Joel Stein, writing for Time magazine, has declared Ryan Gosling the “Coolest Person of the Year.” Good point, Joel Stein. He started awarding this incredible prize last year in reaction to the “dorks” (his word) that the editors of Time were always choosing as Person of the Year. Again, good point, Joel Stein. Adds Stein about this year’s winner:

Our first choice was the members of SEAL Team 6, who seem insanely badass. But they are also very secretive, and there is the slim chance that one of the 24 who raided Osama bin Laden’s mansion does something totally uncool like that Borat high-five thing. We also rejected Melissa McCarthy (too energetic), Julian Assange (too 2010) and Zach Galifianakis (too beardy).

So the 2011 Coolest Person of the Year is a man who is tough but emotional. A movie star who broke up a fight on the streets of Manhattan and was also caught walking down a Manhattan street playing a Strumstick, which is like a ukulele only ukulelier. An Oscar nominee who also smokes, tags graffiti and has a predilection for posing with a fist to the camera but makes dioramas and takes public ballet classes alongside little girls too. He’s the only actor since Andy Kaufman to work as a waiter after making it in show business. One who has a rock band that spent a month accompanying a children’s marionette show in Los Angeles. He is a man who caused a protest outside our very own Time & Life Building when People magazine chose Bradley Cooper instead of him as the Sexiest Man Alive. I doubt Cooper is cool enough that his fans would object to his loss of Coolest Person of the Year by protesting in front of our building and blocking foot traffic with an annoying publicity swarm (Sixth Avenue and 50th Street, northwest corner most visible).

In your face, Seal Team Six! It’s true that Ryan Gosling has had quite a year. And this award definitely seems very legitimate and meaningful, especially because it definitely sounds like Joel Stein knows what is and is not cool and is a good person to be in charge of calling things that. But just as he introduced the Coolest Person of the Year award in response to the Person of the Year award, we are introducing the Uncoolest Person of the Year award in response to both. WHO WAS IT? Yin and yang, light and dark, sweet and sour, cool and uncool. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT! The winner will receive NOTHING because they SUCK! Hahhaha. GOTCHA. Post your nominees in the comments. Winner will be selected at random, because that’s lame. Fun. 2012. Losers. Glee. Kindle Fire. Goodnight!

Comments (47)
  1. If taking ballet classes made a person cool, my high school years would have gone a LOT smoother.

  2. Are you putting this to a vote?

  3. I vote Joel Stein.

    • I bet he’s all “Nnnnnooooooooooo”

    • my loathing of that man knows no bounds. and the fact that every so often he writes a column like “oh i know everyone hates me for writing whiney narcissistic bullshit for a major news magazine, but whatever, this week i’m gonna write about my belly button lint and turn it into a parable about my inability to get a meaningful erection and by the way last week i watched this movie, it’s call eat pray love, anyone seen it? it’s pretty good and made me think about stuff” and then i get even more fucking enraged. SHUT UP JOEL STEIN. the first nail in the coffin of time magazine being a decent and respectable news magazine was when whoever was in charge did too many bong hits and signed a multi year contract with that fucking putz.

  4. I think we should pick a winner from the ranks of the Mr. Cool Disguise pool.

  5. Mitt Perry. Rick Romney.

  6. Whichever of the presidential candidates is against gay rights.

  7. Tie between Donald Trump and Gene Simmons.

  8. “the only actor since Andy Kaufman to work as a waiter after making it in show business.”

    the perennially cool-by-way-of-being-uncool Amy Sedaris would argue otherwise.

  9. Charlize Theron. She’s such a gross nerd, you guys!

  10. Courtney Stodden

    • Don’t bully her. She’s against that.

    • I have to say, she really is the most fascinating person of 2011, without question. Why Barbara Walters left her off the list is beyond me. At least Herman Cain made it.

      I know it’s a pointless show and I didn’t care to watch it but no one (other than Herman Cain) was even remotely interesting. Now after hearing she did a spit-take upon his interest in being Secretary of Defense, I kind of want to watch it.

      But a Barbara Walters special with Courtney Stodden is just as valid as one with the Kardashians and so very much more entertaining.

  11. I am going with rick perry. It was a close vote, but I had to follow my heart.

  12. un coolest person of the year? no question: Ryan Gosling.

    the dude has made millions making movies, yet works as a waiter? what kind of man, excluding anyone that lives on a tropical island, plays the ukelele? ballet? dioramas? who does this nerd think he is? the guy can’t even win a People Magazine ‘sexiest man alive,’ and most certainly DIDN’T kill Osama Bin Laden.

    so it has to be Ryan Gosling. because he is both everything and nothing. and as decreed by the Hollywood Foreign Press, he is the winner of all the Awards.

  13. Whitney Cummings.

  14. Ryan Reynolds.

  15. Tom Kaun.

  16. It should be this person:

  17. Kelly Conaboy, nerd of nerds

  18. They need to retire this category. My parents win every year, it’s not even exciting. They’re the Meryl Streeps of this shit.

  19. you guys know when buffalo beast will do their 50 worst people of the year thing? I love those lists. gawker just did their short list of people they didnt like this year and so I looked up the buffalo beast list and read last years. good list. those are always funny

  20. gwyneth paltrow and every stupid fucking thing that’s come out of her mouth.

  21. i nominate this asshole:

  22. The nightmare audience at every GOP debate this past year.

  23. Alex Vermitsky  |   Posted on Dec 15th, 2011 +2

    Ummmmm Casey Anthony.

  24. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association

  25. Zack Galifianakis’ beard apparently since it’s the only thing standing between him and being the Coolest person of the year.

  26. Governor Scott Walker.

  27. Wait, have you guys met Jooey Deschanel, Zooey’s equally manic-pixie brother? I think he’s a major contender.

  28. I would say Shia LaBeouf, unless that’s too 2010.

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