Uhhh…soooo…I’m not sure if any of you guys have ever had a stalker, I hope none of you have ever had a stalker, but I haven’t, and uh, IT SOUNDS REALLY TERRIBLE! Certainly not the whimsical, romantic romp that the word “stalker” first brings to mind. I bring this up because young actress Selena Gomez — for whom creepy old men have never been a problem, I’m not really sure what you’re talking about — does have a stalker and his name is Thomas Brodnicki and boy does he sound like super not a lot of fun at all! Felony stalking charges against him were dropped last month, but now he’s asking for a restraining order for HIMSELF, but the judge in the case won’t grant him one until he goes to court, but he doesn’t want to go to court and he just wants the restraining order? It’s a whole big thing I’m sure, it sounds complicated. BUT LOOK AT THIS! From TMZ:

Brodnicki goes on … “I do not wish to object to the restraining order against me because I know it is the only thing that will make me stay away from Selena.”

In another declaration that was just filed, LAPD Detective Jose Viramontes said when he picked Brodnicki up on the psych hold, “He told me that he had over fifty conversations with God a day, about killing Ms. Gomez.”

This is my face right now. I wish I could just send a picture of that face to the judge. It would just be an 8×10 of that face and then a post-it saying, “LOOK AT THIS FACE,” and the judge would know exactly what it meant. In lieu of sending that face, I’d like to file my own declaration with the judge, or whatever. It’s just my duty as a citizen and person who read this story about Selena Gomez, Justin Bieber’s girlfriend, on TMZ. Here it is, let me know if it needs any sprucing up.

Dear Judge,

I’d like to declare (?) that you grant this restraining order against Thomas Brodnicki. Did you see the thing he said about having over fifty conversations with God a day about killing Selena Gomez? HOLY SHIT, RIGHT? Isn’t that very scary and crazy? Yes! I agree. I imagine that you just replied in the affirmative. But, just as an aside, do you think that God is really talking to him? If so, why do you think God wants him to kill Selena Gomez? Do you think it’s because he needs her as an angel in Heaven? If so, why doesn’t he just kill her himself? I mean, I know that sounds terrible. But if we’re going to first believe that God exists and is talking to Thomas Bradnicki fifty times a day, which is pretty excessive and I think maybe if this is the case BOTH of them need to get a life, but if we’re going to believe that we also have to believe that God could get the job done himself. God kills people all day! It’s pretty much the #1 thing that She does. Sooooo. But, anyway, listen, I don’t really think it matters why God wants Thomas Brodnicki to kill Selena Gomez, because what matters is that he needs to NOT DO THAT, BECAUSE THAT IS SCARY AND DON’T LET HIM DO IT! Just reading it in words is very scary!

Ok, so, thanks!



Comments (16)
  1. “I do not wish to object to the restraining order against me because I know it is the only thing that will make me stay away from Selena.”

    I actually think that’s almost crazier than his chats with God. Like, he knows he shouldn’t stalk her and wants not to stalk her, and all that he requires to quit stalking her is someone saying it’s Officially Not OK.

  2. Kelly, your face is looking a little…stretched.… Have you seen a doctor about your resolution?

  3. I had a stalker once. It was partly my fault for being nice to her and giving her some attention, but I was just trying to do the right thing; she was 14, and I was trying to get her to be a better person, so that she wouldn’t offer sexual favors to any other guys who might actually take her up on it. I had to cut her off, though, when she named our kids (Brian and Tracey) and said she would kill any girl I talk to. I guess she wasn’t happy about that, because when I saw her a few years later, she wouldn’t even make eye contact with me, so I guess she was pretty upset. Also, she’s apparently a model now, so maybe I shouldn’t have been so quick to burn that bridge. Live and learn, I suppose.

  4. I misinterpreted this entire article. I thought Brodninski (Sp?) (too lazy to scroll up) wanted a straining order AGAINST himself, which opened up a can of worms in my head and although a self-inflicted restraining order is NOT the issue here or even a thing, and now I want to invent it and make it a thing that you can do.

  5. What’s more disturbing, the post itself or that there’s a ‘Mr. Skin’ banner ad at the top?

    • That actually makes a LOT of the posts on Videogum more disturbing. I’ll never look at the Louis C.K. Promise the same way again.

    • I don’t get a ‘Mr. Skin’ banner ad…just a samsung ad. i would say that’s based on browsing history, but i DEFINITELY haven’t been looking at samsungs online. that would be gross.

      • actually when the page reloaded as i submitted that comment, i got a mr. skin ad. so… maybe god stopped talking to mr. brodnicki long enough to put egg on my face.

  6. It’s impressive that God has time between granting R&B Grammys and Country Music Awards to oversee Selena Gomez’s murder. God — what can’t he do?

    • He also listens to that football player, the one who prays so much it’s the new planking or something? Writes bible verses on his face? I wonder what he thinks of Selena Gomez.

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