Dear Tina Fey:

Have you ever been to Honey’s in Philadelphia? I’ve been there, I think, five times. The first time I was there, about three years ago, I was sitting with my friend and a Dinosaur Jr. song was on and I was trying to talk about the Dinosaur Jr. song and my friend wouldn’t respond to me. This was weird because this friend definitely likes Dinosaur Jr. more than I do, but then after a few moments he said, “Questlove was just standing behind you.” And I thought, “So why did that mean you couldn’t respond to me about the song?” But I said, “Why didn’t you make any indication that I should look behind me?” It was a weird moment because he said that he didn’t make any indication because it wasn’t a big deal, but then it’s like — why couldn’t you say any words while he was standing there, then? If it’s such a small deal? Why did you have to make me look so foolish in front of Questlove, like my friend really didn’t want to talk to me? Isn’t it weird that he did that, Tina? Anyway, so, Questlove was on Watch What Happens: Live last night and he said this about you:

Tina Fey, you are never nice to the Roots! We’re from Philadelphia. You’re never nice to the Roots! I just don’t know. Fellow Philadelphians—we bond with each other, and it’s been hard trying to bond with her.

Eeeeek! Eeek, girl — I know. It’s the worst when people try to put you on blast for not being nice or bonding with them. As if you have to have a million things to say to everyone all the time in order to be nice. Sometimes you just don’t have anything to say to a person! Sometimes you just want to say, I know that you’re a fine person but you have to understand that I am uncomfortable talking to you not because I don’t like you but because I’m uncomfortable talking to almost everyone, so please refrain from telling people that I am mean. But you can’t always say that. So I’d like to give you some advice for next time you’re around the Roots. 

  1. Talk About Philadelphia: Jesus Christ, if there’s one thing people from Philadelphia love talking about it’s fucking Philadelphia. (See: The beginning of this letter.) (See: What Questlove said.) (I’m sorry about the language.) The second thing they love talking about is how they’ll NEVER move to New York. So I would suggest beginning with a discussion of how great Philadelphia is and then segueing into an uncomfortable joke about how The Roots will never move to New York, because I’m pretty sure when the Roots got their Late Night With Jimmy Fallon job they promised that they’d just commute (??) but now I think they live here full time. I don’t know, Tina.
  2. Talk About Jimmy Fallon: “He’s super great, right?” It really doesn’t matter. “I love his suits.”
  3. Compliment The Roots: “I really love your sound, you have such a great sound.” Again, it doesn’t matter what you say. People just like to hear you talk at them. “It’s classic yet modern.” “I love it.”
  4. Talk About It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia: And then ask why The Roots have never been invited to be on the show. “It really seems like you guys would be a funny addition to an episode,” is maybe something you can say. “I would invite you to be on 30 Rock but, you know — New York.” And then make a fart noise with your mouth.
  5. Talk About Something Really Boring: But talk about it A LOT. And then look hurt when they aren’t interested. And then say, “I don’t know, I really like talking to you guys but it’s fine if you don’t want to talk to me. No, really. I know that sounded bad but it’s totally fine.”
  6. Ask Them A Question: People like when you ask them questions.

So I hope that helps, Tina. As I’m sure you’ve heard, Questlove has already tweeted about how everything he said about you was a joke. But, you know. It’s like, GOOD JOKE, Questlove. Super funny joke. The best thing about that joke is how awkward it’s NOT going to make you the next time you see each other, right? Ugh, Tina. You’ll get through this. We’ll get through it together.

Comments (44)
  1. People from Philadelphia are right to be proud! They invented cream cheese and liberty!

  2. i doubt Questlove is actually from Philly, being that he politely request “some love” next time they see each other and didn’t just throw up all over her.

  3. Questlove booed Santa Clause!

  4. Honey’s brunch sounds so good right now.

  5. Just spent the last 10 minutes trying to work up a “King’s Questlove” joke, except now I really just want to go play some King’s Quest.

  6. Who is Questlove? Is he related to ?uestlove at all?

  7. I tried watching that show last night, but I guess I’m just not cool enough. Should I give it another chance? Anyone?

  8. “She should talk about nem Hooters.”

  9. Once I was taking a walk with some coworkers during our lunch break, when I saw Bruce Willis sitting somewhere. He was looking right at us, so I didn’t want to point or anything, but once we passed him nobody else had seen him, and half of them didn’t even believe me.

    My point is, I guess, that I understand the whole freezing up when a celebrity is looking at you. And also, I saw Bruce Willis! Really!

    (Also, what’s with all the people suggesting “maybe it was just someone who looked like Bruce Willis?” Like, maybe I’m just typing on something that looks like my keyboard now. Maybe I kissed someone who just looked like my mom. You know who really looks like Bruce Willis? Bruce Willis, that’s who.)

    • I believe you! Bruce Willis has a history of this.

      When I was a kid my father took my sisters and me to Rapids, it’s this massive water park in Florida that I hope for health reasons has now been burned to the ground. And my older sister who is every bit the party pooper went down the water slide wrong (classic my sister!!) and in an asthmatic fury got stuck at the end of the slide with child after child landing on her. And guess who one of those children was?? Yea it was one of the spawn of Bruce Willis and Demi Moore!!!

      And then Bruce Willis scooped up my sister!! And delivered her to my dad!! Who’s response was not “Thanks John McLane for saving my asthmatic daughter from drowning!!” but “Wow, great to meet you Bruno! People ask me allll the time if I’m you. I have three daughters too, haha, amiright, daughters??”

      No one believes that story, but it happened and has solidified my hatred for water parks and the Willis-Moore Family.

      No one also believes that at 11 I almost got kicked out of the warped tour for trying to fight the guy from The All American Rejects.

    • I ended up sitting back-to-back with J Timberlake in a restaurant in LA…being from the backwoods of Vermont and already WAY out of my element, I completely froze and was unable to move, speak, breathe, eat, make eye contact, or down a tequila shot. When I was finally able to take SOME kind of action, I stood up, said “Nope, can’t do it” and, to the horror of my very cool, very LA dining companions, left in the middle of dinner.

      This was the same trip when my bra literally fell to pieces on my body and I went to Victoria’s Secret for an emergency replacement, only to discover that the one other person shopping there was, of course, January Jones.

      • When I went to LA, the only celebrities I saw were Danny Bonaduce and some guy from the Real World or Road Rules. :(

        • I have an aunt who likes to think she’s fancy. She was not pleased when I recommended she stay at a not-bad hotel near my apartment.

          “Why would I stay next to a mall?” she asked.
          “Well, they hold the Academy Awards in that mall,” I said.

          Anyway, because I was not fancy enough for her, she and my cousin went to brunch at Four Seasons. Who did they see? Rob Schneider. My mom and I went out for crepes at a little place near my house and saw some people from Gilmore Girls. My AUNT WAS PISSED. And I got to say something to the effect of, “Yeah, only people from the suburbs of Chicago have brunch at the Four Seasons. And Rob Schneider.”

          Why is this story important? Because his show starts tonight.

  10. I misread this at first, but I got really excited because I thought it said, “bonding with robots.”

  11. Why would Questlove be a guest on WWHL? That is the real crime here, people.

  12. What about the Dukes of Duke and Duke? I would want to talk to everyone from Philadelphia about the Dukes and the rumors of their alleged involvement with frozen orange juice futures.

    Then we can get to the real story — where Ben Franklin’s secret glasses are hidden.

  13. It’s because she’s already down with Rick Ross.

  14. It’s City of Brotherly Love not City of Quest Love so whatever. And The Roots shouldn’t try picking some obscure song to play when she comes on Jimmy Fallon to be some burn to her. Like Philadelphia Freedom or something else that you’re just going to have to say you’re sorry for on Twitter and then Tina Fey will have to go on FOX news and whine about. Don’t do that.

  15. Right, because Tina Fey should totally take the time to acknowledge your presence in addition to being an award-winning showrunner and raising a young family. Yeeesh. I have a feeling ?#%%uestlove would be VERY annoying to be around.

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