I feel really bad for anyone who turned off their Internet today in protest of SOPA, because even though I support their cause, they are going to spend 24 more hours of their life without reading this CRAMAZING quote from Mark Wahlberg from a recent interview with Men’s Fitness in which he basically claims that he would have single-handedly put a stop to 9/11 NO DUH OF COURSE HE WOULD HAVE (Via WWTD):

On being scheduled to be on one of the planes that crashed into the World Trade Center on 9/11:

“If I was on that plane with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to land somewhere safely, don’t worry.’”

OH. MY. GOD. BECKY. LOOK. AT. HIS. QUOTE. That is easily the most important thing that anyone has ever said. NOTA BENE that there would have been a lot of blood in that FIRST-CLASS CABIN. Mark Fucking Wahlberg doesn’t sacrifice LUXURY in order to SAVE AMERICA. Holy moly. Can we make a movie ABOUT THIS QUOTE? Starring MARK WAHLBERG? (Take a backseat, Gwyneth Paltrow. You saved a life? Go fuck yourself. And you know who else can go fuck themselves? All the people who actually WERE on that plane and who DIED. Fuck them. They should have stopped it. They basically caused 9/11 if you actually, like, think about it?) I’m going to get this quote tattooed on my back right under the CRISP logo. And then there’s going to be a tattoo of the twin towers kissing. And a tattoo of Turtle smoking weed. And a tattoo of my Twitter handle. And a tattoo of a Native American crying. Not for what we’ve done to the planet, but for the heroism of Mark Wahlberg in Alternate Universe 9/11. Oh, and an eagle with Osama Bin Laden in its mouth. Don’t worry, I’ve got a big back!

Comments (94)
  1. To be fair, he would have had an advantage. None of the other passengers who WERE on that flight had the capability to take out the terrorists with a funky punch.

  2. So he’s saying that basically everyone else on that plane was a coward?

    • I ve watched a couple of documentaries about similar situations. Basically people are not cowards, they are just scared that they will make things worst for others. Plus they dont have information.
      They do not know if there is a bomb, they did not know it was a suicide attack they probably though oh shit…we are going to Buenos Aires instead of New York.

    • i doubt he has anything against the Departed. he was just saying, unlike the Other Guys he would’ve given them the Big Hit and taken out the terrorist Entourage then there wouldn’t be so much Happening and we’d all celebrate him being such a Rock Star and we wouldn’t live in Fear.

  3. “Say hi to your maker for me!” – Mark Wahlberg, seconds before killing the terrorists

  4. Actually I believe him.

    He is an scumbag racist who left a chinese dude blind. He would love the opprtunity to attack mid eastern dudes.

  5. “Hey Terrorist! What’s up? Say hi to your mother for me.” BAM!

  6. “Let me in the fucking cockpit!” -Hypothetical Mark Wahlberg

  7. He means that if they showed ‘Planet of the Apes’ as the in-flight movie, the terrorists would have immediately killed themselves.

  8. Certainly couldn’t let that opportunity to remind us all he’d have been in first class pass by . . .

  9. Pretty sure “OH. MY. GOD. BECKY. LOOK. AT. HIS. QUOTE.” is the best thing Gabe’s ever written.

  10. That’s the outfit he would have done it in, too

  11. You know what’s an act of terrorism? Mark Wahlberg telling me over the PA that he’s flying the plane I’m on.

  12. Says the guy who couldn’t prevent The Happening from happening.

  13. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin. No way I’m fighting terrorists in coach.

  14. Can’t even bring himself to apologise the Vietnamese man he blinded in a hateful, racist attack several years ago but he’d have stopped the 9/11 terrorists?

    • what are you talking about?

      • Dammit, Wikipedia would be so useful right now…

        Basically he attacked and blinded a man in a racist attack when he was younger, did a little time and never apologised or even spoke to the man after. Mark has ‘made peace’ with himself though so I guess that’s all that matters.

      • As a teenager, Wahlberg participated in several acts of violence for which he was charged, later claiming to have been in trouble 20-25 times with the Boston Police Department as a youth.[4] At 15 he harassed a group of African American school children on a field trip by throwing rocks (causing injuries) and shouting racist epithets.[5] When he was 16, while under the influence of cocaine and alcohol (again using racist language) he knocked a middle aged Vietnamese man unconscious with a wooden stick and left another Vietnamese man permanently blind in one eye. In an interview for Inside the Actor’s Studio, he admitted that he has no recollections of the incident, because he passed out just before the police caught him. For these crimes Wahlberg was charged for attempted murder, pled guilty to assault, and spent 45 days in jail at Boston’s Deer Island House of Correction.[6][7] In yet another incident when he was 21 Wahlberg fractured the jaw of a neighbor in an unprovoked attack.[8]

    • this is the second time this has come up. he made a guy go blind? wikipedia is particularly useless today, so i’m going to need some other partially-factual source on the matter.

      • Solution: Wikipedia French + Google Translate

      • It’s also on his IMDB.

        “The young man also had a violent streak – one which was often aimed at minorities. At age 16, he was convicted of assault against two Vietnamese men after he had tried to rob them”


      • oh, i’m familiar with all that…people were talking about it like it happened 4-5 years ago. the gf was watching Piers Morgan the other night and he was on and spoke about his past and rehabilitating himself and it sounded like he did what he needed to do to correct himself and take himself out of the situation. good on him. people deserve a second chance and he’s done a lot with his.

        • i really do believe in rehabilitation and atonement and the potential for growth beyond violence. and now i’m curious if he’s done any work or donated any money to organizations that work with populations that have been victimized by fucked up racist assholes like himself in his youth. now that he’s got power, platform, and privilege it’d be nice to see him use it for good rather than merely saying that he’s personally moved beyond his past. also , as per my comment below, i don’t really super pay attention to celebrity bullshit, but i think it’s fucked up how certain people get passes on fucked up shit and certain other people don’t. and how it’s often gender and race based. a lot of white males get a lot of fucking passes on some fucked up behaviors and get the benefit of the doubt that they’ve reformed, and many others don’t.

        • Still doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t seem to have made any efforts to reach out to the man who he blinded.
          He got a second chance because he was a white man not because he ‘deserves’ it. Sorry if it sounds like I’m being rude to you I just have zero respect or tolerance for Marky Mark.

          • not defending him, but this site doesn’t say whether or not he did or didn’t. he could have reached out to him. we don’t know. judging by the looks of this site, it doesn’t seem like there really even is a foundation. it looks like a joke. but maybe I’m just being cynical…

          • Wait, you’re not the blind Vietnamese guy, are you?

    • ugggggh, how did i not know about that before googling it just now.

  15. My cubicle looks like a first class cabin right now, because my head just blew up.

  16. True story, I think I’ve told this here before: way back in the late 90s a friend of mine was a hostess at a fancy restaurant. Wahlberg showed up with his posse and demanded to get seated immediately despite the fact that the place was completely full at that point and there were already people waiting to get seated. My friend told him he would have to wait and he literally said to her, “Do you know who I am?” She couldnt help but laugh at such a corny line. So he went over her head to the manager and somehow got seated because he is special, like Zooey Deschanel. He kept shooting her the evil eye throughout his stay. This friend is a very cute short little 20 something girl at the time and here’s this famous millionaire hollywood douche who couldnt pick his battles, had to be scummy and awful to “the help.” Fuck that guy.

    • “Hey terrorists, do you know who I am?” – Mark Wahlberg ending the War on Terror before it even begins.

    • When I was waitressing a hundred years ago, I had a couple on a date. The guy spent the whole time talking on his bluetooth, then finally hung up and was like “Oh, I was just on the phone with Mark Wahlburg.” and waited for the girl to be impressed. I don’t know if she was genuine or just trying to show him up for being a dick, but she insisted she didn’t know who that was. He spent the next hour or so trying to convince her that Mark Wahlburg was famous while she kept saying “Nope, not familiar.” He sang most of “Good Vibrations”, listed probably his entire filmography, brought up the New Kids on the Block. Nothing. That girl became my hero that day.

    • Akon cut in front of my friend in line at Universal Studios once.

      If Akon were on that plane with the terrorists he would have put the blame on THEM.

      Akon has a stupid name.

  17. pretty much this right now:

  18. That picture was obviously taken before his balls grew to 50 lbs each and he had the audacity to say he could’ve stopped 9/11… and landed the plane safely!

  19. He also wrote a book and dedicated it to his dick. I don’t need Wikipedia for that because I remember when it happened — the early 90s.

    • And now his dick is all, “Hey man, how come we don’t hang out anymore?”

      (He also said in that same interview that he is not interested in masturbation.)

  20. Dear Mark,
    You are an actor. You make movies. These are fictional. You can not really take down a drug lord or end 9111.

    • Apparently Marky Mark has some inside information about how the planes on 9/11 were set up with regard to padding, harnesses, green screens and fight coaches.

  21. The only part of this fantasy we have in common is I wish Mark Wahlberg was in 911.

  22. I don’t want to bring your energy down. Go and tell my people what it’s like to control 350 lb. men who are usually carrying firearms. Motivate my losers!


  23. The real shame in all this is that if Mark Wahlberg HAD been on that plane, he wouldn’t have lived to make this egregiously awful quote.

  24. He kind of missed a golden opportunity for plugging Wahlburgers here… Seeing as he would have beaten those terrorists to WAHLBURGERS

  25. Great news! We don’t need the TSA anymore. Let’s just put Mark Wahlberg on all the planes, and no one ever has to take their laptop out of their laptop bag at the airport.

  26. Please tell me there will be a “You Can Make It Up” about this tomorrow.


  27. So Mark, what if you had been in Germany in 1938?

“If I was in Germany in 1938 with my kids, it wouldn’t have went down like it did. There would have been a lot of blood in that first-class cabin of Hitlers palace and then me saying, ‘OK Jews, we’re going to get you out of here on a plane i can apparently land, don’t worry.’”

  28. I already have a tattoo of Turtle smoking weed. Is it redundant to have two?

  29. “Esta bueno?”

    “No, it’s no bueno, Mark.”

  30. Meanwhile, in Afghanistan, a terrorist is telling his friends, “I *totally* could’ve prevented ‘Entourage’.”

  31. Is he really that stupid? Leaving aside that the passengers on the earlier flights did not know their true fate, even if he fought back or led a group of passengers in fighting back, his BEST-CASE scenario probably would have been Flight 93 (whose passengers did bravely make a stand in the manner that Mark claims he would have).


  33. I’m just going to try to block this quote from my mind so I can still crush on him. Kinda like when Dee dates a retarded person.

  34. Marginally related: Is “say hell to your mother” actually from anything that Mark Wahlburg has done? I’ve always wondered why it’s in the SNL skit and why that skit became so famous. Is it something he says a lot? Does he seem to really care about all of our mothers? Is it just something silly that they made up?

    • I think it’s just something silly they made up because it seems like Marky’s characters in movies are always “from the block,” so to speak. I could be wrong.

      • That’s what I thought, but then I didn’t understand why people thought Marky Mark asking farm animals to say hello to their mothers was so funny, so I figured I must have missed something.

  35. Gabe you’re my favorite don’t tell Kelly

  36. I know I am supposed to use this space to write something 1) funny, 2) snarky, or 3) about Wahlberg, but all I want to say is, Gabe YOU are hilarious and the world (not to mention the web) would be a darker place without you and your writing helps me get through, well, the goddamn day. You HAVE got a big back, Gabe, and I hope you keep carrying me on it til I die. No crusho.

  37. I love imagining the alternate universe 9/11 new reports for this.



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