Gabe: hey
Kelly: Hey, Gabe
Gabe: what’s up?
Kelly: Well, I have some bad news.
Gabe: ok hold on
Gabe disconnected.
Gabe reconnected.
Gabe: Keep holding.
Kelly: I am holding.
Gabe: i’m waiting for time to pass
Gabe: and for the tide to change
Gabe: i’m just not sure i can deal with any bad news right now
Kelly: One thing you have to understand though
Gabe: are you holding?
Kelly: Yeah I’m holding.
Gabe: just keep holding
Kelly: Is that you can’t outrun bad news
Gabe: fine, what is it?
Kelly: You know how you were really excited about the career of up-and-coming Hollywood starlet Bristol Palin?
Gabe: so wait
Gabe: you have bad news
Gabe: but first i have to play a guessing game?
Gabe: i have to WIN my bad news?
Kelly: It’s not a guessing game it’s a yes or no
Kelly: And moreover a rhetorical yes or no
Kelly: Because OF COURSE you remember
Kelly: So, I’m sorry, because she is moving back to Alaska.

Gabe: also, i am actually not sure
Gabe: that i understand
Gabe: what you just said
Gabe: you really took the scenic route on this bad news
Gabe: i actually feel like this news is old now, for how long you took to explain what it was
Kelly: Well you did make me hold on for about 45 minutes
Kelly: But Bristol Palin was on Dancing With the Stars and decided she wanted to be a Hollywood actress
Gabe: you got to start somewhere
Kelly: So she bought a home in Arizona, naturally
Kelly: But now she’s back in Alaska because she doesn’t want to be a Hollywood actress anymore.
Kelly: And you are super upset about it
Gabe: now who will make miserable cameos on ABC Family shows no one has ever heard of?
Gabe: well, obviously, Hollywood loses an immense talent
Gabe: but i’m sure Alaska is excited to have their Favorite Daughter back
Gabe: The Pride of Alaska
Gabe: that is what all the license plates with her face on them say

Kelly: You’re right. I guess there are two sides to every story.
Kelly: Now all of the girls in Alaska have someone to look up to again.
Gabe: haha yeah
Kelly: Their own royal whatever her name is [Ed. Note: Kate Middleton]
Gabe: i find it very powerful
Gabe: of her
Gabe: and courageous
Gabe: to decide that she’s not into Hollywood
Gabe: considering how badly Hollywood wanted HER
Kelly: Hahah I know
Kelly: To throw all of it away
Kelly: Just to go back home.
Gabe: is she taking her baby with her? or is the baby staying in Hollywood?
Kelly: Well to be fair she did only buy a house in Arizona rather than anywhere in California so I think the baby will probably stay in Arizona
Kelly: It made friends, it has a home there, why tear the baby away.
Gabe: thank you for being fair
Gabe: it is very cool of you to be so fair
Kelly: Well you’re not going to leave a baby by itself in California
Gabe: is there anyone more wonderful and talented than Bristol Palin and do we please get to keep talking about her forever?
Kelly: Both no. Our beautiful Hollywood princess is out of our lives forever now.
Gabe: sad day for America
Kelly: contiguous USA at least
Kelly: and Hawaii
Gabe: at least we will always have that season of Dancing with the Stars
Gabe: she can’t take that away from us
Gabe: no matter how hard we might wish that she would

Comments (30)
  1. people will be more upset when they find out she left her baby there.

  2. What’s worse than her potential going unrealized is that now Gabe will never get the chance to see Ricky Gervais skewer her at the Golden Globes.

  3. Next stop: heroin and/or meth rehab.

  4. Alex Lane  |   Posted on Jan 11th, 2012 +1

    who is she again?

  5. do you think she’ll go and get her old face back?

  6. I hope that Bristol Palin has a happy and fulfilling life. I just really don’t want to hear any more about it.

  7. That’s the bravest news I’ve heard since her mother’s selfless decision not to run for president.

    • The important thing is that you know that they’re not quitters. Not a single quitter in the Palin family!

    • I’m still not convinced she’s not going to run.

      • Duncan Gibb  |   Posted on Jan 12th, 2012 0

        I don’t know jack about American politics, but once the primaries start don’t the candidates have to have their hats already in the ring? Or are there exceptions for self-obsessed attention whores?

  8. I was hoping that her reality show about being a mom, Raising In Arizona, would take off.

  9. So like, is she running, or is she not running? (Obviously she’s running, who am I kidding? Also who are we talking about running for what?)

  10. I’m pretty sure The Baby is the host of “Good Morning Tucson” now. They will Skype Bristol in for burpings during the 7:45 segment.

  11. Isn’t she trying to do a Palin version of “Keeping Up with the Kardashians?” Incidentally the Doomsday Clock moved forward.

  12. I plan to work in Toronto so I decided I should move to Alaska. I mean who really wants to live in the same state/country of where you actually want to work.

  13. She should move to CT. The winters in Bristol pale in comparison to Alaska.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.