Seeing this still of Ashton Kutcher in the movie New Year’s Eve wearing his funky cool party glasses and standing in what I believe is supposed to be a New York City alleyway but as imagined by the guy who built the sets for the long-running sitcom Wings only serves to reaffirm my belief that spending New Year’s Eve as I did, going to a screening of this movie, was definitely the right choice, and I did a great job of kicking off the new year doing this thing that I definitely did for sure for real. But so, hey, does anyone have any New Year’s Resolutions? These can be silly jokes but they can also be real. You know that thing when you were in elementary school (just kidding, I know that at least 70 percent of you are still in elementary school) where you’d think you were the only one who was wondering about a particular question but then you would ask it and it would turn out that everyone was wondering the same thing? And you were a hero for helping everyone get so smart? Well, maybe what you think is just a private, tiny resolution to achieve better self-actualization is actually something that could help and inspire your fellow Videogum monsters! Why not share it? Or just some joke like “fart more.” Either way.

A good resolution is more than enough reward. But the highest rated comment will get special placement in the first Monsters’ Ball of 2012.

Comments (54)
  1. Truly, truly, truly outrageous.

  2. Real men where novelty clothes.

  3. I’m going to eat 700 oranges during the course of the year. I had some orange juice earlier but so far the count is at 0.

  4. Ashton’s descent into madness was much less interesting than Charlie Sheen’s, but still very sad.

  5. More exercising, more yoga, more sand.

  6. I’m going to eat more cookies.

  7. New Years Resolution: Get ABBA to reunite, use their power to reinstate the monarchy in Sweden, gain absolute power and reign terror for decades.

  8. I’m going to see Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy in IMAX.

  9. My case against Rainbow and Sperry is going to court, so I resolve to WIN.

  10. Play Words With Friends with Jon Hamm every day. [UPDATE: Day 3, no success so far.]

  11. Pictured: What the Mayan prophets saw that had them so convinced that the world was going to end in 2012.

  12. I resolve to get Two and a Half Men taken off the air. Or die trying.

  13. I will make a new Videogum profile and this time I will only post good jokes.

  14. Well, after watching No Strings Attached last week my resolution was to never have to look at Ashton Kutcher’s face again. Thanks a lot, Gabe!

  15. My resolution is win this caption/resolution contest and thus, earn my EGOT. I will explain a teaching passed down by my father, and his father before him, and so on. He told it to me on my 18th birthday and it’s been my yearly resolution since. He began:

    “Son, there are many paths to success in this world. Because each measure of success is defined differently by every man and woman. An individual’s mound of cash is another individual’s soul mate is another individual’s great big family is another individual’s quest for fame.

    We all define our own paths, son. My path was defined by my quest to start a family and then feed and protect that family. And until now, I believe I’ve succeeded. I’ve worked tirelessly towards my goal, and that is reward enough. I wake each day with renewed passion towards it and I sleep well each night knowing I did my best to maintain my achievements. So every year I resolve to continue doing as I do. There is no need for resolutions once you’ve set out to do what you will with the one life you’re given.

    Your path will be defined by the things you hold dear, and I should hope that by now you have an idea of what it is you want to accomplish with your life. So tell me son, what are your plans for the upcoming year? What is your resolution?”

    “Fart more”

  16. Wait, I thought New Year’s Eve was just an hour-and-a-half long Nikon COOLPIX commercial?

  17. I will finally decide whether or not to buy a Leaf. Or maybe a Volt.

  18. My new years resolution is to get into the monsters’ ball at least once this year. Last year i resolved to stop creeping on the comments and actually start writing, which went well, and it’s time I went one step further and came up with something clever/funny

    • Gophermachine, I know you can believe in yourself! If you believe in yourself, you will know how to enter the Monster Ball! Just keep practicing and you’ll get it! Thumbs Up, For Rock and Roll!

  19. I resolve to lose some emotional weight, starting with wiping this image from my memory.

  20. seek out more “real” people, not those actor, hollywood-types, preferably in a hot tub with their friends, and fuck them.

  21. Actually these glasses mean “20 – 12.” That’s the new age range I’ll date within. Not a day higher.

    • P.S. I was captioning Ashton there, not explaining my New Year’s resolution. My personal resolution is to not lay out unrealistic goals for myself. So, hey, mission accomplished. Can’t wait til 2013.

  22. To be more like this guy:

  23. I’m going vegetarian. Part of going vegetarian is that you never watch anything involving Ashton Kutcher ever again.

  24. Bring back METAL as an adjective, especially when describing children singing Christian rock versions of terrible songs.

  25. Continue on my Michael Fassbender bender… Then woo him and make him mine.

  26. I’m going to purchase a feeble public access cable show, and exploit it.

  27. Val Kilmer or Die Trying.

  28. Fartmore, Poopyland

  29. that your Father was apparently a Sim. Which reminds me, my new years resolution is to not die trying to fix the television, Life is so lonely .I am a sexy and single model at present .I need a man who can love me back . I also uploaded my hot photos on w W w.richsingleclub.C//o//m under the name of single, CERTIFIED INCOME)..Every single is welcome .If u are sincerely ,please contact me there.

    • I think you meant to reply to an earlier comment, Chris Trash.

      • Sorry. This was the first draft of my new year’s resolution, but I thought it seemed too revealing and exposed too much of my real life identity, which of course is that of a sexy single model at present (fingers crossed for tomorrow).

  30. i will do my best to not black out drunk and vomit on everything
    also i will learn to weld

  31. I joined a gym. Not as a resolution, but it’s something I’d been meaning to do as I got sick of working out at home. In fact I did it a week ago, not realizing that, when I showed up today it would look like Tokyo (the lots of people part). Not a machine unused.

    Additionally, the gym has a “spa” which is basically a steam room and a sauna. It is gender neutral/co-ed, which initially struck me as a great idea (breaking down gender norms and the like). It is in fact a terrible idea. Notwithstanding the fact that I did not know it was co-ed and almost showed my postage-stamp-sized-towel-laden beginnings to the world (before returning to the locker room to get my shorts), but everyone is super uncomfortable in there. Like, the MOST uncomfortable. MAYBE THIS IS PROGRESS

    • I don’t know. I think it might be nice to have some fine, fit young ladies in the steam room to help pull me off the lava rocks after I pass out.

  32. I will star in the Elton John biopic

  33. Every year my resolution is to floss more. This year I will have to floss 28 times.


  35. I will get peacock’d by Ashton Kutcher.

  36. Eat more Pizza, nutella, and Buffalo Chx

  37. Resolution: Believe in the theory that if I refuse to acknowledge his (Ashton’s) existence – he does not exist. Wait. Damn it. Did that work? Shhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii….

  38. To prove tose damn Mayans wrong, or die trying….along with everyone else.

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