As we all know, the lives of celebrities are very different from the lives of non-celebrities, and probably even further removed from the lives of people who are very good at using the Internet. I’m sure most (especially older) celebrities have never had to, for example, try to figure out the last name of someone they went to elementary school with because that family owned a restaurant that they used to enjoy going to and let me just google this ooonnne thing annnnnddd oh, there it is. Because they have assistants to do that kind of thing for them. Maybe some of them don’t even know the Internet exists just because they don’t need to. WHO KNOWS! I’m sure their lives are wonderful in ways we can’t even imagine. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, for example, apparently have no idea how to use Amazon.com, even though they were trying to use it together and are adults with apparently functioning brains. From USA Today, via Dlisted:

“I always Christmas shop early in case we have to travel somewhere. Brad and I were on Amazon.com for the first time a week ago. But we got lost. After an hour, we just shut it off. My brain is too scattered and the wires go in different directions. I’ll stick to catalogs.”

They “got lost”? How did you get lost, Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt? Was it the first time you ever used a website in general? If so, what made you want to try? You say you purchase items using catalogs?! Do you just tell your assistants to purchase the items or do you honestly make a call and purchase them yourselves? HONESTLY? Obviously, there are a lot of unanswered questions in this short quote about Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt not knowing how to use Amazon.com, so it’s super lucky that we’ve gained access to the entire transcript of their struggle. 

Angelina Jolie: Brad, can you go find the computer?
Brad Pitt: The what?
Angelina Jolie: The computer, Brad. We got one as a gift about a month ago, I had Jessica set it up in the second gift room.
Brad Pitt: Ohhhhhh. Ok, yeah. I’ll go check for it. What color is it again?
Angelina Jolie: I’m not sure. It’s the only computer in the second gift room, you’ll see it.
Brad Pitt: Yeah, yeah. I’m sure I’ll see it. So just one more thing, though, what size is it? Like if you had to compare it to the size of, like, a normal thing.
Angelina Jolie: What? It’s a computer, can you PLEASE just get the computer.

[Brad Pitt leaves to find the computer. To his surprise, he recognizes the computer immediately. It's a desktop, though, and he has no idea how he's supposed to bring it into the other room because there are multiple parts and it's plugged into the wall and like what...even? So he goes back to see Angelina Jolie.]

Brad Pitt: Angie, for the life of me I can’t figure out how to move that into another room.
Angelina Jolie: Ugh, Brad, fine I’ll go with you.

[Angelina Jolie accompanies Brad Pitt to the second gift room where she sees the computer. Embarrassed, she notices her mistake and kisses her husband. He kisses her back. They stare at the computer together for a moment.]

Brad Pitt: So what did you want to do with this anyway?
Angelina Jolie: I wanted to get some Christmas shopping done in case we have to travel somewhere.
Brad Pitt: That’s good thinking, Ang. How do we do it?
Angelina Jolie: Jessica wrote down the name of a website to visit…Amazon.com.
Brad Pitt: A what?
Angelina Jolie: Can you please quit it with that? Ooook, let’s boot up this website here…Ahhh, great. Amazon.com. Now. Ok. Let’s just…

[Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt click around Amazon.com for one hour.]

Brad Pitt: Wait, so…Where are we?
Angelina Jolie: Yeah, I’m not sure.

[Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt grow very scared. They are searching for videogame system in the book section accidentally and somehow clicked out of Amazon.com onto the website of a popular book publisher.]

Brad Pitt: WHERE ARE WE?!
Angelina Jolie: I DON’T KNOW, BRAD!
Brad Pitt: CAN YOU PLEASE SHUT IT OFF? SHUT IT OFF!!!!
Angelina Jolie: I’M TRYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And that is how Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt decided to only ever use catalogs for the rest of their lives. The end. Merry Christmas!

Comments (26)
  1. It’s like a jungle on there

  2. “They have the internet on computers now?”

  3. My brain is too scattered and the wires go in different directions.

    I’m glad Angelina Jolie is finally admitting she’s a robot.

  4. “Celebrities – they’re just like us!” – grandparents


  5. “We have to go back to the home page.”

  6. Brad and Angelina are going to be soooooo mad when they read thi – oh, right.

  7. For my birthday, my sister gave me an Amazon gift card. It’s much more fun to buy stuff there with free money. Maybe they need to look in their gift rooms for an Amazon.com gift card.

  8. I’m sure fans of HACKERS are absolutely crestfallen.

    “Mess with the best, buy like the rest!” -Amazon.com

  9. I knew this was a Kelly piece because Brad Pitt’s word balloon wasn’t in the “Impact” font.

  10. They should make a sequel to Tomb Raider that is just footage of Angelina Jolie getting lost on Amazon.com.

  11. For real, though, Amazon is the Shopsins menu of the internet

  12. WAIT!

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/01/11/winona-ryder-scared-of-the-internet_n_807280.html

    The lives of celebrities are like a dark room. One. Big. Dark. Room.

  13. I feel like they both just stood there yelling “AMAZON” at the computer until they got bored.

  14. “Jaaanneee!! Stop this crazy thing!!”

  15. “We are so lucky to have been raised amongst catalogs.” – Vivienne Pitt

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.