Grab your tinfoil hats! Grab your alien emergency kit that you packed and left by the door just in case this kind of scenario ever happened, not that you’re someone who lives their life based on fear but just because you’re rational and understand that sometimes bad things DO happen and you like to be prepared! Grab anything that you may have purchased since you packed that bag, especially any kind of clothing that you like, and try to shove that in the bag! Then grab your top 50 albums of 2011 except maybe leave Watch the Throne in the garbage because if we reward people for giving us the very least of their abilities then they may never try hard again, and GET OUT OF TOWN!!!!!!!!!!

I know this is tough to hear, as we’ve had a rash of alien activity lately leaving us all on edge, but it is being reported by this YouTube account that strange UFOs were recently seen flying over Russia. From the YouTube description:

Two comet like UFOs blazed a trail over the skies of Adygeysk, Russia, November 2011. Objects obviously under intelligent control, only question is, what are they?

Uh, I don’t know YouTube account, just guessing here, I may be totally off base and I don’t want to put words in any extraterrestrial mouth-like speaking structures, but, uh, MAYBE THEY’RE ALIENS? Ever heard of them? Here, maybe this’ll jog your memory: THEY’RE CURRENTLY TAKING OVER THE PLANET. And they often look like remote controlled fireworks. YOU BE THE JUDGE!

[Ed. Note: Kelly couldn't be here to close the post because, due to the imminent danger showcased in the above footage, she has left town with her emergency kit and all of her favorite albums of the past year. Where will she go? She wouldn't say. She left us with only one clue, that she was headed "someplace beyond the stars." Will she fly a spaceship to space? Did she take her eternal nap? Is she actually just in a tunnel below Grauman's Chinese Theatre, and what she said was a fun riddle? That is not for us to know. Oh but she also wanted to add this: "I'll see you all in hell, especially Jay Z and Kanye West, not because I don't like them but because I DO." She will be missed!] (Via UniqueDaily.)

Comments (29)
  1. Remember guys, while the aliens may have the technology to mimic our physical features, they won’t be able to conceal their hostile alien intentions. So be on the lookout for anybody who only seems to be human upon first inspection…

  2. Man, those aliens are going gorillas!

  3. I think this is scary.

  4. Alien HQ –

    “We’ve been coming to this shithole planet since 1947, but there still seem to be a lot of people who doubt our existence. Maybe it’s time we just make contact with their governments.”

    “I guess, but there’s something I’d like to try first. Let’s rig our ships so that fire shoots out the back.”

    • [Int. Garage - ALIENS looks over vehicles stored there]

      ALIEN 1: Hmm, which Flying Object should I take today? I know I want it to be Unidentified, but do I want it to be a saucer, orb, or comet shape? Do I want it to hover eerily in the night or streak across a blue sky? How enhanceable do I want it to be?

      ALIEN 2: Oh, just fucking pick one already. I have to pick the kids up from space-soccer practice.

      • ALIEN 1: Hey, the black human and the jew human are in a ship on their way over here to the mothership.

        ALIEN 2: Look, I hate to be all ‘I told you so’ here, but…well I dunno, maybe we should hide the fact that our computers have USB connectivity and why did we install Windows 95 and could we not, before coming to earth, have maybe just considered investing in an Anti-virus, I mean, they aren’t that expensive really, when you consider

        ALIEN 1: Shut UP uxbrk. Look we’re fucked anyways, Let’s just blow up the ship as soon as they’re at a safe distance.

        ALIEN 2: Maybe we could just blow up now and take them with us?

        ALIEN 1: uxbrrrrrrrrrRRRRK!

    • Yeah, right. Like the aliens would use our Earth Year system to measure their own time. 1947? More like 56946 Alpha-Cycles. This is bullshit. *pushes glasses up on nose*

  5. “they made it to Russia??!?! I think we can safely say this is a qualified success!” – Ali Al-Assaq Iranian rocket scientist

  6. Welp. They finally fired Kelly. I’ll miss you, Kelly!

  7. Noooo! Don’t leave us, Kelly! Why must you go where we cannot follow?

  8. I wish so much that the Alien space craft would have written “Will You Marry Me?” in the sky, and then taken our planet with them to their home in the stars where we could live in humble elegance finally knowing true love and companionship. Because the Earth just seems really lonely and desperate, and I worry sometimes. I worry.

  9. At least the’re doing cool loopdy-loop tricks. They must be fun.

  10. The Darkest Hour viral marketing obviously.

  11. I definitely read too many John LeCarre novels, but WHAT IF Gabe murdered Kelly because she was going to spill the beans about the micro-fiche and this is his way to keep us from looking for the body??!!

    Also, I definitely watch too much X Files, but WHAT IF the micro-fiche contained photos of the Aliens??!!


    • Unfortunately, if fiction follows the course of Truth according to the X-Files, the conductor of the conspiracy will be a mildly disappointed looking doughnut gazing into the middle distance without much to say.

      But I do like me some John le Carre. They’re making a movie of Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy. There’s no way it’ll live up to the book but I’m still psyched to see it.

  12. Explains why I saw a few copies of ‘Watch the Throne’ in the garbage today

  13. I looked up Adygeysk, Russia on a map and it’s not THAT far from Chernobyl. Case SOLVED.

  14. OMGEE! WAAAH! I should mention as we flee the planet that my moon bunker only has room for three and the price for the remaining room is currently at $3,000… I don’t want to be gauche but add some more zeroes to that figure. You can find it on ebay under moonbunkeraliensarekillersdontbelievethelieswaaah.

  15. Aliens Uranus! looks like the new Lada Fighter Jet to me!

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