Whether or not you enjoyed the 2000 Christian Bale adaptation of the Bret Easton Ellis novel American Psycho, or if you thought it was just “OK,” or even if you’ve never seen it but understand the idea that it was released eleven years ago, one thing we can definitely all agree on as a family is that it is LONG OVERDUE for a remake. Let’s get those words back on the screen! What is everyone waiting for!? Oh, nothing? They ARE getting them back on the screen? Lionsgate is developing the remake and just hired Noble Jones, a screenwriter (I’m sure), to write the script? Perfect. From Deadline :

[Jones'] take was to tap the Bret Easton Ellis novel and turn it into a down and dirty new version that imagines how yuppie serial killer Patrick Bateman would fare in New York today, factoring in how the world has changed since the 2000 film that starred Christian Bale.

Sure. We should probably just remake every movie that was released before 9/11 and set it in a post-9/11 world, just to see how the situations would play out differently. “You see, in the remake, Patrick Bateman has to take his shoes off at the airport and there’s an Occupy Wall Street joke.” To be fair, I guess this is more of a re-adaptation of the novel American Psycho rather than a remake of the movie American Psycho, but also to be fair, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! Adapt a different book, there are LOTS. This one is taken and is a “modern classic” according to some! Maybe you can Confederacy of Dunces in a post-Katrina world? JUST DO SOMETHING ELSE! But, I guess if you’re super intent on doing this one again, at least please include these things:

  • Patrick Bateman killing the Jared Leto character (still played by Jared Leto) to Ke$ha’s “Tik Tok.”
  • Patrick Bateman turning off the other version of American Psycho when he sees it on TV and then saying “Nothing’s on. I guess we’ll have to do something else” before he kills a prostitute or whatever.
  • Patrick Bateman looking out over the NYC skyline.
  • Patrick Bateman has a tumblr.
  • Carey Mulligan is the Chloë Sevigny character.
  • Patrick Bateman has a Twitter.
  • Patrick Bateman kills Snookie but she doesn’t die immediately so he has to kill her more.

AT LEAST INCLUDE THOSE. If you’re going to do this again for 100% no reason,  please do it right.

Comments (35)
  1. Patrick Bateman delivers an manic, minutely detailed monologue about Coldplay’s discography. Also, he tries to Shazam a dying prostitute’s screams.

    • “Their early work was a little too much of a Radiohead ripoff wannabe for my taste, but when X & Y came out in 2005, I really think they came into their own horribleness.”

  2. “…factoring in how the world has changed since the 2000 film…”

    So, the screenwriter understands that both the book and the movie were set in the 80s, right?

  3. Man, Hollywood just can’t resist remaking anything remotely popular. Like cheese to a rat.

    • Now I’m not sure if I hope people get this or don’t get this.

      • the rat in the tube up the vagina? never read the book, somebody told me about that

      • That reference is where the Batman avatar and the ‘& Chainsaws’ part of my name comes from. My friend asked me to photoshop a cd cover for a mixed cd he made. He wanted a picture of a Batman (Bale had just been cast for the Batman Begins, but Adam West’s proved the funniest) holding a chainsaw (Bale in American Psycho), and a big slice of cheese behind him.

        The title of the mixed cd was “Cheese & Chainsaws: Patrick Bateman’s Super-Fun Happy Guide to Dating.”

        My avatar has gone through a couple changes since then of Batman attacking various peoples (Robin and Egghead at first, then he was the Psycho in the Jon Hamm SNL photo homage with Batman behind the shower curtain, and now he’s basically Bob[?] going after Laura Palmer), but it all started because my friend made up that title for his mixed cd.

        • Cool story. And I actually mean it!

          • My avatar story is comparatively incredibly boring. I was on a Bergman kick and feeling a bit of PTSD. That’s pretty much it.

            I don’t want to change it because A) That’s how monsters know me and B) I’m lazy.

            Cool story. And now I’m being sarcastic.

  4. Noble Jones also announced he plans to remake The Muppets to see how The Muppets would fare in L.A. today and how the world has changed since the 2011 film starring Jason Segel. SPOILER ALERT: Steve Doocy dies at the end.

  5. Sabrina, don’t just stare at it. Take an Instagr.am, tweet about it, eat it, then write a Yelp review.

  6. What if instead of Patrick Bateman it was Jason Bateman? Narrated by Ron Howard.

  7. if i know my lionsgate remakes, they’re probably just going to take out all of the subtext, cast it with a bunch of good-looking TV actors, add a nu-metal soundtrack and film it with the f-stop 2-clicks too low.

  8. Replace the giant ’80′s cell phone with an iPhone. And then throw the fucking remake in the garbage, because that phone was the whole point of the movie.

  9. This is so DUMB! This movie is great as-is! Dammit Hollywood, why can’t you just focus on the things you know how to do, like making Grown-Ups 2 and Alvin and the Chipmunks squeakquels for infinity?!

  10. I have to delete some .mov files from my MacBook Air.

  11. 80s, not 80′s. You can use 80s’ I guess if you want.

  12. I have to delete some .mov files from my MacBook Air

  13. herman cain

  14. Welp, I guess my American Psycho cupcakes are passé now.

  15. I have to go return some videotapes- apparently they’re eleven years overdue now

  16. American Psycho 2: All American Girl, starring Mila Kunis
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0283877/
    The trailer looks and sounds like some half-baked sketch show idea and I love it.
    http://youtu.be/I3Nhoaat8Kc

  17. FEED ME A STRAY LOLCAT

  18. starring James Franco

  19. Another fine film they couldnt wait to bleed dry, Robocop footloose, you know maybe hollywood should have just fired all the writers. i mean how hard is it to put out 4 remakes a month and have 1-2 original films per year… Keep Crying Hollywood about pirating….im not willing to pay twice for the same crap

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