Is Michele Bachmann still a thing? I haven’t been keeping up with the email newsletter so I’m not actually sure if she’s a thing still. In any case, at a recent Michele Bachmann town hall meeting (which kind of seems like an insult to the term “town hall meetings” to even call it that, but OK) at the Waverly Pizza Ranch (which OK, now THAT is a good name for a restaurant because a ranch for pizza? Where pizzas are allowed to roam free across the open plains? As pizzas should? Good name), she opened the floor to questions, so she does at least understand what a town hall meeting is, at which point some local high school students from the LGBT community confronted her on her gay rights positions. (And then also on prayer in school, but that’s less EXCITING.) Good for them! Most people in high school are way too busy checking and rechecking the value of their Beanie Babies in the bi-annual Collector’s Price Guide to bother engaging face-to-face with a politician running for President of the United States. (I understand what kids are into.) The problem, of course, with confronting Michele Bachmann head-on for her aggressively bigoted political views is that then you just have to sit there and listen to the shit that comes out of her mouth.

Oh brother. Where to even begin? Arguing that gay people have the same rights as everyone else is obviously insane, but to use as an example the fact that they are allowed to marry people of the opposite sex just like everyone else is straight up comical. The only reason that child doesn’t laugh in Michele Bachmann’s face, I’m assuming, is because she’s so disgusted by Bachmann’s condescending nursery rhyme tone. Yuck. You can’t use that tone while simultaneously spouting off such logically fallacious and morally bankrupt garbage. Also, her fundamental argument, that we are all equal citizens under the law and that we all enjoy the same laws and that there shouldn’t be special laws for people just because they aren’t heteronormative (my word, not hers, obviously) white people is just, I mean, good God, woman. Why even bother saying things like that? Why not just say that you hate fags, which you do? The people in this nightmare room (excuse me, nightmare Pizza Ranch) would probably still applaud you.

Which, yikes, guys? With the applause? It totally makes sense that you are there because you support Michele Bachmann, and that is one of your equal rights that we ALL enjoy, but maybe hold your applause while she blindly loses an argument with a 16-year-old. Then, of course, there’s the part where Michele Bachmann says that muslim students are allowed to pray in public schools while Christian students are not. Haha. BANG YOUR GAVEL! REST YOUR CASE, QUICK! I’m not even going to bother looking that up on Snopes because I know it’s a racist lie. Not that it’s a surprise coming from her. The only surprise is that she didn’t bring up the War on Christmas as the primary military strategy of a Bachmann presidency.

I know that criticizing Michele Bachmann for her political views, much less her off-the-cuff views as expressed in a town hall meeting at the Waverly Pizza Ranch, is like shooting fish in a barrel. But yooooo, THAT FISH IS FUCKING RACIST AND HOMOPHOBIC AS HELL! (Thanks for the tip, Kate.)

Comments (76)
  1. How is it racist to say that Muslims can pray in school and Christians can’t? I mean, it’s WRONG, obviously, but there are practicing Muslims and Christians of all different races.

    • Haha, Muslins of diffrint races? Now who’s being a racist?

    • While you do have a sensible point, I think it’s pretty obvious that Michele Bachmann definitely meant that shit as racism.

    • You can save your questions for the town hall at Waverly Taco Ranch.

    • Racism is EVIL!!!!

    • I think he probably meant bigoted in a more general sense but racist is a good short-hand. Like, some people say “racist” when people are being anti-semitic, even though the jewish people are a race, they’re also composed of many races. So, anti-Islamic is usually pretty much the same as being anti-Arab, which would be racist.

    • Facetaco, for fuck’s sake. You know perfectly well that fear of Islam is inextricably linked to fear of Strange Brown People. And Michelle Bachmann knows perfectly well that she’s playing into those fears when flat out lying about the Strange Brown People being given more rights than the Normal White Folk.

      You’re a good one, but there’s no way I believe that you believe that Islamophobia isn’t directly tied to racial fears.

      • I don’t accept that as true across the board, no. I don’t think that hatred of people with a different belief system is always a byproduct of hatred of people with a different skin color. Sometimes it is, yes. But I’m not going to jump to the conclusion that just because a person is ONE sort of terrible, that they’re also automatically ANOTHER sort of terrible.

        Of course, ultimately, it doesn’t matter, she is still awful.

        • facetaco has a point. remember the johnny walker guy, the american taliban dude? he was white.

          who was the domestic dirty bomb accused due? wasnt he latino?

    • It’s not that that statement is in and of itself racist, it’s that that statement reveals the underlying racism she has towards people from the middle east.

  2. “Scientific studies have shown that the HPV vaccine gives you the Gay.” – Michelle Bachmann, very soon

    Also:

  3. She also went on the record saying that, if she is president, she would close the US Embassy in Iran.

    Guys, I have said this before, but I literally, LITERALLY, am less than a mile from her district. I have never loved a mile more in my life. Also, as mentioned before, on behalf of Minnesota, I’m sorry. We really never thought she’d get this much attention. It’s like at the holidays, when your cousin gets drunk and runs around the neighborhood naked.

  4. I think you mean Mrs VAMPIRE Bachman

  5. Nothing protects the sanctity of marriage like marrying someone you are not in love with and living your life as a lie so that you can excercise your right to marriage like everyother American.

  6. I’m a lawyer, and I’ll be the first one to tell you that there are a lot of stupid and slimy lawyers in the world. It takes a lot to say that you are an embarrassment to this profession. But I don’t think I’ve ever met one with as poor an understanding of the Constitution and the basic concept of “rights” as Michele Bachmann. You, Madame Congresswoman, are an embarrassment.

    • I will never understand the “special rights” argument. Even if you use Bachmann’s own twisted nightmare logic same sex marriage is not a special right. Heterosexual people are free to marry people of the same sex if gay marriage is legal, so how are they special rights?

      • Exactly. Making gay marriage legal wouldn’t create any special rights at all. What it would do is broaden the definition of marriage from “between a man and a woman” to “between two consenting adults”.

        Aside from that, the principal behind cases like Loving v. Virginia (in which the Supreme Court struck down bans on interracial marriage) is that marriage is a fundamental right. If it’s a fundamental right, then the government can only place restrictions that are narrowly tailored and serve a strong governmental interest. The burden to demonstrate the need for the restriction is on the government, and there’s really no way for the government to meet the burden in this discussion.

        What I’m saying is that I believe it’s actually straight up unconstitutional to deny gay people the right to marry one another, and there are a ton of constitutional scholars who would make the same (but more eloquently stated) argument.

  7. I’m FROM that part of the state! I’ve BEEN to that Pizza Ranch (there are a few dozen of them in the Midwest – awesome buffet). Make no mistake, it is most definitely a ranch where pizzas are raised, grazed and eventually City Slickered into your mouth.

  8. We all agree that Michelle Bachmann is awful, yes? Let’s focus on more positive things!

    Monster Rara needs to be kickstarted and also makes cards: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/307967404/mimosa-cards-cute-simple

    ALSO

    I am going to dinner tonight at a place that serves meat lollipops with Dr. Pepper BBQ sauce. I just really feel like everybody should know about this.

  9. a few years ago, ralph reed (anyone remember him? he was like karl rove’s little karl rove- the guy who actually brought the conservative christians into the republican party. he came from georgia, and got badly tainted in the abramoff scandal) ANYHOO a few years ago he made a point about political organizing and basebuilding- he said that he would rather have “would rather have a thousand school board members than one president and no school board members. I’d rather have people affecting lives at the local level and changing America one neighborhood and one city and one state at a time than trying to make one person and one office the full repository of all of our hopes and aspirations for a better America.” and that’s where michele came from. and i’m pretty hopeful these days that the resonance machine built in the early 90s is creaking to a close and that this might be the last political cycle in which we run up against this ideology, but it takes such a long and terrible time for willful ignorance to stop wanting to push itself into everyone’s faces. also, as a sidenote, anyone who genuinely believes that getting prayer back in school is going to magically fix this country is too pathetic and scared to even argue with.

    • There is something about Karl Rove having a Karl Rove, who probably has his own Karl Rove (like nesting dolls of evil) that will make me never sleep again. And also to check the house for goblins before I go to sleep.

    • Something about the idea of a little Karl Rove combined with the phrase “badly tainted in the abramoff scandal” sounds dirty.

    • Gosh I hope you’re right it all creaks to a close. I fear it’s still got a lot of kick, though. Whenever I talk politics with my dad and uncles — all “independents” (who never saw a Republican they didn’t vote for) — I get the sense that here are a lot of bright, educated people who mainly want to hear that all the unmanageable complexity of the world is about to go away. This might be something at the genome level.

      Imagine a politician saying, “The Constitution protects our right to be not just a little different from each other but to lead wildly divergent lives, so America will always be full of people acting in ways that seem alien to you. And so what? It’s a beautiful chaos. Let’s just be good to each other.” No politician ever says “beautiful chaos,” though; its appeal is near zero. They all give out some variety of “I love a parade! But only orderly parades.”

  10. excuse me for being repetitive, but –

  11. “Get along little dough-gie.” -Pizza Rancher

    • Dang Jeb, how has my mom never made that joke? She was made for that joke. And there we were, spending my childhood at the Ranch. I still miss the pizza (it’s not that good).

  12. Wait – is that a Hammer and Sickle?!? What Kinda Pizza Ranching are you into, Michelle Brackmann?

  13. The worst part of the video is you can hear someone behind the camera say “That’s a good answer. Good answer,” after Bachmann’s fuckin’ terrible answer.

  14. “Gay people can’t marry each other because it’s the law. Sorry guys. I really wish there was something I could do as President. You know, with regard to what the laws are.
    Also, whoops, I think we’re in Iowa.”

  15. Toward the end Gabe says the war on christmas would be her strategy. I think he meant to write priority rather than strategy.

  16. What I love most about watching to the end of this nightmare campaign clip is how she simultaneously describes separation of church and state to government censorship WHILE quoting two out of three provisions of the first amendment.

  17. I happy that a tip of mine was used, but more-so all kinds of sad that this clip even exists.

  18. If only Hawkeye (the superhero) was there to shoot her in the fucking face with an arrow. He’s also from Waverly, Iowa.

    • Would it be a plunger-tipped arrow? Would it make the boi-oi-oiiiinnnng sound? And then would a sign unfurl from it reading “My other idea is also delusional”? Then I could support this shooting.

      • Yeah, I’m not condoning murder. So, that idea would work or maybe one with a cream pie at the tip? I’m not sure how the physics behind that would work, but maybe?

  19. I was talking to my aunt yesterday and she brought up a theory that with all these honestly insane people constantly being awful all the time… Jeb Bush is going to show up at the last minute and get the nomination. Words hurt, aunt of mine. Words hurt.

    If she’s right, I’m out. Fuck it. I’m so sick of these assholes and the people who vote for them that I am 100 percent giving up. I’m taking my dog and my laptop and I’m out. I should start my American women seeking Canadian men dating site right now.

  20. Isn’t only school-led prayer illegal? Kids can pray all they want to in the middle of their vocab quiz; no one can stop that. And speaking as a person that went to high school in a highly religious community, NO ONE is preventing Christian students and/or teachers from ramming their beliefs down other people’s throats, so her whole spiel about prayer in school is highly unsettling to me.

    Also also also, I hate that she tries to sneak “When we had prayer in schools, we didn’t have all the problems that we have in the school systems today.” Could it possibly be that schools were better funded or better managed in previous generations? Or were all those prayers leading to new schools being built and teachers earning a living wage back in the good old days?

  21. Many Muslims believe that it is part of their religious duty to pray five times a day at specific intervals. Prayer is often ritualistic, and involves specific movements (such as prostration) and facing Mecca. Many schools will allow Muslims to perform these prayers at the specified times, but Bachmann completely misses the point. These are personal prayers, performed independently of the school and at the student’s discretion. The school does not broadcast these prayers over the intercom, nor does it participate in or promote Islam. Christian students have the same right to independent prayer. It is true, perhaps, that a Christian is not granted “special prayer time,” but this is a false argument, because prayer is structured differently in Christianity (especially if we’re talking about Protestants). Prayer is more personalized and less structured, and it is never “required” in the same sense. If Christians suddenly believed that they had to pray at noon every day, and that this prayer was an integral part of their faith, then Bachmann might have a point. But they don’t, and she doesn’t.

    • I only seem to comment when I’m upset, and when I’m upset, I talk a lot, so let me save you some time and say tl;dr, next, blah blah etc. WRITING THIS WAS THERAPEUTIC DAMN IT

    • And you bet your ass that if Christians had to pray at noon everyday that that WOULD HAPPEN hell or high water (heh – ban that colloquialism! It’s pro religion or something) because ugh this country and its way of being.

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