Kelly: Hello, Gabe
Gabe: hi kelly
Gabe: how are you?
Kelly: I’m doing well, considering. How are you?
Gabe: considering what?
Gabe: RED FLAG RED FLAG
Kelly: Well don’t tell me you haven’t heard the news.
Gabe: the news? you mean the three stooges trailer?
Kelly: Oh jesus don’t even get me started on the three stooges trailer
Kelly: While I’m trying to wrap my head around the REAL news
Kelly: That Janice Dickinson is claiming that America’s Next Top Model is RIGGED!
Gabe: WHUUUUUUUUUUT is America’s Next Top Model?
Gabe: I AM AN ADULT MAN, KELLY
Gabe: just kidding, love that show
Kelly: No doy EVERYONE LOVES IT
Kelly: That’s why this is so devastating
Gabe: not everyone
Gabe: not everyone, kelly
Kelly: Yes everyone, Gabe
Kelly: I have no idea why it is SO HARD
Kelly: To find an image of just the word “everyone” to link to
Gabe: well, so how does this make you FEEL?
Gabe: as a WOMYN?
Kelly: Well first I feel betrayed
Kelly: I’ve put a lot of time and trust into ANTM over the years
Gabe: how much trust?
Gabe: how much TRUST have you put into it?
Kelly: 40% of the total amount of trust I’m capable of
Gabe: that’s too much
Gabe: i feel like this is becoming more of a Kelly Problem
Gabe: than an ANTM Problem
Kelly: I never said I was perfect, Gabe, you asked me how I felt I thought you wanted to know the truth
Kelly: Turns out you’re just like every other MAN
Gabe: how do you feel?
Gabe: well, this is pretty serious news
Gabe: considering the many years that janice dickinson
Gabe: has spent
Gabe: proving to everyone that she is a reliable person
Gabe: with important things to do and say
Kelly: Hahah, I know. I don’t know what to believe anymore.
Kelly: Next thing you know it’s going to be revealed that she wasn’t even the world’s first super model or whatever
Gabe: why is she coming forward with this bombshell now?
Kelly: Because someone finally asked her to be on a talk show I think
Gabe: is she even on that show anymore?
Kelly: No she isn’t
Kelly: BECAUSE OF THIS!
Gabe: because of what she KNEW
Gabe: they tried to silence her
Kelly: She couldn’t take it anymore and it was making her sick SICK
Gabe: well, that show probably is rigged
Gabe: that sounds about right
Gabe: whatever “rigged’ even means?
Gabe: what does rigged mean?
Gabe: like, under whose conception of the way the world works was the idea ever that Janice Dickinson’s opinion mattered?
Kelly: Other than mine you mean
Kelly: Yeah, I don’t know. They’re still being judged on who is the best “model,” I think?
Kelly: Of the bunch?
Gabe: like, someone still wins that show, right?
Gabe: there is a winner?
Gabe: and that person wasn’t really a model before the show started?
Kelly: There is a winner and I assume it’s not always the daughter of Mrs. Covergirl or an America’s already top model.
Kelly: So “rigged” only in the sense that Janice Dickinson doesn’t get the 1/4th amount of input that the show leads you to believe
Kelly: my entire life is ruined
Kelly: And I want to jump into a fire fueled by CoverGirl ads featuring past “winners”
Kelly: and die.
Kelly: OH BUT!
Kelly: I just thought of something, Gabe
Kelly: Are you there? Are you listening? I thought of something important.
Gabe: go ahead
Kelly: Ok so
Kelly: Season three
Kelly: Yaya, the woman who SHOULD HAVE WON
Kelly: Do you remember her
Gabe: i mean, look, i’m trying to ‘meet you on your level’ here
Kelly: Here let me jog your memory:
Kelly: She was BEAUTIFUL AND SHE SHOULD HAVE WON
Gabe: ok, i believe you, you lunatic
Gabe: is that supposed to jog my memory
Gabe: of a contestant on a show i didn’t watch?
Gabe: because it WORKED
Kelly: Great so we’re on the same level now
Kelly: Ok so she came in “second place,” but since the entire thing was rigged we can basically say that she won
Kelly: That probably makes us feel a little better, right?
Gabe: you should get a grease pencil
Gabe: and write out the equation for what you just said
Gabe: on a window
Gabe: in the Harvard library
Gabe: because I’m sure you’re a genius, but to someone like me
Gabe: it’s like WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
Kelly: Yeah, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take off on you there and leave you in the dumbdumb lurch
Gabe: the show is rigged becuase the girl who came in second won?
Gabe: i don’t know
Gabe: look the important thing is
Kelly: What is it
Gabe: that show is great and my favorite show and this news sounds important and real and bring our troops home from Iraq and Janice Dickinson is a good woman and a real human being and should be treated with respect and taken seriously
Gabe: oh brother