I’m not sure if you’ve all been to church today already or what, but as some of you may know, today is St. Nicholas Day. I know that because St. Nicholas Day shares a birthday with someone who thinks her identity will be stolen if I wish her a Happy Birthday on the Internet. (Happy Birthday, OMM!) St. Nicholas Day is kind of like Christmas for Europeans, except something about shoes? They put trees in their shoes? They wake up and their shoes are FULL of coins? I don’t know but it’s something like Christmas, which is appropriate, because HERE IS A JESUS-RELATED GIFT! Merrrrrry Thismas. From Variety:

After helping bring Harry Potter and Kevin McCallister to life, Chris Columbus is looking to put another famous kid up on the big screen: Jesus Christ.

Columbus’ 1492 Pictures and CJ Entertainment have acquired the rights to the Anne Rice tome “Christ the Lord: Out of Egypt,” which tells the story of a seven-year-old Jesus, who departs Egypt with his family to return home to Nazareth and discovers the truth about his birth, who he is, and his purpose in life.

“So it’s like in Dexter when there’s a flashback?” That is what I desperately want to say to SOMEONE. Get Chris on the phone I have a joke for him. SOMEONE GET CHRIS ON THE PHONE! Anyway, yes, Young Jesus, finally putting the holy back in Hollywood. The reason for the summer movie season. Jesus Christ Baby Boy Superstar, etc. Clearly Young Jesus is in good hands with producer Christopher “Call Me Chris” Columbus LOLOL, who helped bring Harry Potter and Kevin McCallister to life, BUT WHO WILL THE CASTING DIRECTOR BE? I mean, WHO WILL PLAY BABY JESUS? 

Will it be…

JADEN SMITH? (YES)

RORY CULKIN?

A BABY IN A PRIEST COSTUME?

BOBB’E J. THOMPSON?

A BABY WITH LONG HAIR SOMEHOW?

VINCENT GALLO WALKING WITH SHOES ON HIS KNEES SO HE LOOKS MORE CHILDLIKE?

BIRDIE IN A CONTROVERSIAL DECISION TO MAKE JESUS A FEMALE?

BEANS FROM EVEN STEVENS BUT FROM NOW, WHEN HE’S AN ELF IN THE PHONE COMMERCIAL?

DONALD GLOVER? JUST HIM?

AN ADULT WITH THEIR HEAD IN A BABY JESUS BASSINET?


Ahhhh, so many good choices, I can’t pick just one just kidding Jaden Smith obviously!!! DID I MISS ANYONE? I’m almost positive that I didn’t miss anyone, but do let me know. This is the role of a lifetime and we want everyone to have their fair shot.

Comments (71)
  1. Sofia Vergara!

  2. Andy Serkis.

  3. Anyone, just as long as it’s any of the black actors Kelly mentioned. Why? Because I enjoy watching racists flip out and then insist it has nothing to do with race.

    • Like all the racists who are flipping out about the all-white Akira film?

      • Not the same at all. Jaden Smith’s skin tone is probably closer to Jesus’s than whatever white boy ends up being cast. Akira is another film in a long history of hollywood erasing characters of color and replacing them with white people.

        Obama is ethnically whiter than Jesus. But because society branches most ethnicities that aren’t Nubian or Asian under the ‘white’ umbrella the crazies will be able to semi-accurately say that Jesus needs to be played by a white (meaning : Caucasian, but read: Anglo-Saxon) person, not a no-name actor with middle eastern roots.

        • He shouldn’t be white, either. He should be Middle Eastern, even though he almost certainly won’t be. But it’s still racist to complain about the Akira film starring white people.

          • I haven’t been keeping up to date with news on the “AKIRA: Neo-Tokyo Is About To E•X•P•L•O•D•E!” adaptation, but depending on how they are adapting it, I can see a valid argument in the stance that they are white-washing the cast.

            It mostly has to do with setting. If the movie is set in the U.S. (‘Neo-York Is About To E•X•P•L•O•D•E!’) then the adaptation has the freedom to cast actors of any persuasion. We’re the ‘Melting Pot,’ after all. But if the story still takes place in Neo-Tokyo, JAPAN, then casting a white person in every role seems kind of fucked up. That feels like white-wash casting.

            GRANTED, it is ‘NEO-TOKYO’, and it is ‘THE FUTURE,’ So they could always say, “Yeah, in the future a bunch of white countries occupied Japan for SOME REASON, then AKIRA happened and everything E•X•P•L•O•D•E•D.” But that just seems like unnecessary exposition, and it’s beside the point.

            White actors won’t make AKIRA a terrible movie. Ethnicity won’t factor into that. But if the setting is still Japan then it just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.

          • Most Middle Eastern ethnicities fall under the branches of the Caucasian race. One of those ‘a square is a shape, but a shape isn’t always a square’ things.

            And I strongly disagree with the Akira film. They are not saying they don’t want white people in a movie, they are pointing out that the movie is yet another example of white washing in Hollywood.

            I feel like calling these people racist for wanting an actor who matches the source material would be like if it would be racist to say the KKK has too many white people in it.

          • So what you’re saying is that not all people who have something to say about the AKIRA casting calls are racist, but all racists will have something to say about the AKIRA casting calls.

          • But what about updates of old material with different races? It would have been racist to complain about the Honeymooners movie with Cedric The Entertainer, yes?

          • It would be racist if the complaint was “I hate that they’ve made an all black version of the Honeymooners because I hate black people and I don’t like that they tookerjerbs.”

            Any complaint of “I hate that they are changing a thing” isn’t racist, it’s changist. People be hatin’ on change. Sometimes it’s absolutely warranted, as often times the change is needless, as the market is trying to target certain demographics where they think the property can make the most money, and they change the material to suit the market. People hate being manipulated, and are wary of anything that feels like a cheap ploy. A lot of times that crosses over into ethnically diverse remakes of films, as it may nhot be intended for the original audience or for people who just recognize the new thing as different from the orginal and are therefore prejudiced against it simply because it’s not what it was originally.

            In the case of The Honeymooners, they just made a culturally black version. The Wiz is another example of this. They’re adaptations. The new Honeymooner characters fit in seamlessly with the reality in which they are represented (I would hope, as I have not seen it). The Wiz is awesome. The Wizard of Oz is awesome.

            That’s why in the case of AKIRA, if it’s an all white cast with names like Kaneda and Tetsuo running around Neo-Tokyo, it feels weird and cheap and white-washy and target-demographic-y. If it’s an all white cast with names like Rick and Jim running around Neo-York, then it becomes clear this is an adaptation, and race should no longer be an issue.

          • Oooh, I misspoke! Nothing but white people in New York is not realistic AT ALL.
            I just meant a place where there is a higher percentage of whites living among the population. Also, by “all *insert-ethnicity-here* cast” I mainly mean the lead and supporting actors.

          • It is a really tricky conversation, because then you have reverse-white washing with Idris Elba in Thor. I can’t call complaints about his casting racist without being inconsistent here.

            But I guess it’s kind of like people who bash gays and then say they are victims of religious persecution when someone calls out their bigotry? It’s not racist to point out the racism at work in the Hollywood machine? I don’t know.

          • It’s absolutely tricky. At times I’m like, “I like James Bond white, because he’s a white British officer from the Cold War and that’s just who he is. Racial identity is a thing, and James Bond not being white would be really weird.”

            Then I’m like, “Donald Glover should totally be Spider-Man. Anyone can be Spider-Man under that mask, Peter Parker is an interchangeable every-man.”

            Idris in Thor was interesting, because you have the Norse mythology angle of things which is a series of white gods created by Scandinavians, also white. but this is Marvel Norse mythology, where they are really an alien race that visited Earth back then, freaking everybody out with their super-science teleporters and shit. So who’s to say a supporting Asgardian alien character can’t have different ethnicities? They’re not from Earth, and the mythology we have as a basis for a comparison in the real world and the reality of the film was written by the Scandinavians long enough ago to where people now refer to it as mythology rather than religion, and they probably white-washed their mythology, much like the whole Jesus thing.

            Granted, the casting still felt a little Hollywood-diversity-for-the-sake-of-it, but the execution was fine, Idris Elba is the fucking MAN, he did well in the role, and the Asian actor that played one of the Warriors 3 was also cool, and they even got to include a funny line about them looking like Errol Flynn, Xena and Jackie Chan.

            People who were pissed about Idris as Heimdall were either racist or are just REALLY REALLY DIE-HARD fans of the comic’s Heimdall, and feel the same way about him as I do about James Bond, and that just boils down to personal preferences and a conversation.

        • Man, this is serious over here. I just think it’s funny that there are people who get upset at the thought of a non-white Jesus.

          • The film Saved was pretty hit-and-miss, but the best part was when Macauley Culkin questions the choice to make Jesus white in the mural the school is painting.

      • I’m still praying (?) that it goes into development hell.

        • What, the Jesus movie? I think praying that the Jesus movie doesn’t get made is like teaching the War Games computer to play tic-tac-toe.

          • I meant the Akira Hollywood adaptation/bastardization (probably).

            But that is a pretty great analogy, so I’ll pray that the Jesus movie doesn’t get made, too.

  4. I think we can all agree on the man from Ong-Bak.

  5. I just noticed that Rory Culkin looks a lot like Chet Haze, so let’s just go straight to the source. He’ll be able to relate to the role very well, I think: they both have really famous dads.

  6. I bet this is making Jesus roll over in his…

    …wait. Nope.

  7. I like how the article implies that Kevin McAllister was famous before Home Alone was a movie.

  8. What’s Chris Brown’s schedule looking like these days?

  9. They can go it “I’m Not There” style and use an ‘Immaculate Collection’ of actors… I’ll see myself out.

  10. James Franco, in drag.

  11. Beeeans. I completely forgot about him! Which makes me wonder why Christy Carlson-Romano never got her due. Damn you, Shia!

  12. Actually us Europeans get candies/sweets in our shoes, not coins, and only if we’ve been good. And I’ve been very good, judging by the delicious Lindt chocolate I am eating out of my shoe right now.

  13. Waaait. WAAAAAAAAAAAIT. Is that Kelly in the Donald Glover picture?

  14. I vote Meryl Streep

  15. Tim Tebow.

  16. “This is my father’s house, I have to defend it.”
    #JesusMcCallister

  17. adult with their head in a basket!!!

  18. Paz De La Huerta

  19. Oh man. Donald Glover and Gabe in the SAME PICTURE?!?!?!?! I think my ladybits just over-heated and then imploded from hotness. (gross) (sorry) (but still, SWOON)

  20. I don’t care which kid plays him, as long as they get the beard looking realistic.

  21. Andy Milonakis

  22. “which tells the story of a seven-year-old Jesus”

    “That’s going to be some movie. I always found those years to be the hardest of any I have experienced”–Charlize Theron

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