Just kidding. The all-caps title was a JK. The news that Ryan Seacrest may replace Matt Lauer on Today seems obvious not because I knew that Matt Lauer was thinking of not renewing his Today contract when it’s up in 2012, but because from what I can tell it seems like television will eventually evolve* into merely an image of Ryan Seacrest smiling while we plug in and download celebrity news directly into our permanent brain drives. In fact if you had asked me this morning, “Hey, what’s the least shocking bit of news you could hear?” I would have responded, “Either that Ryan Seacrest is in talks to replace Matt Lauer on Today oooor” and you would have said, “STOP RIGHT THERE! Stop guessing, you got it.” And I would’ve said, “Oooooor that Breaking Dawn is still #1 at the box office.” And you would’ve said, “You already got it.” And I would’ve said, “got what?” Because I AM IMPOSSIBLE. Anyway, don’t take MY word for it, of course. Here is The Hollywood Reporter:

The latest round of rumblings began with the The Wall Street Journal, which reported that NBC executives, including Today executive producer Jim Bell, met with Seacrest earlier this week to discuss the possibility of him joining NBC’s hugely valuable morning show. Multiple sources confirm to The Hollywood Reporter that the meeting did take place, but described it as part of continued discussions with the multi-hyphenate American Idol host.

I don’t know about you but I am on the edge of my seat just waiting to hear where this story goes just kidding! Lots of jokes in here. To continue on with the fun we’ve been having, I’ve included a list of EVEN MORE SHOCKING Ryan Seacrest news that all may or may not be true, who can say:

  • Last night Ryan Seacrest got more than four hours of sleep and has been blaming everything that goes wrong on “maybe too MUCH sleep?” today.
  • Ryan Seacrest will make a shocking appearance on The Soup after Joel McHale says something about how he is short.
  • This morning Ryan Seacrest ate half a grapefruit and it wasn’t the best grapefruit he’s ever eaten but not the worst, closer to the worst but not by a very large margin.
  • Ryan Seacrest will replace Regis Philbin on Ryan & Kelly.
  • Ryan Seacrest will replace Larry King on Ryan Seacrest Live.
  • Ryan Seacrest is Entertainment Weekly‘s Man of the Year or whatever for 2012 already.
  • Ryan Seacrest gives a lot of the stuff he gets for free away to whoever wants it when they visit his home.
  • Ryan Seacrest has been given a contract from Hollywood in general that he will be on TV long after we’ve all forgotten what TV is because we’re sooooo old.
  • Ryan Seacrest gets his suits made to his exact measurements in fabric he hand-picks.
  • Ryan Seacrest likes food enough but wouldn’t call himself a foodie.
  • Ryan Seacrest doesn’t object to having a little bit of work done if he needs it, after all what he looks like is a big part of his job.

WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW! Who knew Ryan Seacrest could have all of that up his well-tailored sleeve. What an intense morning we’ve all had already! Go hit the showers, you deserve it.

*Evolve is correct.
Comments (14)
  1. Meanwhile, Brian Dunkelman is in talks to buy Steve Doocy’s won out ties from the wardrobe director at Fox & Friends.

    • i can just picture him alone in a two-story, one bedroom condo, empty except for a mattress on the floor and a desk and chair, wearing all of the ties at the same time shouting “Dunkleman, out!” in front of a mirror over and over at various inflections.

  2. Ryan Seacrest is actually a selkie, but his selkie pelt was stolen by Simon Cowell, who lost it in a poker game to the president of E!. Ryan cannot return home to the sea until he finds his selkie pelt once more. He stares at the coast longingly every day from 2:30-3:00, thinking about his lost selkie family, wondering if they miss him as he misses them. He won’t cry, though. He won’t give humans the satisfaction.

  3. Ryan Seacrest + the Today Show? Christmas came early for Joel McHale!

  4. there is a provision in his contract that they will have to add in an exclamation point in the title, known in the industry as “the Schnieder Clause”.

  5. Ryan Seacrest: Multi-Hyphenate

  6. I hope he really does do all that stuff, because then I’ll be like, “Ryan, seek rest.” and everyone will be like, “Wow, that joke was right there in front of us the whole time and we didn’t see it, I guess that’s why you’re a successful author/adventurer and don’t have to work at your old job anymore.”

  7. Noooo Matt Lauer is the only tolerable part of the Today Show! As someone who uses an old school antenna, my morning television options are already severely limited. Looks like I’m going to have to switch over to listening to music while I get ready in the mornings.

  8. Unrelated to the story in general, but “The latest round of rumblings…” is the kind of thing that someone would write to make me want to punch them right in the face. It makes me cringe, and honestly bothers me to no end (until I read a Daily Mail science article) that someone gets paid to do that.

    The latest round of rumblings begin with fuck you hollywood reporter

    • “Our original copy started The latest round of rumors ruffling around about Ryan… but we really thought about how much facepunching would occur, and decided to make some cuts.”

  9. “That should have been me!” – Carson Daly

  10. So instead of Kardashian news once a week there will be a daily Kardashian Hour?

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