It’s hard to love babies sometimes. Especially when there’s one that lives in the apartment above yours that never EVER stops crying, to the point where you’ve considered both knocking on the door of the apartment at 4AM to say something to the parents, or leaving a note under their door during the day. But what would you even say? “Can you please make the tiny, brainless person you own stop screaming somehow? I’m not sure if it’s bothering you guys at all but it’s certainly bothering me downstairs.” No, you can’t say that. I’m sure they’re having a much tougher time with it than you are, whoever the you might be in this story. Then again, though: YOU NEVER ASKED FOR THIS! You will get none of the joy that this baby has to offer. You’ll never get to teach it anything and you don’t even know what it looks like. You’ll only get the lack of sleep. So it’s nice, when faced with all of the terrible things that happen when babies exist in your life, to be able to get a little joy out of them, too. Like when you get to watch a video of them performing tae kwon do in the most wonderful way you could ever imagine. Maybe turn your volume down for this one though because although it is wonderful, it is also very loud and obnoxious. HOW FITTING.

Oh, babies. If only you were born at the age where you put on big puffy tae kwon do outfits and bounce around and almost kick each other. You’d be much easier to love from afar. (Thanks for the tip, Tom, Ashley, and Gideon!)

Comments (32)
  1. Kelly, you should offer “tips” to the parents. New parents love that.

    • Jenny McCarthy is Kelly’s new sensei.

    • Seriously… just helpful tips you picked out from magazines or the Style section of the NY Times. Slip them under the door. They LOVE that.

      I spend a lot of time w/my new mom friends… or did until I moved to a city where my friends have lives instead of children. Honestly, all my lady friends in L.A. are moms, which is fine. I’m the distraction and the crazy friend aunt who brings wine. Anyway, was visiting my new nephew and he was crying over something very similar to what every other baby cries over. I offer a tip that I’ve seen work hundreds of times before and my sister-in-law acted like I suggested giving the baby cigarettes and bourbon. Ha! Like he has the dexterity for cigarettes. But her arguments were based on arbitrary things she read in a book, which are just as valid or invalid as arbitrary things from anywhere else and any other book. (Just kidding, her book is right.)

      My point is, I hate new parents more than screaming babies.

      • Oh man, new mommies are the WORST. I am so very happy that Mrs. Taco never became one of those. She found a new mommy message board online that she would read, and some of the posts were the most amazing things that I had ever read. I actually tried trolling them for funsies, but it was TOO easy. It wasn’t even a challenge, so I got bored quickly. Pretty much all you have to do is ask if it’s true that pregnant women can’t go swimming because the baby will drown, and they’ll go completely apeshit.

        • You got a keeper, FT. I called my mom friends after my visit to thank them profusely for being great. I never realized how important it is that fun people have babies until now.

  2. NOAT THAT YOU ASKED, but for all you non-parents out there, it is important to remember that, no matter how annoyed you are with a baby that will not stop screaming, it is always always ALWAYS worse for the parent. Because you cannot get away from that kid. They are ALWAYS around you screaming. So you get a lot more tired of it, plus you’re embarassed because you know other people are judging you and your baby.

    Also, did you know that for the first three months that a baby is alive are TERRIBLE? Nobody tells you just how bad it is! They can’t move, smile, or react to you in any way. All they do is stay exactly where you put them, just screaming their tiny little faces off!

  3. Tae Kwon Do…or rehearsals for Bieber’s next music video?

  4. Kyler Wins! BABALITY!

  5. *Note to self, ear plugs for Kelly’s stocking.

  6. Tyke Won Do

  7. Somewhere, someone awesome is setting this to Hey-Ya.

  8. teaching babies to fight…great idea…hmmm. maybe we could do it with midgets next?…..or better yet, bums!

  9. kelly you and i are in the same boat! except mine is in the apartment adjacent, so there is a baby crying on the other side of my bedroom wall. hurray!

    this morning my alarm was a set a little too loud and it woke the baby. i feel guilty at how gleeful i felt. HA BABY, now you know how it feels to be awoken by loud noises!

  10. I think Jazz Kwon Do is more up my alley.

  11. The baby in blue has the most deadly spinning kick

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.