Kelly: Hello, Gabe
Gabe: hi kelly
Gabe: how are you?
Kelly: I’m doing well, considering. How are you?
Gabe: whoa.
Gabe: considering what?
Kelly: Hahah
Kelly: Well don’t tell me you haven’t heard the news.
Gabe: the news? you mean the three stooges trailer?
Kelly: Oh jesus don’t even get me started on the three stooges trailer
Kelly: While I’m trying to wrap my head around the REAL news
Kelly: That Janice Dickinson is claiming that America’s Next Top Model is RIGGED!

Gabe: WHUUUUUUUUUUT is America’s Next Top Model?
Gabe: just kidding, love that show
Kelly: That’s why this is so devastating
Gabe: not everyone
Gabe: not everyone, kelly
Kelly: Yes everyone, Gabe
Kelly: I have no idea why it is SO HARD
Kelly: To find an image of just the word “everyone” to link to

Gabe: well, so how does this make you FEEL?
Gabe: as a WOMYN?
Kelly: Well first I feel betrayed
Kelly: I’ve put a lot of time and trust into ANTM over the years
Gabe: how much trust?
Gabe: how much TRUST have you put into it?
Kelly: 40% of the total amount of trust I’m capable of
Gabe: that’s too much
Gabe: i feel like this is becoming more of a Kelly Problem
Gabe: than an ANTM Problem
Kelly: I never said I was perfect, Gabe, you asked me how I felt I thought you wanted to know the truth
Kelly: Turns out you’re just like every other MAN
Gabe: how do you feel?
Gabe: “perfect”
Kelly: UGH
Gabe: well, this is pretty serious news
Gabe: considering the many years that janice dickinson
Gabe: has spent
Gabe: proving to everyone that she is a reliable person
Gabe: with important things to do and say
Kelly: Hahah, I know. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
Kelly: Next thing you know it’s going to be revealed that she wasn’t even the world’s first super model or whatever

Gabe: why is she coming forward with this bombshell now?
Kelly: Because someone finally asked her to be on a talk show I think
Gabe: is she even on that show anymore?
Kelly: No she isn’t
Gabe: because of what she KNEW
Gabe: they tried to silence her
Kelly: She couldn’t take it anymore and it was making her sick SICK
Kelly: Exactly
Gabe: well, that show probably is rigged
Gabe: that sounds about right
Gabe: whatever “rigged’ even means?
Gabe: what does rigged mean?
Gabe: like, under whose conception of the way the world works was the idea ever that Janice Dickinson’s opinion mattered?
Kelly: Other than mine you mean
Kelly: Yeah, I don’t know. They’re still being judged on who is the best “model,” I think?
Kelly: Of the bunch?
Gabe: like, someone still wins that show, right?
Gabe: there is a winner?
Gabe: and that person wasn’t really a model before the show started?
Kelly: There is a winner and I assume it’s not always the daughter of Mrs. Covergirl or an America’s already top model.
Kelly: Yes
Kelly: So “rigged” only in the sense that Janice Dickinson doesn’t get the 1/4th amount of input that the show leads you to believe

Kelly: AKA
Kelly: my entire life is ruined
Kelly: And I want to jump into a fire fueled by CoverGirl ads featuring past “winners”
Kelly: and die.
Kelly: OH BUT!
Kelly: I just thought of something, Gabe
Kelly: Are you there? Are you listening? I thought of something important.
Gabe: go ahead
Kelly: Ok so
Kelly: Season three
Kelly: Yaya, the woman who SHOULD HAVE WON
Kelly: Do you remember her
Gabe: uh
Gabe: i mean, look, i’m trying to ‘meet you on your level’ here
Kelly: Here let me jog your memory:
Gabe: ok, i believe you, you lunatic
Gabe: is that supposed to jog my memory
Gabe: of a contestant on a show i didn’t watch?
Gabe: because it WORKED
Kelly: Great so we’re on the same level now
Kelly: Ok so she came in “second place,” but since the entire thing was rigged we can basically say that she won

Kelly: correct
Kelly: ?
Gabe: what?
Kelly: That probably makes us feel a little better, right?
Gabe: you should get a grease pencil
Gabe: and write out the equation for what you just said
Gabe: on a window
Gabe: in the Harvard library
Gabe: because I’m sure you’re a genius, but to someone like me
Kelly: Yeah, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take off on you there and leave you in the dumbdumb lurch
Gabe: the show is rigged becuase the girl who came in second won?
Gabe: i don’t know
Gabe: look the important thing is
Kelly: What is it
Gabe: that show is great and my favorite show and this news sounds important and real and bring our troops home from Iraq and Janice Dickinson is a good woman and a real human being and should be treated with respect and taken seriously
Gabe: oh brother

Comments (39)
  1. Janice Dickinson would make a fun addition to the GOP primaries.

  2. She was JUST on 90210 last week!

  3. Weird that the company shelling out the $100,000 contract to whoever wins this thing would take some stake in who wins it.

    Weird that a show that makes people pose upside down in a pool of water on stilts while wearing nothing but fake eyelashes and elephant dung (or whatever) wouldn’t have the integrity to choose its own winner after systematically eliminating one contestant every few days over the course of a couple of months and coming up with a winner who is absolutely, beyond any shadow of a doubt, definitely the best candidate for becoming a Super Model.

  4. Can I just take a moment* to say how much I hate this show, and the whole modeling industry in general?

    The host/judges just sit there and spew entirely subjective nonsense at those poor girls. Smile withour eyes! Be fierce! Etc! They all have this extremely conformist view of what a model should be, like whether someone’s look is commercial or high fashion, and a whole shitload of other completely arbitrary distinctions made up and maintained by the tiny, tiny world that is fashion.

    As for modeling, the whole goddamn thing makes my skin crawl. A bunch of teens being pumped out for their looks, and held to impossible standards that end up driving them into drug addiction and eating disorders just to keep up. It’s destructive to the models and to the girls who aspire to be like them. God help me if I should ever have a daughter whose psyche gets caught up in that web of bullshit and self loathing.

    *apparently so

  5. In all honesty, the music video episode from this season (“All Stars” by the way) was easily the most painful hour of television I have ever seen.

  6. Couldn’t Janice Dickinson just arrest them?

  7. I can’t deny that I’ve watched every cycle of ANTM (some of them multiple times) and that I enjoy the show very much, but it is totally rigged.

  8. hey, janice? what isn’t?

  9. Can we go back to the Three Stooges trailer for a moment, because I’m kindof dieing. It’s not even like, hold my head in my hands and grin and say, “Oh, Hollywood, you fools, you’ve done it again.” It’s like holding my head in my hands and screaming till my thumbs penetrate my temples and I die.

  10. Uh, obviously the season 3 winner should have been TOCARRA

  11. OMG What is going on with Modelland?

    First of all, how did Tyra Banks manage to write a book starring Tookie de la Creme? Read some of the review of this on Hilarious.

    And that motion editorial? She criticized one of the girls for taking her weird vision and making it seem like a Saturday Night Live sketch by overacting. But then she had that terrible scene with Tyson and had all the girls whisper “I am Tookie.” SNL couldn’t be this funny if they tried.

  12. Oh, Janice. You have me at “Eat a bag of royal skank!?” Case rested.

  13. janice dickinson’s face is rigged.

    cause of, like, all the plastic surgery.

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