The first GOOP of 2012 has arrived, and it is highlighting “the GOOP Cleanse.” Oh brother. Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, I will admit that I am against ALL cleanses, not just the GOOP cleanse. If you enjoy cleanses, God bless you. And I do support, genuinely and sincerely, anyone’s attempt, whatever that attempt may be and however misguided, to improve themselves and/or make themselves healthier, happier, what have you. But ever since I learned about cleanses, the same way everyone learns about them: in college from some girls with hippie tendencies–they have always seemed to me like they were more about having something to simultaneously brag and complain about than anything to seriously do with one’s health or well-being. Like, you’re going to show off that you’re taking care of yourself (already a specious argument when it comes to cleanses, but that’s the party line) while also complaining about how hungry you are? Cool. You’re fun to hang out with, let’s go to a nice restaurant together for sure. I’m also just skeptical of anyone who genuinely believes that drinking cayenne pepper smoothies or whatever is really clearing out the system. If you want to clear out your system, go to Duane Reade and buy an enema kit. Or, how about you just work on gradually making your entire lifestyle healthier and more considered rather than taking 10 days out of the year to dramatically disrupt your body’s natural processes? You think the cayenne pepper is helping with the cigarettes you are always bumming off of people at parties? Oh man, OK, I am sorry, I just hate cleanses in a way that is almost certainly way more dramatic than necessary. Good luck to everyone and I can’t wait to see how the world changes when we all live forever. First generation of immortals is always the trickiest.
But, so, considering my pre-existing hate of cleanses it is PERFECT that Gwyneth Paltrow has her own NAMEBRAND cleanse! Let’s talk about it:
First, Gwyneth welcomes us to 2012:
Next week, when it’s back to the grind with work and the daily school run, I’m starting off with Clean, my go-to cleanse from Dr. Alejandro Junger, with whom goop has partnered for the month of January. I’ve used Clean in the past with great results, losing a few pounds and kickstarting a healthier and more energetic New Year. This month, I’ll be doing it along with members of the goop team and we hope you will too. And, it goes without saying, but be sure to check with your doctor before getting started!
Wait, “next week, when it’s back to the grind”? Try this week, Gwyneth Paltrow. It’s literally this week for EVERYONE that we are all back to the grind. And when most people say “back to the grind” they don’t mean “playing Plants Vs. Zombies mini-games on my iPad 2 in my trailer while the crew is busy getting Iron Man’s Malibu bachelor pad soundstage ready for my line about how he has a phone call in the walk-in humidor.” But whatever. Back to the grind next week, yes. And now we are getting to the cleanse. After you talk to your doctor. Yikes! Which brings us to a note from the creator of the GOOP Cleanse, Doctor Alejandro Junger, which, Fun Fact, I am pretty sure is also the name of the doctor on The Simpsons!
“The basic premise of this cleanse is that by creating the right conditions, our bodies will begin to reset themselves naturally. How? By adding in nutritionally-beneficial foods and supplements, and removing the major toxins in our diet (inflammatory and processed foods).”
“Unlike most cleanses, the goop cleanse by Clean is designed to deliver results right now, while also inspiring long-term health changes. The cleanse will help give your digestive system a break and also improve energy levels by bringing in high-quality vitamins and nutrients. Best of all, because you’ll be eating during this program, you won’t be left feeling hungry or tired which is typical of most cleanses.”
“To date more than 50,000 people have successfully completed this cleanse. In fact, in 2009 when this cleanse was featured on goop, we sold out, and thousands ended up on our waiting list. I see that as a testament to how eager people are to feel better, and how effectively this cleanse works. I hope that after this experience we can add your name to that list.”
“I hope you are as enthusiastic about embarking on this journey as I am for you.”
Uh, a bunch of problems with this.
1. I don’t like proposed health treatments that are BASED ON A PREMISE.
2. The rest of that first paragraph is literally gibberish. I mean, it makes sense, but it’s just words he put together. It sounds nice! And made up!
3. Dr. Alejandro Junger taking other cleanses TO THE MATS. I’m pretty sure his attempt to differentiate his cleanse from other cleanses mostly just describes all cleanses including his cleanse. They are ALL supposed to deliver immediate results with longterm improved whatever, and none of them do. This one also doesn’t. And, oh, you’re not going to be hungry and tired doing this cleanse? You are going to be SO hungry and SO tired doing this cleanse. Get real, tough guy!
4. Please show me the instructional manual that explains how much of a “break” your digestive system needs.
5. “To date more than 50,000 people have completed this cleanse.” I do not like advertising techniques that simply rattle of how many people HAVEN’T DIED from using the product before you. And you know who else used to use this customer population technique, quite successfully? McDonald’s.
6. This is the grossest part of the whole thing: the last time the GOOP Cleanse was featured in GOOP, they sold out and had to put people on the waiting list. So you better ORDER NOW. What a bunch of assholes, the people who put this together are. He sees that as a testament to people wanting to feel better, rather than as a testament to the marketing power of international film celebrities. Sure. Rose-colored Prada glasses.
Ugh! And look at what you would actually “get” with the GOOP Cleanse:
- Nourish: Protein powder
- Move: Fiber powder
- Clear 1: Probiotic anti-microbial
- Balance: Insulin regulator
- Ease: Digestive enzyme
- Encourage: Strong probiotic
- Clear 2: Herbal anti-microbial
- Relief: Liver support
This kind of reminds me of the very first installment of GOOP when Gwyneth talked about how she loved “being in spaces that are clean and feel nice” as if this was some kind of unique trait and anyone who lived in spaces that were dirty or felt awful were doing so by choice. What a hero. But, like, yeah, everyone would like to feel “relief” and “ease” and “balance” and “encourage” (sic). But that doesn’t even remotely explain what the hell is actually IN THESE JARS. It could literally be peanut shells and pencil shavings. Gwyneth!
PLEASE BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR BODIES, LADIES!