You can’t just go out and commit the perfect crime. It takes days, weeks, months, maybe years of strategic planning. You have to track people’s every day movements until they’re more familiar than your own. You have to plan escape routes, contingency plans, alibis. A perfect criminal’s life is often a lonely one because you cannot form any personal attachments. Personal attachments will make you second-guess yourself. Personal attachments can be used against you. No, the perfect criminal putting together the perfect crime must be sharp, focused, and cold-blooded. That way, when you drive by your neighbor’s house in the middle of the night and steal their inflatable Christmas decorations including an inflatable Christmas Eeyore (?!) and a very festive Mickey Mouse on a horse (?!?!?!?!) right in front of your neighbor’s home security camera and then drive less than a block away and put the decorations up on your own lawn, it goes off without a hitch and two days later you’re drinking margaritas on the front lawn and making plans to finally go straight, maybe fix up that 10-speed bike you found in the trash. The easy life, for sure, because you earned it, because you’re a mastermind and a goddamned genius. Wait, they arrested you? BUT HOW?!

Oh, Florida. That should be Florida’s new slogan on their license plates and tourist souvenirs. “Oh, Florida.” And a picture of a pelican smoking a cigarette with its wings in handcuffs. “The Nick Nolte of states!” (Via Dlisted.)

Comments (35)
  1. The yoga pants those women are wearing must be Grinch brand, because they’ve swelled three sizes.

  2. “Why do Mickey Mouses ride horses?” -Christmas Amelia Earhart

  3. One count of Grand Theft Eeyore and one count of Grand Theft Mickey Mouse on a Horse. Bail denied forever.

  4. The fact that no ornaments ended up in orifices makes me question whether this actually happened in Florida.

  5. Perfect Crime Story:

    When my brother was very young, he desperately wanted to get a Super Scope for our Super Nintendo. At the time, he was about 5 years old. Criminal mastermind that he is, he came up with a plan.

    He went into the dresser drawer where I kept my wallet (I was about 13 at the time), and took out the Christmas money that was inside. I discovered the theft a few days later, and assumed that it had been taken by the woman who came by the house once a week to clean. I went to my mother with the problem, and while she thought it was possible that the woman had stolen it, she also thought that nobody could be that stupid.

    A few days later, she found the money somewhere in my brother’s room. When he was confronted, he admitted what he had done. My mother stood there and looked at him. After a long pause, she asked him what his plan had been. He replied that he planned to go to the store and buy the Super Scope, then bring it home like everything was normal. He could never account for the part where a 5 year old would have to get to the store, purchase the toy, and then explain to the rest of us where he got the money.

    tl;dr – my brother is a master criminal

    • And he would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those pesky years and years of life experience he had not yet accumulated.

    • I kept waiting for the twist ending where it turned out you had intended to use the money to buy him a super scope, but since he stole it you ended up just knitting him some fingerless glove (fingerless because you ran out of time, and also because he will need his fingers free to pull the trigger on his arsenal illegal firearms.)

    • You had a cleaning lady every week? Goddamn one percenter! Either that, or you were very dirty kids.

      • Nah, it’s just that there were three of us and my mother was running around and didn’t have time for proper cleaning. It was someone mostly to clean the floors and dust. I don’t think it was terribly expensive, actually.

        • One of the poorest family I knew growing up had a cleaning lady. The family had four boys in a big rickety house, and they hired a lady to come by once a week to help keep things under control. Their youngest son was a friend of mine, and I went over once for the day while the cleaning lady was there. When it came time to go I couldn’t find my backpack full of Nintendo games. It took us close to an hour to find it hidden deep in the closet under the stairs with their camping supplies.

    • Did you ever apologize for breaking her favorite toy?

    • Here’s my Perfect Crime Story:

      When I was a child, my best friend and I stole a dog from our neighbor’s back yard because we were convinced nobody lived in the house and, Occam’s Razor, since we never saw the people, the dog must have been living there alone.

      So my friend took the dog to her back yard and I kept the collar in my room. We named her Chee, after my good Hmong friend from school. That night, police arrived at the door and I was caught red handed. They told me never to steal dogs again and I learned my lesson.

    • My perfect crime story (that makes me sound like a mild sociopath):

      When I was about 7 or 8, my uncle gave me parakeets for my birthday (it was the only above-ground pet my parents would tolerate us having in the house). I was super excited and loved those little guys as much as you can love a couple of mean, yappy, non-cuddly, non-smart birds that tried to chew your fingers off every time you placed a hand in the vicinity of their cage. Anyway.

      I took care of them as best as I could, but somewhere along the way I got lazy and lost interest, as children do. (Right?) I soon discovered that they didn’t need to be fed EVERY SINGLE day to survive, so I dropped it down to every other day, then, every few days, then whenever I would happen to notice their food trays were empty. Eventually I must have gotten so negligent that I forgot to feed them for maybe a week, because one day I came home from school and noticed their tiny lifeless bodies lying atop their own feces at the bottom of the cage. I dutifully freaked out and started crying (from guilt and genuine sadness that my pets were dead), BUT NOT BEFORE CLEVERLY REFILLING THE FOOD TRAYS FOR APPEARANCES’ SAKE.

      To this day, my family still thinks the birds got sick and died mysteriously; I never got the guts to come clean about my own childhood negligence and subsequent coverup, and this has been the one constant, recurring guilt-inducing memory of my life. I think about it every now and then, when I’m feeling particularly unworthy.

  6. Hey! Y’all forgot y’all’s cameraman!

  7. Eyeore Santa is awesome. I would steal one from someones front yard.

  8. Mickey Mouse on a horse. Mickey Mouse on a horse. Look at him dance now look at him go it’s Mickey Mouse on a horse. Ohhhhh Mickey Mouse on a horse. Mickey Mouse on a horse. Look at him dance now look at him go it’s Mickey Mouse on a horse. Ohhhhh Mickey Mouse on a horse. Mickey Mouse on a horse. Look at him dance now look at him go it’s Mickey Mouse on a horse. Ohhhhh Mickey Mouse on a horse. Mickey Mouse on a horse. Look at him dance now look at him go it’s Mickey Mouse on a horse. Ohhhhh Mickey Mouse on a horse. Mickey Mouse on a horse. Look at him dance now look at him go it’s Mickey Mouse on a horse. Ohhhhh Mickey Mouse on a horse. Mickey Mouse on a horse. Look at him dance now look at him go it’s Mickey Mouse on a horse.

  9. No, not the hugging penguins!

  10. “Mickey Mouse on a horse…some hugging penguins…we’re not fucking around here!” -way too serious police officer reporting on a ridiculous crime

  11. A few years ago we were decorating for Christmas and discovered we were missing the classy white twinkly lights were that we typically string around our garage door. There were maybe three strings of them and they had been in our shed out back which sits unlocked year round. We live in a very trusting neighborhood and had never had a problem. About a week later we were driving through our subdivision and about 8 houses down from ours was a house with our twinkly white lights. We couldn’t believe it. So, my dad being a electrician came up with this amazing plan for some playful revenge. We drove over to their house one night, and while mom took a basket of cookies to the door and made small talk about the holidays, Dad and I snuck around back and hot wired their fuse box and created a short in their lighting circuit. That evening when their Christmas lights timer went off it caused an overload of the system, and the hot wired fuse box didn’t shut it down in time, before the whole string of lights burst into flames. We sat drinking cocoa on the patio waving to the fire trucks as they went by laughing to the tune of Bing Crosby’s “Oh the Weather Outside is Frightful”. It was perhaps the best Christmas memory I have. Also, one of our last as a family. A few weeks later we found our Christmas lights under the Foosball table in the basement, and Dad and Mom turned themselves in for premeditated arson.

  12. Did someone steal that reporter’s eyebrows?

  13. One of my fondest Christmas memories was the annual reading of the Mickey Mouse Horse E-books

  14. JUST ONE STATION!

    Wow, great job, Channel 7. Congratulations on being the only station to bring us this very important Christmas news!

  15. Love those news graphics. It’s like nobody at WSVN has ever seen a single Onion Network News video.

  16. Half of the houses on my street have giant inflatable decorations, but is a very small street, so it sort of just looks like a half-assed carnival.

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