fall asleep and who cares. Lindsay wins. She says this is a backhanded compliment because the judges clearly liked Beverly’s dish better. LADIES! Let’s buck up a little bit, huh? We do not all need to be SO SENSITIVE ABOUT EVERY LITTLE THING.

The Elimination Challenge this week is Charlize Theron. Something like that. They have to cook Charlize Theron? I am not sure. It’s a very convoluted and poorly justified tie-in to her new Snow White movie but the real point is that Charlize Theron. And Charlize Theron. So make sure to Charlize Theron your Charlize Therons if you want to Charlize Theron in the game.

Charlize Theron explains that she is a big fan of the show and that “I love food,” in a way that really makes you feel like she does not love food. I mean, she probably does, what do I know. But the way she says it is REAL suspicious. It is very NARC School, school full of NARCs. “You cool dudes know where I could score any food around here?” They have to make a meal fit for a queen because something something CHARLIZE THERON.

Q: How hard is Padma trying to hold it together with another beautiful, successful woman in the room who doesn’t smell like a walk-in freezer?

A: Very hard!

Sarah says that cooking for Charlize Theron is kind of a dream come true. What dream would that be?

Shop shop shop. Bored bored bored. There is a montage of Beverly crashing her shopping cart into everything. Paul says that the other chefs underestimate Beverly, which may or may not be true. I’m starting to get the feeling that the other chefs estimate her perfectly. Cook cook cook. Wicked wicked wicked. In the end it will turn out that everyone cooks the best dishes of the season and they cohesively prepare a delicious and imaginative meal, but hearing them talk about the ways in which their dish is “evil” is exhausting. “There is a white sauce and a black sauce, which epitomizes the eternal war between good and evil.” OH JUST PUT THEM SAUCES ON THE CHICKEN PLATE. Enough! “I’m making a witch’s stew.” WITCHES AREN’T REAL AND THEY DON’T EAT STEW. Lindsay uses dragon beans, which Charlize Theron says is perfect, but guess what: there aren’t any dragons in Snow White, so it’s not actually perfect. What it is is BEANS. It’s beans. Anyway.

Everyone’s food is as delicious as the gothic themed dining room is ridiculous. So, very. The judges seem more and more impressed with each course that comes out. Paul puts a “bloody” handprint on the plate, which I think is disgusting, but which everyone else seems to think is hilarious. I get how it fits with the theme, but if you went to a restaurant and they served you a dish with a fake bloody handprint on it, I would, well, I would think that dish looked disgusting.

Not that different from now, I guess. Grayson makes black chicken and serves it with the claws on, which is certainly gruesome, and then she puts a quail egg on top and says the quail egg “represents” the baby that was “inside of her.” UHHHHHH. First of all, it doesn’t REPRESENT the baby that was inside of her. It IS the baby that was inside of her. Chicken eggs only represent fertility and life and death when you relate them to things that AREN’T chickens. If you put an egg on a chicken, you are definitely being pretty straight-forward. She says this story about the “baby inside of her” three times and each time it is even a little bit worse as if that’s possible.

Scrunchie Chris makes a poison apple that makes Tom ejaculate into his pants. I’m sorry, that’s just what happens. He is so gassed.

Apparently everything that comes out of Charlize Theron’s mouth is gold.

The judges love all the food and say that it’s one of the best meals they’ve had in Top Chef herstory. It’s going to be hard to eliminate someone because it’s going to be nit-picking over small mistakes. I’m sure they’ll figure it out somehow. They call all of the chefs to Judges’ Table and applaud them all. They’re all winners in Tom’s book, sort of, except the person who will lose. Charlize Theron says how proud she is to have inspired them, which is hilarious. First of all, you didn’t create this challenge. Second of all, the challenge is a movie tie-in to Snow White, which you also didn’t create. I’m just saying: take it easy Mrs. Holland. Ed replies that they are only there to please her. GROSS, ED, PUT YOUR JAW AWAY. In the end, the winner is Paul, for his bloody foie gras forest and beet juice handprint. Congratulations Paul. He wins two tickets to the world premiere of Charlize Theron’s Snow WHite movie. Haha. Uh huh. What a wonderful prize for a grown man to win! Ed, Scrunchie Chris, and Lindsay are all safe, which leaves Sarah, Beverly, and Grayson on the bottom.

Grayson’s “baby inside her” egg was cooked a little weird and her greens were too salty. No one liked Beverly’s sauce and she did not go very wild with the theme. Sarah’s risotto was undercooked and there was too much cheese in it. Everyone seems to have been asked to explain why they should stay in the competition, even though we never actually hear any of the judges ask them to, so it’s just all three of them giving grandiose speeches about what is in their hearts and then sometimes crying also. I know I suggest this to the judges every week, but you COULD, if you WANTED, eliminate all three of them? I’m just saying that would be OK. The judges eliminate Beverly. Oh well. This is perfectly reasonable insofar as Beverly kind of seemed out of her depth, and it never seemed like she was going to actually win. But it’s frustrating to see her go before Sarah because fuck Sarah.

NOTE: I don’t have any screencaps of Beverly losing or Sarah being a bitch because my DVR has messed up two weeks in a row with this show it’s like even my DVR don’t care no more.

Goodbye, Beverly. You were kind of a mess and you definitely cry a little easier than anyone would be comfortable with and also you sometimes seem to think that what matters in your heart is more important than what is on your plate, but you also seem like a nice person and haters gonna hate, or whatevar. At least you lasted a few more weeks than Heather. Sometimes that is all one can hope for in this life.

Comments (27)
  1. I’d eat that.

  2. Mmmmmm Charlize Theron, drrroooool…

  3. I tried to click on that Beverly poll, because I’m an idiot. I am kind of sad to see her go, because at least she seemed like a nice person who enjoyed cooking. Meanwhile, Sarah who is the worst cheftestant since Heather is still in it, even though she made basically the same thing as last week (risotto with cheese in it, look it up). She is only there to survive as long as possible, not to try to be the best chef. Still, rather Beverly than Grayson. Also, I guess it’s really Paul’s to lose now, as he seems to be consistently on top.

    OT: Did anyone catch Ink Master? That show was crazaming, from Dave Navarro claiming he was a good judge because he has a lot of tattoos, the weird porn nicknames the contestants have, the vague criteria for winning or losing and the fact they called the people they tattooed ‘human canvasses’? Must see TV.

    • Does anyone know why everyone is always saying, “Sarah REALLY KNOWS HER FLAVORS” like every single week? I’m assuming that’s the only reason why she’s still around. Because flavors duh.

    • when is someone going to tell Sarah that it isn’t Top Risotto? And that maybe she isn’t good at making risotto anyway? Oh wait, they’ve told her that second part at least three times this season.

  4. hey, did anyone see Ty-Lör Boring’s naked wang photos? they exist. so that’s something.

  5. I love that Grayson is bringing infanticide to the American dinner plate. Nom nom nom.

  6. “I took the challenge really literally, so I’ve prepared a plate of poached dwarf turds with just a hint of a dead girl’s nail clippings”–Grayson

  7. “…Dakota with her fish hidden under a pile of goldfish cracker crumbles…”

    PUT THE KNIFE IN DEEPER, GABE.

    (I miss Dakota.)

  8. Did anyone watch Last Chance Kitchen last night? You know, the exciting bonus competition where our eliminated chefs compete in head-to-head challenges to earn a spot on the real Top Chef competition? No? Well, let me tell you what happened.

    So Nyesha – remember Nyesha? – is on a real winning streak. She has defeated Ty-lor, Gay Chris, Ugly Heather, and the two nondescript white chicks. She’s only a few more wins away from getting back to the Big Dance (after all, she was eliminated by no fault of her own. I believe it was nondescript white chick #2 who brought her down in a team challenge).

    Okay, so Bev enters into Last Chance Kitchen and Nyesha’s all: “I saw Bev and I knew I would win this round easily.” Tom asks all the spectators, aka. all the eliminated chefs (who aren’t back home with their families yet for some reason) who they think will win this challenge. Lo and behold, who should feel the need to chime in first but Ugly Worst who can’t help from being The Worst so she declares that Nyesha will win because when you’re The Worst you have little regard for how other people will perceive you. Tom, who’s always above the fray, and points out that The Worst has a vendetta against little Beverly and so her opposition is boring because of how obvious it is. Tom asks if anyone else thinks Bev will win and nobody raises their hand and Bev is crying about this in the interview (no duh and also poor Bev. Cheer up, you’re good at cooking or so it would seem. And also, you have a giant bottle of wine).

    So Tom tells them they have 30 minutes to cook, I dunno, something. I forget now. The twist is they can only pass through the pantry once, which makes it seem like the challenge is about being mentally organized. Bev is manic in the pantry and bumps into Nyesha and Nyesha is all, “Jesus Christ.”

    The two chefs return to their stations to start cooking and then we see Tom run – yes, he really is shown running as if something bad as happened – back to the kitchen to deliver the real twist. The chefs must switch stations and use the ingredients the other chef intended to use. Bev looks through Nyesha’s assortment and seems pretty happy about her options. Nyesha, on the other hand, is livid because Bev’s ingredients are Asian and also boring. She’ll use a pineapple, but she’s not happy about it, not even at all.

    Cook cook cook. Fillet fillet fillet, as Gabe would say. Except Bev isn’t filleting her fish yet at all, even though time is running out. You’re running out of time, Bev! Fillet your fish! says someone. Everyone is on the edge of their seat but, believe it or not, both chefs finish on time like usual.

    Bev is happy and Tom likes her dish and says she should experiment outside of Asian cuisine more often. Nyesha is still very not happy about the twist, but Tom is also quite pleased with her dish.

    And then, in the upset of the millennium, Bev is declared the winner. Shades of the NY Giants over the Pats in the Super Bowl, right everyone? The Worst is not happy about this (I’m assuming). And Nyesha is not happy either, since Bev was so easy to beat, except that never made sense, Nyesha, because presumably every week a stronger chef will be eliminated making Bev the strongest chef you faced. Why did everyone hate Bev so much? Sure, she’s weak and scared, but she received many compliments on her cooking ability. Confusing.

    Next week on Last Chance Kitchen: Bev vs. Grayson, probably. Sorry, Grayson.

    • Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

    • Also, thank you for the recap, Peeps. I can’t bring myself to watch it but I have been curious as to who has won.

    • This was a fucking crime. They might as well have just judged the contestants on the other chef’s dish. “Okay, Nyesha, well done, but tonight you will be judged on Beverly’s dish.” Terrible. When there are a dozen chefs in one challenge, go ahead with all the fakeouts and bullshit you want, but when it’s heads up there is no place for that.

      Chris J is gone next week, says I, not Grayson. Final four: Paul, Ed, Grayson, Sarah. Assuming Bev does not climb back from LCK and win the whole thing in which case fuck.

      • Good call on Chris J. I like Grayson quite a bit and I’d like to see her leave the least. I think Lindsay might have a better shot at the final four, unfortunately.

        I can imagine some strange scenario where Paul gets eliminated only to return via LCK and everyone’s all “whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.” Top Chef. They know drama.

  9. When they announced Paul was the winner, I couldn’t remember what he served. And then it seemed to me at first that all he’d won was two tickets to see the movie, not a trip to the premier. They must not have had any special hotel sponsors for that one cause they didn’t gush about what fancy hotel he’d get to stay in or what airline he’d get to fly.

  10. Mr. Holland’s Opus reference FTW!

  11. This season has been a dead bore except for showing how incredibly much Heather, Sara, and Lindsey don’t like Beverly, and Beverly taking it for some damn reason. I wouldn’t have, I would have bitch slapped all three verbally and gone on cooking. The WTF moment for me was having to hear again about how great Lindsay was at holding the team together and as FOH (which by the way she sucked at with her perma bitchface look) for RW by Sarah. Please lose both L and S, so that I don’t have to hear either again.
    I suspect that Chris J will be out next week, although he should have gone awhile ago, but at least he can leave happy, I guess. Thanks for showing his little family, who I had totally forgotten. I suspect the whole thing is down to Paul and Eddie the Jaw, with them sneaking Beverly in briefly.

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