Ben and Cam get coffee at Grumpy coffee and walk around the Lower East Side wearing their new line of Crisp jeans. Someone says “Yo, are those Crisp jeans?” and Ben and Cam fist bump each other. It’s pretty sad hearing over text on their iPhone 4s’s about how Kappo keeps getting raped in prison, but life is still pretty sweet. Gadzooks called this morning and they want another 2,500 hoodies. Ben and Cam wonder if maybe they should go to Torisi Italian Specialities for dinner to celebrate. Have you heard of it? Ben and Cam decide they’ll just go to La Esquina instead. It’s, like, their favorite place. Carnitas tacos are out of this world, bro. Ben and Cam split up and agree to meet at La Esquina later. Will they meet later? Will Crisp succeed? They do end up meeting later. It’s a success! Everyone gets free tacos and horchata at La Esquina and Amanda Seyfried is there and agrees to be in the new Crisp look book. “Is Amanda Seyfried really Crisp material?” Cue a song by Azaelia Banks.

Domingo is working on a new line of marijuana-infused chewing gum called Big Weed Chew and trying to expand his dog walking service into celebrity clientele. He’s already walking Sting’s dog and also Mark Cuban’s dog. One day he sees a cute girl and thinks he’s in love but the next day he realizes he’s not in love so he gets high. But then he realizes he was already high so now he’s super high. He buys a vietnamese banh mi from a secret Vietnamese banh mi stand that’s in the back of a jewelry store in Chinatown. This gives him the idea that maybe he could deal weed out of a banh mi stand. He texts this idea to Lulu. They agree to have brunch at Tartine in three weeks to discuss it (season finale).

Nancy calls Ben to tell him that she’s leaving Yosi because she’s pregnant. Then she says “psyche!” and hangs up the phone. Ben heaves a sigh of relief at continuing to lead a life completely free from dramatic stakes. Cam and Lulu’s dad arm wrestle over who has to pay for absinthe-based stirred cocktails at Death & Company. Lulu’s dad wins, but he agrees to pay for the drinks anyway. Cam proposes to Lulu and she suggests that they take their time and not rush into things. Cam agrees this is actually a better idea, so they keep dating for the rest of the season and no one ever mentions marriage again.

Renee continues to push for more and more distribution of his energy drink, Rasta Monstah. He realizes that what he really needs is to get a product placement in a feature film. He has a meeting with Jim Jarmusch where he threatens to break both his legs if Jim Jarmusch doesn’t feature Rasta Monstah in his next film. Jim Jarmusch laughs him off. Renee’s bodyguards remind him that he’s trying to become a legitimate businessman (still, just like last season) and he should probably stop threatening violence. Renee agrees and his meeting with Ed Burns is much more cordial. Ed Burns agrees to feature Rasta Monstah in The Brothers McMullen 2.

To celebrate their success, Ben and Cam rent out the roof of the Gansevoort in the meatpacking district, but to be extra cool, they don’t even show up to their own party. Rachel goes with the Neanderthals t-shirt designer from Bushwick. They ride tall bikes all the way there. The t-shirt designer tells her his plan to open up a ukelele factory in Clinton Hill. Rachel says she will write the marketing materials for his ukelele company but he tells her to relax and not be such an adult, they can just work out the details later. We assume eventually the details do get worked out. (It also turns out that the t-shirt designer is friends with M.I.A.) At the Gansevoort, Rachel jumps into the pool. It’s the craziest thing she’s ever done, she tells everyone, but no one is listening to her because they are too busy discussing the merits of the new M83 album while DJ Questlove spins the Attack The Block soundtrack in the background. Ben and Cam pop open a can of Sophia champagne and drink it under the Brooklyn Bridge. This is their town now. It’s all really happening.

Seven pairs of Crisp jeans sold worldwide, SON!

Comments (18)
  1. do a fan fiction reboot of Stella Got Her Groove On

  2. And then the Brooklyn Bridge collapses on them and they die? Please tell us in the next lost season!

  3. It’s good because you know now they’ve made it. But at the same time you’re wondering if they really made it? Are they happy? They seem happy? But we don’t really know. Like a lot of unanswered questions open for interpretation.

  4. The Sensational Gel Polish ad at the top of the page is unnerving. It looks like a deformed, 7-toed foot where all the toes are equal in size.

  5. Forget about a cameo, Gabe is angling at the screenwriter for the HTMiiA movie that is sure to come from its untimely cancellation.

  6. For a moment, I forgot that “You Can Make It Up” was a regular feature, and I thought maybe you were going to “make it up” to us for missing the recap boat on this television cruise and recap the episodes weekly, now that the show has been canceled… In my dreams, this is still a reality.

  7. Not to brag (because it is appalling) but this YCMIU really hits home, because I never heard of Death & Company. Until two nights ago, when a friend took me there. She’d never been before.

    Everything is black, as if someone in business school watched Edward Scissorhands 3 times and then designed a bar. The cocktails are fictional (mine had 14 ingredients). She said, “I am going to do the crazy” and ordered one that included champagne.

    The couple next to us seemed to be on their third date. I suspect it is a third date place for people age 21-24, and that it will be until April or May. I am old enough that the idea of being on a third date here seemed like something that would happen in a foreign country to less fortunate people, rather than like something I better save my money to do.

    We discussed the merits of the new Wilco album (as it happens my friend is friends with one guy in Wilco). Also the merits of American remakes of classic Scandinavian cinema (Let the Right One In). And her mom’s new boyfriend (a weirdo). And how my book is going (meh).

    After Death & Co., my friend took me to Jersey City, to a place that has half-price appetizers all night on Tuesdays. Most of the place was reserved for a private party, which consisted of middle-aged office workers dancing in a brightly lit area.

    We watched that party while eating quesadillas. It was decided that in the morning I should eat at a diner that my friend’s husband says makes the world’s best pancakes. We brought up but then did not discuss a girl I barely know who had texted me three times that day and who is under the impression we will get married (she has stalker tendencies).

    Back at my friend’s apartment we were greeted by her cat. The cat is named after a character on Dollhouse, and my 1990 Hyundai Excel was once accidentally locked in the studio where they shot Buffy; I had to walk through the Bronze to get to it.

    Wednesday morning (yesterday) I had to run to my current car so I could get to it before 10:00, when towing starts.

    My Life Is How To Make It In America, Failure Edition.

    • I don’t know, man. To me, this seems like the textbook definition of “humblebrag.”

      • Well written, though!

      • Yeah, the humblebrag problem occurred to me, but I was hoping the humble parts would undermine the brag parts comprehensively, i.e., “He knows a girl who knows a guy in Wilco, BUT they’re so out of it, their reaction to Death & Co. was ‘I know a much cooler place in New Jersey; the apps are half off!’” My reality is not the reality of which reality shows are made.

        • Oh, I think they could make a reality show about your reality. Don’t be so down on yourself. It would mostly take place in restaurants or between restaurants and people would discuss things like walking through The Bronze by accident like it’s no big thing and all the scenes would be just two people talking to each other (not always the same people, that would be boring) and they would never make eye contact with each other, they’d always be looking over each other’s shoulders intently or sort of off into the middle distance as if furiously concentrating on communicating exactly what they needed to say to make this moment, THIS moment, a tandem experience. And there would be a lot of people saying “YES!” in these conversations, to maximize the synchronicity of the moment. In fact, that should probably be the name of the show. “YES!” Jesus Christ, I started this off as a joke but now I’m sort of excited. I might even watch this show.

          This is just a lot of nonsense, not meant to be a dig at you, since I don’t even know who you are. Good luck with your book.

          • Well, there is less furious concentration while at restaurants in my reality. And I was pretty psyched to walk through the Bronze — it was major. Saying it happened was meant as a comment along the lines of, “Back then I thought I was going to be a huge success as a TV writer, and even though the reason I was on TV sets was because I was a gopher, not a writer, it still all seemed so close and about to happen — but now there is no kidding ourselves; we name our cats after TV characters and that is as close as we are getting.” I guess I am glad to explain what I meant, so thanks for replying.

            Obviously my book is going to be a huge success.

          • Seriously, don’t be so down on yourself. I’m not a huge fan of the style of writing exhibited in your first comment, the sorta arch, stylized hyper-clever super-compressed too-cool-for-school semi-ironic-but-not-really-so-who-is-REALLY-the-ironist-in-this-scenario is-it-the-one-who-perpetrates-the-alleged-irony-or-the-one-who-spots-said-irony and wasn’t-it-Jesus-or-some-Jew-anyway-who-said-don’t-throw-stones-at-people-unless-you-have-an-awesome-reason… style. Yeah.

            The reason I have a problem with it is because I do the same thing. I know that writing classes will tell you that brevity is God and that is definitely a point of view to consider when you’re writing but brevity is not God. Sometimes you just can’t get a complex point across or paint a complete picture without using a lot of words. Don’t take this comment as an example, I’m sure I could’ve used my words far more effectively. But you have to put yourself out there and sort of become the glue that holds the words together, or the blood that makes them pulse. You can’t write to escape yourself or even to make sense of your life if you’re honest about it, in my opinion. So don’t try to subtract yourself from your prose or try to force yourself into weird shapes. Don’t try to force a shape onto a story. This is some hard-earned wisdom coming at you. That’s what I had a problem with in your first comment, the too-cleverness, because it’s something I still haven’t entirely overcome. It’s hard! But work at it.

            And I meant it when I said your comment was well written. You will probably never read this. Since that is the case, sorry, I fucked your mom. Sorry!

  8. I’m really bummed no rooftop gardens were featured in the lost season. :( I’m going to munch on an artisanal pickle to sooth myself.

  9. this season must have taken place at Luc Carl’s new club, the Ludlow Manor:

  10. “One day he sees a cute girl and thinks he’s in love but the next day he realizes he’s not in love so he gets high. But then he realizes he was already high so now he’s super high.”

    In the immortal words of Gallagher: “Don’t smoke dope……….. when you’re stoned. You don’t get any higher, just lower on dope.”

  11. I don’t know, man. To me, this seems like the textbook definition of “humblebrag.

    Thanks !

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