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This is now that time of year where we start to plan our holiday season viewing schedule, which is when we catch up on all the things we kind of wanted to see this year, but didn’t feel any pressing need to see, but we guess OK maybe we will watch it on the morning of December 27th because what else are we going to do. That holiday viewing schedule. And what’s exciting about this week’s batch of new movie trailers is that it gives us a glimpse of a lot of possible titles for next year’s holiday viewing schedule. Neat!
Expendables 2
Didn’t The Expendables 1 JUST come out? That is fast turn-around. Kind of suggests what you would think would be a logistical nightmare of star scheduling was not so bad because of how none of these people are in movies anymore. I do love when the credits say “Also Van Damme.” Also. Hahah. Whatever. This movie is the Ed Hardy vodka of movies.
Jack the Giant Killer
WHOA. UH. This looks like a joke, right? Like a hilariously well-done joke? Like someone taking a graphics class at film school decided to make an over-the-top trailer for a fake Jack and the Giant Beanstalk movie set to the MOST intense music? Also, I guess it’s been awhile since I’ve thought about the story, but what is the point of these beans? You can’t get them wet. If you do, bad stuff happens. Why would you even want these old beans? Trade them in! CASH 4 BEANS.
Good Deeds
Well, the 2013 Academy Awards are already boring and ruined because we know who wins all of them. TELL ME HOW MUCH A GALLON OF MILK COSTS!
Rock of Ages
This movie is not for me, but that’s OK, there are plenty of movies that are. But it does actually make me like Tom Cruise a little more? I mean, he didn’t HAVE TO make this movie, you know? It was a choice! A lifestyle choice, so to speak.
G.I. Joe: Retaliation
Garbage.
Men In Black 3
They’re back! All our old pals! Sort of! Did I ever tell you the story of how I saw them film a motorcycle chase for this movie? Pretty cool story. Listen for it on this week’s episode of The Moths.
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Speaking of G.I. Joe movies, you guys know that cartoon G.I.Joe movie with Don Johnson’s voice? That thing is gratuitous with the weird perverted subtext. The “portal” to the Cobrala world is obviously a huge vagina. The weird fleshy air ship things they fly around in are not only very phallic but they also shoot out a white goo. I’m not joking. If John Waters or somebody gross, Harmony Korine, were to do a big budget live action adaptation of that cartoon movie, it could be really quite rad. Would like to see it. Would grant it “up-votes” (a coveted currency here in blog commentator land) and such.
How does your prose manage to be both stilted and beautiful, Steve? It’s really an amazing trick.
This was already sort of done by the movie “Flesh Gordon.”
I am not vouching for its radness.
(jpg is of a spaceship, btw, and I apologize.)
I wonder if anyone even has to pitch movies anymore, or if there’s just a tattered list somewhere of old fairy tales and recent(ish) movies to be sequelized. Lemme call it, in the next five years there will be live action remakes of Little Red Riding Hood, Aladdin, and fantastical re-imagining of Peter, Peter, Pumpkin Eater.
Amanda Seyfried was just in a movie this year called Red Riding Hood. It was about about werewolves or something.
She’s pretty.
“She’s pretty.” – the animatronic werewolf
Shit really? Well, one down!
I think studios (and video game companies incidentally) are eager to pick up ideas in the public domain. No rights fees to deal with.
You put a tag for Good Sense but didn’t include the trailer, were you distracted by how handsome Ewan McGregor is? It’s okay, even Louis C.K. was
My initial reaction to the MIB III trailer was “Wow, this looks ridiculous.” That was quickly followed up by “Can’t wait to see it opening weekend!”
Maybe I need one of those mind-wipe thingies.
FUCK YES. Super fuckin PUMPED to see SOME EXPLOSION ASS badassery FROM THE Expendables 2. THE FIRST one was super fucking DUMB FUN and I don’t care WHO THINKS otherwise. GI JOE looks fucking HILARIOUS ALSO. Could they NOT EVEN GET half their B-list cast BACK FOR another shitfest? I mean, I know JGL IS ON THE Nolan TRAIN now, but I can’t IMAGINE everyone’s that LUCKY.
who were the actors in the first one? I didnt see it
The first GI JOE? I DON’T know exhaustively BUT I’M PRETTY sure there was a WAYAN’S brother, TATUM was the main character, DENNIS QUAID, JGL, Christopher Eccleston, and–according to Wikipedia, I didn’t SEE it–Brendan FUCKIN GEORGE of the JUNGLE Fraser.
ALSO WHOEVER made that MUSIC in the GI Joe trailer NEEDS TO get a nice punch TO THE dick.
The Expendables is an apt title, considering I’ve never heard of at least 3 of those guys.
I like that Men in Black 3 trailer and I am not Will Smith.
so cool of Will Smiff to remake Vanilla Sky.
Chocolate Sky? (boo!)
Brolin playing a young Tommy Lee Jones is weird because Jones pursued Brolin in No Country For Old Men, and now Will Smith is pursuing Jones only to find Brolin.
‘No Country For Old Men In Black.’ (a-thankyou)
YOU JUST made me with FOR A MEN IN Black 3 that was A STEALTH NO Country SEQUEL directed by THE COEN brothers. THANKS.
Plus, let’s not forget that Brolin played Jonah Hex (did I just request we NOT forget this?!), and Tommy Lee Jones was Two-Face (I think we can forget all of this!), and both characters had sides of their faces screwed up!
Since they’re both so good playing characters with sides of their faces screwed up, I’m hoping one of them will be cast in the Troy Aikman biopic
DON’T you go insulting TROY now.
Jonah Hex? Is that the movie where the protagonist and his prostitute friend pursues a deranged ex-Confederate officer who builds a superweapon to defeat the Union? Wild Wild West?
MIND BLOWN .GIF
I could have sworn Good Deeds was gonna be a black Mr Deeds reboot.
Between The Expendables and G.I. Joe, do you think Bruce Willis does his own stunt casting?
Is it bad that I don’t know how much a gallon of milk costs? Is it like $4? $3? Am I not a real person?
Also I definitely thought Josh Brolin was Rick Perry at first. I need to stop polluting my mind with the Republican debates.
Two things:
1. Phylicia Rashad is looking awesomesauce these days.
2. That Jack and the Beanstalk kid has only been tolerable as Marcus in About a Boy and as beautiful jailbait for Colin Firth. Amirite?
Josh Brolin has his Tommy Lee Jones impression PERFECTED. Good casting, MIB3.
My film list of the year of sick cinema
1) Black Biscuit – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJOwFetCUmI
2) Attenberg
3) My week with Marylin
4) Win Win
5) Submarine
6) Drive
7) Tree of Life
8) Hesher
9) Weekend
10) Shame