So you’ve already gotten your Dark Knight Rises midnight screening presale tickets, correct? For select cities? That you’re planning on travelling to? If they aren’t the city that you live in already? Because, UGH, I know you don’t understand but this is like a big thing and it’s important to me so why can’t you just let me do what makes me happy, I would never stop you from doing what makes YOU happy? Yes. Fandango has been selling them for some amount of time — though no one knows for sure when they began and for some reason it is a big secret — so it’s probably safe to say that you already have tickets and now all you need are some party ideas. Yes? HELLO? From Variety:

Tickets for the first Imax midnight screenings of “The Dark Knight Rises” on July 19 have already gone on sale in a few major markets including Los Angeles, New York and San Francisco.

It’s unusual for advance to go on sale more than six months prior to a film’s opening. For example, Lionsgate announced Monday that advance tickest for “The Hunger Games” were going on sale on Feb. 23 — a month before the franchise pic opens.

Except HOLD ON! The New York screening is already sold out. And it has been for weeks! LOL. Just think of all those nerds out there who for some reason HADN’T been refreshing their Dark Knight Fandango page every day just in case there happened to be a presale. YOU SNOOZE YOU LOOZE, NERDS! WHO’S THE NERDS NOW? HUH? So the first step in throwing your Dark Knight Rises presale ticket party is inviting everyone who doesn’t have a ticket yet. Half a year in advance. For a movie.

  1. Invite them.
  2. Don’t tell them why you’re having a party.
  3. But DO decorate your home or apartment with Batman tickets all over it. All different sizes. They don’t really need to look accurate as long as the fact that they are tickets for a batman movie reads.
  4. Draw a batman mask on your face with makeup but wear normal clothes.
  5. Leave the door open to your apartment with a sign on the door that says “make yourself at home” with a joker face on it.
  6. When they walk in, pop up from behind a coach and say “HAHA!”
  7. They’ll be confused so you say, “WHY SO SERIOUS?”
  8. They’ll probably think that was pretty good so then you tell them, “Guess what?”
  9. They’ll say, “What?”
  10. You say, “GUESS.”
  11. They’ll say, “What are you doing?” As if they don’t know.
  12. You say, “Take a look around.” Remember you apartment should be literally covered in fake Batman tickets, but on the coffee table you should put some snacks like Chex Mix and a few bottles of wine and a big bowl of popcorn with black food dye on it.
  13. They’ll say, “Are you ok? Please just tell us what you’re doing.”
  14. You’ll say, “I’M BETTER THAN YOU ARE.” And then you explain that you’ve already gotten tickets to a midnight screening of  Dark Knight Rises in one of three select cities.
  15. They’ll be jealous and may want to leave the party, so that’s when you offer them the snacks and wine.
  16. Go to your room.

Oh my gooooodnesssss! That is going to be such a fun party! I wish we could all just have that party and then go to sleep for six months and then go to sleep forever! GOODKNIGHT!

Comments (14)
  1. This is just about perfect, although I’d replace #5 with a sign that says “mrrph yrsrrf athrrmf” with a picture of a Bane mask.

  2. I know a certain musician who’s not getting invited to Tina Fey’s presale ticket party.

  3. if i were a millionaire, i would’ve purchased all the tickets to all the midnight IMAX screenings 7 months in advance and just posted a YouTube video of me lighting a dozen or so of them on fire and cackling every day in the lead up to the release because

    1) i love the Dark Knight that much
    2) enraging fanboys on the internet would certainly build up the excitement for it to come out.

  4. I loved the Dark Knight but I hated the Batman Begins. Mainly because I made the mistake of going opening night and sitting next to the loudest 20ish year old nerd in the world.

    1. He tried to finish Batman’s sentences whenever there was a pause for dramatic effect (he was wrong most, if not all of the time).

    2. He flinched and/or jerked his shoulders every time there was some fighting onscreen.

    3. When the movie ended he applauded really loud then scoffed ” In NEW YORK we applaud”.

    4. It seemed like there was more stuff but I guess it just seemed like a lot. Anyways, I like the list format, it helps me think.

    And he had a girlfriend (or at least a girl friend) who was as into it as he was. She was not loud so I didn’t mind her. Anyways, the moral of the story is that I’ll watch it in a matinee a few weeks after it’s out.

    • But you will at least watch the movie in a major market, right? I mean, come on.

    • Whatever, if you didn’t want to hear my sweep quips you shouldn’t have sat in the front row, and WHO doesn’t applaud at the end of a movie?! And I have tourette’s which explains the shoulders, and that wasn’t my girlfriend it was my mother. HAPPY?!

    • I’m going to start yelling “In NEW YORK we applaud.” anytime i feel like clapping for something.

  5. I’ve got an unfinished copy if anyone’s interested, but with the boxy graphics and not being able to understand Bane, the whole kinda feels like watching someone play Starfox

  6. You’ll be able to get it on Canal Street for $5 opening afternoon without having to wait in line.

  7. I am not kidding when I say I have a coworker who often takes days off to see movies. The movies are at night — she’s just afraid if she comes in, she’ll be asked to work overtime, and she’ll end up missing them. She is 62. She plans her movie-seeing weeks in advance.

    Yesterday she was competing with a coworker who wanted the same day off at the end of this month. Only one of them can take it. She planned to see a movie. He planned to go out of town with friends and had already booked airfare and a hotel. They had to discuss it at length before she surrendered, and she was very sad.

    Kellly, you should invite her to your Bat-man party as consolation.

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