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Back in May, there were reports going around that MGM was planning a remake of the movie Carrie that would stick closer to Stephen King’s novel. AKA the thing that the public has been DEMANDING since the 1976 release of the original. “We’d love a Carrie remake for sure, but can you please make sure it doesn’t stray so much from the novel this time? That was very frustrating for us.” – The public. Now I guess things are moving ahead with the plan, as Boys Don’t Cry director Kimberly Peirce is in Hollywood showbiz talks to direct. And also this other guy! From Deadline:
The script has been written by Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa, whose rewrite work helped save Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark on Broadway. Aguirre-Sacasa set out to write a version of Carrie that is more faithful to the King book, and more grounded than the Brian De Palma-directed film.
To be honest, Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark aside (because what?) (is that musical saved?) a Carrie remake is probably one of the less frustrating remakes we’ve been getting news of lately. Certainly less frustrating than this and this and this and this and this. Mostly because it came out over 30 years ago and it’s a horror movie and a remake is better than, like, The Rager: Carrie 3 and, I don’t know, clearly Hollywood has to remake EVERYTHING all the time so when your number is up you just have to deal with it. But as far as I can remember, Carrie is OOOOLLLLLLLDDDDDD. Ugh, gross, so boring and old. So before we all get our tents and line up outside of MGM to see if we can catch any fallen screener copies, let’s figure out how to UPDATE IT! “3 tha kidz” – Gabe Delahaye.
I’ll throw some ideas out first:
- Carrie constantly makes references to the movie Juno.
- Carrie’s mom is “Michele Bachmann” like how Johnny Depp was “Keith Richards” in the Pirates movies.
- Carrie’s prom is High School Musical themed and there is an elaborate tongue-in-cheek dance sequence and Carrie makes a joke like, “You ever wonder how they all know the dance?” And her friend (her friend is pretty but “above” high school so that’s how she relates to Carrie) says, “Well…I’m pretty sure that was the dance team, soooo…” Clever.
- Carrie’s phone is super old and instead of the tampon scene it’s a thing where she pulls out her phone and all the girls notice how old it is and they shout “UP-DATE IT, UP-DATE IT” and throw their iPhones at her.
- And she brings home an old iPhone that one of the girls gave her and her mom is like, “How dare yoooouuuuuu!!!!”
- Kreayshawn and Drake are in it.
- Kelly from Videogum plays Carrie.
VERY GOOD! I can’t wait to see this movie. Now it’s your turn! You do it now!
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Kelly from Videogum plays Carrie.
And Videogum commenter Kate plays Carrie’s mom.
“They’re all gonna laugh at you!”
“Mom, I write for a comedy blog. They’re supposed to be laughing.”
I’d go see that.
Is there a way we could combine this movie with the Sex and the City prequel movie? Because if horror movie Carrie turns out to be Carrie Bradshaw, then a lot of things would start to make sense.
Carrie On: The Carrie Die-aries
I’ve seen that concept in Final Destination 5: “That’s Been Done to Death”
“why is the internet not working?! i cant get on twitter?! WTF?! OHH THE HORROR!” – dialogue taken from the final scene that has replaced the gym burning
In a horrifying conclusion, Carrie brings down the 3G* network with the power of her mind.
*because the iPhone doesn’t work on 4G yet
As Sue Snell:
This picture just gave me syphilis.
instead of dumping pigs blood on Carrie, they should cover her with the contents of the GOOP cleanse package.
I never read the Annie reboot news until now, but can’t the Smiths just put on a play in their basement like everyone else and make the neighborhood kids and parents sit through it like normal goddamn people? Do you really need to reboot a franchise to make your brat kid happy?
actually i think “reboot a franchise to make your brat kid happy” is one of the more common scientology courses.
the movie starts with an Anti-Bullying PSA by a bunch of actors who were obviously bullies if they ever actually went to school at all.
We discover during a visit from a local historian/geneticist that Carrie’s powers come from a recessive mutant gene that reappears every few generations in her highly inbred lineage.
Guess I should look on the bright side, this could be my chance to see Ke$ha and Justin Bieber died horribly in a fire/bloodbath.
#pigsblood is trending
“Two Words: Kotex Synergy!” — Hollywood Guy
“Kreayshawn and Drake are in it.”
I laughed at this, then realized it’s a very real possibility.
I hope they don’t take out the “dirty pillow” line.
Oh and here’s to hoping Amanda Seyfreid doesn’t play Carrie.
Andy Serkis will do motion capture for the bucket of pig’s blood. The time is now! *dump*
or maybe instead of burning down the gym, carrie uses mind power to teleport gwyneth and tracy anderson to the gym, then locks everyone in together, then tracy anderson exercises them all to death while gwyneth sits on the prom queen throne shooting cleansing lasers out of her eyeballs at the people refusing to exercise. at the end of the movie, it turns out carrie was ghostwriting goop the whole time, and gwyneth paltrow is one of many robots carrie has planted around the world to make distract people from the impending apocalypse predicted by the mayans, which she (carried) will also be responsible for.