According to Gawker, this is an email that went out to ALLSTUDENTS@northwestern.theaterclass.edu.biz at 4AM this morning:

What Up Everybody,

My names Chester Hanks, I’m a junior theater major, but some of you may know me better as “Chet Haze.” Or maybe you dont, which would be embarrassing for me…..Anyway, if the sound of receiving this email on your phone woke you up at this hour, I sincerely apologize. Hopefully, there may be a few of you (like me) who for some reason just need to wait until literally the LAST MINUTE to get any work done—this final paper being no exception. I was wondering if anyone had notes from after November 1st to the end of the course on their computer that they would be willing to send my way. It would be much appreciated, and we could possibly work something out as a reward for the generosity. I’m really crossing my fingers on this one. Thanks! Happy studies.

-Chet

Apparently the paper is due THIS AFTERNOON! Asking for an entire month’s worth of notes does sort of make one wonder where Chet Haze has been for the past month if not in class, but don’t hate the student, son, hate the school. One might also question the logic of his strategy in appealing to other procrastinators, since it is clearly the responsible, non-procrastinators whose help he actually needs, and they might not be sympathetic to his casual, almost boastful admission of laziness, unpreparedness, and overall irresponsibility. But if one did question the logic of his strategy, one would be such a nerd, and one would not be invited to pledge this year. Anyway, if you have ANY notes from November 1st onward, help a hazer out. You could possibly, no promises, get a reward for your generosity. #GETSMARTZED!

Comments (56)
  1. Ugh if an email from this guy woke me up at 4 AM, I’d be forced to stab his pee hole with a ski pole.

  2. Don’t worry, guys, James Franco’s got this one covered.

    • “It’s a concept of notes. I took the basic structure of notes, deconstructed them to their purest form and recreated them as an essence.”
      “This is blank air, son.”
      “And it will cost you $7,980.”

  3. I was a lazy college student to be sure, but if you aren’t regularly showing up for classes in your major, you are truly the laziest of shits.

  4. They got mail.

  5. it’s gunna be super embarassing, since the class is TH234: The Films of Tom Hanks

  6. Streets be procrastinating

  7. I’m in Chet’s class. It’s actually an American History paper. I didn’t take notes either. Kind of wish I did so I could see how he’d reward me.

    • Dude! Tell him you did! It doesn’t matter if you did or not, you have an entire network of monsters here, we can collaborate and write that paper for him! GET ON THIS!

    • Make stuff up. Just write down a bunch of BS and give it to him. Please. I will help you.

      • Yes. Let’s do this instead. This idea is even better than my idea. I guess I can go ahead and scrap this paper I started on the hair style choices of Martin Van Buren.

        • I was going with comparing immigration policies of Mexican-Americans to those forced upon of the Irish from 1840 to 1917. And heavy with quotes from Teddy Roosevelt that sound straight out of a GOP debate in regards to babies, work ethic and mandatory cultural needs for assimilation.

          Fuck it, I will write that paper for myself as an adult. Knowledge is power, Chet Haze. You just got jeansed. Badideajeansed.

        • No, I need that for my PhD thesis.

        • NO. We will use it too. Everything needs to be used. This is an entire semester’s worth of material we need to provide to Chester!

    • Find out what the reward or thing is that Chet Haze would “work out” with you.

      Is it the tape he dropped?
      Autographed Sigma Chi shirt? (Is that his frat? Is that a frat? Why do I know these things???)
      Season of Busom Buddies? (I will write the paper for this.)
      Orange County?

      I seriously need to know what he’ll “work out.”

    • Outline for American History paper:

      I. Elvis learned to dance from a young man with polio living in the Jim Crow South
      II. America becomes embroiled in an endless war in Vietnam
      III. Ping pong is popularized and offers a cultural bridge to China
      IV. Hippies experiment with illicit drugs and wear sheepy coats
      V. Apple computers are invented
      VI. AIDS

      • Err, sorry to be all Professor Gump here, but polio isn’t something you’re born with, as Forrest was. Although this DOES make me want to watch a movie about the adventures of young Franklin D Roosevelt teaching Elvis how to dance.

        • You’re absolutely right. I got my Ph.D. in Gump studies from the University of Phoenix. Hopefully Chet will catch that in the final edit.

  8. “Chet, what are you doing in my Study?”
    “Nothing dad!”


    “Okay Zoltan now keep it down. I gotta have notes, or I’m gonna frown.
    November first, to the end’s what I need, and the sooner the better so I can smokes mah weed!”

  9. Rosencrantz, Guildenstern and Hanks Are Dead.

  10. Never change, Chet, never change.

  11. If this guy doesn’t write notes in class, then I’m starting to get the idea that he doesn’t take the time to plan out and write his rhymes.

  12. Why does Eminem’s understudy need notes for an American History class?

  13. How can he email blast the whole school and admit to such things and not get kicked out? I hope the kid who didn’t get into this school so Chet could hunts him down for sport.

    • He’s not doing anything ethically wrong though, right? He’s looking for someone with notes from class from which, if he is ethical, he will work off of to write his own paper from scratch based on the information he has and in his own words.

      He’s only admitted that he sucks at being a student, not that he’s looking to cheat (unless there are rules in place such as ‘one must work off of one’s own class notes’ and he is knowingly breaking said rules).

      • You’re totally correct. I (sadly) looked further into this and ascertained that he only sent it to people in his class or the general class listserv, which is decidedly less awful.

        But isn’t that why you have friends in your class that have the same level of slacker aptitude? So you can send emails like this and NOT get busted? Plus, at least in my general understanding of paper writing, profs usually want more points than what was discussed in class… But what do I know? I’m no scholarly son of Tom Hanks.

  14. Wait. So he didn’t even line up some sappy, crazy, misguided girl to do his work for him this semester? C’mon, Chet Haze. Even the volleyball team captain has that lined up.

  15. I will never understand him sticking with “Chet” but dropping his famous last name.

      • Uh, Estevez is his family’s name. Martin Sheen’s real name is Ramon Antonio Estevez, and Charlie’s is Carlos Irwin Estevez. Emilio didn’t change his name to a less famous one, he never changed it to his dad’s stage name in the first place.

        • And I apologize for starting that comment with ‘Uh.’ I’ve been doing that on occasion lately and it’s been getting on my nerves. No one should ever start a comment with ‘Uh,’ or ‘Yeah.’ I am ashamed.

          • Darnit you’re right.

            I always regret starting with “yeah.” Consider trying this on for size – start all your comments with “Okay Chump, Lets get Down to Brass Taxes.” Include all unnecessary punctuation spelling errors and incorrect colloquialism, every time. Guaranteed positive responses! let’s see how the above looks:

            Okay Chump Lets get down to Brass Taxes, Estevez is his family’s name. Martin Sheen’s real name is Ramon Antonio Estevez, and Charlie’s is Carlos Irwin Estevez. Emilio didn’t change his name to a less famous one, he never changed it to his dad’s stage name in the first place.

            Yup, it’s better!

          • Okay Chump Lets get down to Brass Taxes, I think you’re really on to something here!

          • It’s “tacks”

  16. I have a friend who TAs in Northwestern’s theater department, hopefully she can help, he can pass, and I can rest easy.

  17. I’ve been single too long – that picture makes it look like #gettinghazed wouldn’t be too bad.

  18. Well I just hope that Tom Haze doesn’t find out what a dumbass his son is.

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