Kelly: Hi, Gabe
Gabe: hi kelly
Kelly: How have you been
Gabe: oh, fine
Gabe: thank you so much for asking
Kelly: Well, I care about you.
Kelly: And that’s good to hear.
Kelly: So not to just change the subject but you know the show Modern Family?
Gabe: the struggling underdog?
Gabe: the little show that could?
Gabe: of course
Gabe: we’re all rooting for those guys
Kelly: Yeah, well, it has a gay couple on it.
Gabe: i know, it’s amazing
Gabe: what’s up?
Gabe: what’s up with all of our friends?
Kelly: They’ve made another bold decision to have a baby say the word “fuck” and have it get bleeped and blurred out in tonight’s episode titled “Little Bo Bleep”
Kelly: And people are upset.
Gabe: whoa
Gabe: bold move
Gabe: is America ready?
Kelly: No!
Gabe: will this ruin Obama’s chances for a second term?
Kelly: I don’t want to really speculate that far into the future but off the record, YES.

Gabe: wait, who is mad about this?
Gabe: i’m sure it’s not
Gabe: some stupid 18 year old
Gabe: at a college
Gabe: because that would be ridiculous
Kelly: Yeah it’s funny that you even say that because it actually IS a stupid 18 year old at college
Kelly: But I’ll have you know that he is no small potatoes in the anti-cursing movement
Kelly: He also founded the “No Cussing Club” in 2007.
Kelly: This isn’t his first anti-cursing rodeo
Gabe: oy
Gabe: dude
Gabe: GO HAVE SEX WITH A KEG OR WHATEVER
Kelly: hahah
Gabe: that dude should literally read a book
Kelly: That dud should literally get someone to retype a book so it has no curses in it, Gabe
Kelly: And then maybe he will read it

Gabe: i do love his quote
Gabe: about how ABC knows
Gabe: that there are millions of people around the WORLD
Gabe: who do not want to hear a 2-year-old drop the f-bomb
Gabe: PEOPLE ALL AROUND THE WORLD! AND YOU KNOW THAT, ABC!
Kelly: Hahah
Kelly: What’s their angle, I wonder?
Kelly: Sitting on all of this anti child cursing info and still pressing on with the episode
Gabe: also no self-respecting college student
Gabe: should ever use the term “f-bomb”
Gabe: SMOKE MORE WEED!
Gabe: i don’t even like weed
Gabe: but i highly advocate the use of it if you’re saying stupid shit
Gabe: nothing makes you say not stupid shit
Gabe: like weed, am i right?
Gabe: people just sound smarter on that stuff, it’s crazy
Kelly: Wait
Gabe: OUR generation’s Adderall
Kelly: Are you high right now
Gabe: get out of here NARC
Kelly: “I don’t even like weed” sounded a little suspect
Kelly: “I’M NOT EVEN DOING IT RIGHT NOW”
Gabe: hahahaha
Gabe: i have nothing to prove/hide
Gabe: i’m simply telling you a fact about myself
Gabe: and i would think that as my friend you would respect that
Gabe: but i guess we know where we stand now
Gabe: i hate weed, and you hate honesty
Kelly: I wish I could disagree
Kelly: But yeah, this kid certainly needs to smoke more w33d and do a kegstand and open a beer on a table and not watch tonight’s episode of the struggling indie comedy Modern Family

Gabe: well shame on whoever wrote an article about this
Gabe: as if it was a real thing
Gabe: and shame on us for even talking about it
Kelly: And shame on you for being a liar.
Gabe: whoa
Gabe: kelly, i have tried to create a comfortable work environment for you
Gabe: but it seems like that hasn’t worked out
Gabe: or perhaps you are TOO comfortable
Gabe: it pains me to do this but
Gabe: you are fired
Kelly: I understand.
Gabe: if we can back up for a second
Gabe: it is also hilarious that the little girl doesn’t even say fuck
Kelly: Hahah yes
Gabe: and they just bleeped out fudge
Gabe: just in case this wasn’t
Gabe: enough of a non-issue
Kelly: Just the implication of a curse that never was
Kelly: Well that’s what college is about. Figuring yourself out.
Kelly: And the founder of the No Cussing Club at least knows for sure that he is against THIS
Kelly: I’m sure the rest will fall into place.
Gabe: right
Gabe: it’s a phase
Gabe: this is his devil sticks in the courtyard
Kelly: yes
Kelly: his “let’s go to a hooka bar”
Gabe: right
Gabe: i can’t wait until he becomes ashamed of this
Gabe: and tries to pretend like it never happened
Kelly: Yeah, and is successful in hiding it for a period of time in his adult life until someone finds it at work and confronts him about it
Kelly: If only we had a Click remote and could fast forward ourselves to that moment, and then rewind ourselves to AFTER the child says “fuck” on Modern Family so we don’t have to be anywhere near it.
Kelly: That’s the dream
Gabe: if you knew how many times i thought “if only we had a Click remote”

"Skip"

Kelly: Gabe, I think that multiple times every day FOR REAL.
Gabe: it’s, like, a million times
Kelly: If only I had a click remote to go back to before I was fired.
Gabe: yeah, if only
Gabe: although i would probably just use MY Click remote
Gabe: to refire you
Gabe: so
Kelly: Well damn
Kelly: I’m trying to think of a solution but if we both have Click remotes
Gabe: i mean, if you had one
Gabe: you could pause this whole thing
Gabe: and think about it
Gabe: but you don’t
Gabe: none of us do
Gabe: that is called LIFE
Kelly: Stupid f-ing life
Gabe: LANGUAGE!

Comments (46)
  1. “this is why gay people shouldn’t adopt kids!” -some bigoted asshole somewhere.

  2. As a four-year member/adoring fan of the No Cussing Club, I can’t NOT direct everyone to McKay Hatch’s compelling mission statement:

    http://youtu.be/HTNv2dOBFJk

    Or this:

    http://youtu.be/3NfaakFeFA8

    • i don’t take any advice unless it comes in rap form.

      • True story: In 2010 McKay Hatch repeatedly emailed the No Cussing Club mailing list to ask if someone would give a 35-foot Class A motor home to his family for a year so he could go on a cross-country Anti-Bullying/Anti-Cussing Tour, like a bizarro version of Weeds S6.

    • Haha. He also disabled all comments for the video. What a SOPA asshole. right? Or I guess, SOCA? Either way, what an asshole. Choice of word there was intentional.

  3. Also I really want to make fun of the kid who started the No Cussing Club but all I can come up with is to shake my fist and yell “NERDS!!!”

  4. Who wants to join my Cussing Club? We just yell obscenities at each other for an hour every day.

  5. you guys, we really shouldn’t be mean to McKay Hatch and his No Cussing Club. He isn’t familiar with our customs, as he was raised in a nursing home by a pack of grandmothers.

    • “You better shut your fucking mouth and eat those goddam motherfucking Cherrios before I shove that bowl up your ass, you fucking piece of shit” — my 89 year-old grandmother to me when I was six.

      • I’m feeling terribly guilty about writing this. My grandmother was the sweetest and funniest woman ever, seriously. She smoked a pipe, and used to sing crazy Italian songs, and would sometimes pretend not to understand english, and loved to cheat at cards (but would always get caught, because she was terrible at it). She was all around fantastic, and I never heard her say a single unkind thing to anyone. Confession complete.

  6. It’s funny because “a McKay Hatch” is the term Scottish people use for “donkey punch.”

  7. Cool fucking club.

  8. Go easy on the kid, he is literally the size of a jolly rancher.

  9. He wrote a book when he was 14. Got some bad reviews apparently.

  10. Sounds like Modern Family needs to call up the ghost of Richard Pryor to talk this through:

    RP: “Modern Family, let me ask you a question: Do you love what you do?”
    MF: “Yeah.”
    RP: “And do you get paid?”
    MF: “Yeah!”
    RP: “Well, tell McKay Hatch I said have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up!”

  11. Poor kid must fudge like dog ish.

  12. someone should censor “coonts”

  13. Guys, this made me laffy chuckles so much. Good one this week! I am pretty stoned right now and this was great.

  14. Did anyone read the header of this post and then assume that Modern Family was going to have an episode where Lily places a hex on Mitchel after accidentally getting into Cameron’s shelf of occult literature? Is anyone else upset that this is not the plot of an upcoming episode?

  15. Kelly, you’re my favorite don’t tell Gabe.

  16. Yesterday morning when I read the online news and saw the accompanied photo of the little girl in a flowergirl dress, I thought the “controversy” was about the 2 gay dads getting married. People don’t like fake cursing? Son of a nutcracker! I wish Mormons had their version of a rumspringa because I’d love to find out how that guy handles his first caffeinated can of Pepsi. Mormon spring break!

  17. McKay Hatch goes to BYU-Idaho, which is even more uptight than BYU-Provo. Students there are not allowed to wear shorts or sandals. You would think only Liz Lemon would willingly go to a school that outlaws sandals.

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