Tonight, after a five year hiatus that seemed like a forever years hiatus, America’s Most Important Television Show will return to NBC. FEAR FACTOR IS FEAR BACK-TOR! (I should probably write Joe Rogan’s banter for that show. Unfortunately, all the writing spots are filled by actual centipedes that live in a bucket of dirt in the corner.) This of course is great news for fans of seeing people barfing and collecting all the flags of the highwire suspended platform. Will the sassy nail salon worker who seems to be making “fuck me” eyes at Joe Rogan be able to last a minute in the plexiglas coffin of snakes? Will the guy who looks like he wandered in from a Senor Frogs foam party manage to drive the car fast enough to flip it over the brick wall? Will Joe Rogan shave his face? Will the bugs decide they deserve better than this? We will all be tuning in to find out, I’m sure. In order to celebrate this wonderful event, we should all have one drink as a toast. Here is what you say when you raise your glass: “To Fear Factor. May your vomit be plenty and your tear-filled scream faces never relax.” After that celebratory drink, though, it is time to get to the real drinking, with the Fear Factor Reboot Drinking Game. Here are the rules:
Take a drink any time:
- Joe Rogan considers the absurdity of life.
- Joe Rogan calls someone “monsieur” instead of “bro.”
- Joe Rogan pledges to donate a portion of his salary to charity.
- Joe Rogan makes a smart and funny literary reference.
- A contestant appears to be older than 28.
- A contestant maintains their dignity.
- A contestant explains why they’re on the show and it sounds reasonable and like a good idea.
- A contestant doesn’t seem like they’re confused about how famous an appearance on Fear Factor will actually make them, which is not at all famous whatsoever.
- A challenge reflects less cartoonish, more terrifying fears, such as the fear of abandonment, or the fear of being forgotten.
- A challenge is conducted with respect for human beings.
- A challenge doesn’t make you wonder what you are doing with your life and how you are prioritizing your time that you’re watching the reboot of Fear Factor.
- A challenge ends in a way that is satisfying and rewarding.
Leave the throwing up to the assholes on this show, guys. Let’s stay clear-headed tonight for once!