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Remember when Paris Hilton was the worst it could get and everyone would talk about how they couldn’t believe she was famous because she didn’t have any discernible talents other than a wealthy, well-connected family and her burning desire to be famous? This was the era when the still frequently asked and with even more fervor now question “Why do people care about her?” was born. It is crazy how quaint that feels in retrospect. You never quite know what you have until it is gone. Well, not gone so much as sensually sand blasted out of erotic existence by the naughty narcissistic teenage terror rays shooting from Courtney Stodden’s “chiseled chimney.” Of course, you can extrapolate from there if you want–you don’t want–and imagine a time in the future when someone comes along to replace Courtney Stodden that makes Courtney Stodden look like Paris Hilton (which would make Paris Hilton look like, I don’t know, Dame Judi Dench?) but that’s a dangerous circular nightmare that will eventually lead you back to your own swelling, diseased heart. And the truth of the matter is that Courtney Stodden is way more FUN than Paris Hilton. Remember when Paris Hilton tried to make “that’s hot” be a thing? Fucking shut the hell up, Paris Hilton. And her stupid dead eyes? Ugh, now I’m thinking about Paris Hilton and it is making me so mad. Sorry. My fault. I started it. Paris Hilton is dead. It’s Courtney’s time now.

Here are some photos of my face while watching this video:

See what I mean? It’s just FUN! (Via Dlisted.)

Comments (38)
  1. *age check*

    Yep, still 17. Moving on…

  2. Looks like today is gonna be a two-shower kinda day.

  3. I still had braces when I was 17. I was incredibly awkward and wore my hair in something like a HairDini. I don’t understand this girl.

    • When you were 17, you were 17. When she is 17, she is 30.

      I insist to everyone that Courtney Stodden is really AT LEAST my age (28). Faking your age is no more difficult than tricking Dr. Drew into thinking your boobs are real.

      • Also let’s not forget that all stuff she’s doing to her face, hair and body today will STILL look dated, tacky and horrible 10 years from now. Except by then she’ll probably look like she’s 65 and you’ll still look like a normal adult.

  4. Reminiscing about hating Paris Hilton? What happened to Gabe’s stance on nostalgia? Let it go, Gabe. No matter how many times it shows up on the Fox reality Channel, The Simple Life is gone.

  5. And people say that the true spirit of Christmas is lost!

  6. This is my face during the viewing:

    To be fair, I am pretty sure that I was driven to madness by the video. It is our generation’s necronomicon.

    • Ok, if anyone is wondering what I’d like for the holidays, one suggestion is facebook connect’s head on a silver platter.

    • Between that and the video for Don’t Come Around Here No More, it’s a miracle that any of us survived.

      • I hated Tom Petty so much because of that video. I couldn’t listen to any of his music until a couple years ago, and I still, at almost thirty, cannot stand that song. That video and It were the two main (pop-culture related) traumas of my childhood, and while I can watch It now and laugh at it, I haven’t even attempted to rewatch that video because FUCK THAT VIDEO.

        • I actually liked Tom Petty, because I was so young when I saw that fucking thing that I never knew what song went with it. Then, thanks to the wonders of the internet, I was able to find the song that it belonged to, and relive the horrors of watching that video all over again. So fuck some Tom Petty, is what I’m saying.

  7. Plentiful pillars of puke prattle from my pulsating portals as I pointedly ponder the *GUNSHOT*

  8. Where do you think I can get a pair of shoes like that? I gotta my corporate office party tomorrow….

  9. she’s whorrific

  10. Well…at least she’s not blindfolded and kissing her own father.

    (But certainly I’ve seen videos of her that come awfully close.)

  11. and whats with the tweet-reading? she can’t be slutty spontaneously?

  12. Haters gonna hate!

    • And ‘baters gonna ‘bate. But only one of those groups should feel any sort of shame.

      • But Courtney is a deeply Christian young lady, celebrating Christmas the way the Good Lord intended, all in a shiny highly flammable bikini, fake tan and stripper heels.
        What’s not to love?

  13. Where’d they even set that up? Were the paparazzi outside their house and they were like, “Hey, let’s put on our Christmas role-playing gear, set up on the front lawn and do our foreplay for the ‘razzi and any passersby!”

    Basically, what I’m asking is: do they think they are caroling?

  14. this video has inspired me to enlist in the army that fights the war on christmas

  15. So does Doug not have any friends his age, or what? Seems like somebody should be pulling him aside to have a word with him.

  16. Kill it with fire

  17. I keep hoping against hope that one day she’ll come forward and say “Surprise! This was all an experiment to see how much of a media frenzy could be whipped up around the oversexualization of a minor!”

    I can’t wait for that day to come.

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