Oh ladies, screw your heads back on! They’re falling off! From TMZ:

TMZ has learned, lady Twihards are invading bridal boutiques, secretly lying about being engaged … so they can try on a replica of Bella’s wedding dress from the new flick.

The $799 replica is being sold in Alfred Angelo bridal boutiques everywhere — and people who work at the chain tell us the scheming fans are driving them crazy, making it extremely difficult to conduct business.

Oh man, you have no idea how badly I wish I could hear some of these fake engagement stories. Because you know that Twilight fans with their sex-as-death-metaphor-based desires and their ice cold dildos are not just bold as brass walking into these stores saying, “I’m engaged so you have to let me try on the dress no questions asked.” They definitely have elaborate back stories worked out ahead of time, and an extra MCR t-shirt in their Bad Batz Maru mini-backpack to wipe up all the flop sweat. “Gregory and I met last summer when we were both working at Cold Stone Creamery. He’s 100 years older than me hahahaha just kidding, I wish, he’s only six years older than me, but my parents still disapprove. Well, too bad, moommmmm. I bet she’ll come around when she sees me in my dress. So I’m just going to casually browse and–oh my, what is this dress I’ve never seen before?! This is gorgeous! Who designed this? For the what movie? Really?! I’ve heard of it but I’m more into serious literature, like John Grisham. Do you think it would be cool if I tried it on every day for the next 10 years? Leave me alone with the dress now, please.” Why aren’t these cashiers writing this stuff down? Write this stuff down, cashiers! And email it to me at notbeingweird@justcurious.com.

Comments (53)
  1. Are we sure they’re twihards? They could just be Muriel’s Wedding enthusiasts caught in the Twilight crossfire.

  2. They learned it from their boyfriends, who have been faking interest in Twilight in order to sleep with the ladies.

  3. At least guys aren’t trying to replicate the placenta eating scene.

    (And I only know about that scene because of what I read on the internets!)

  4. Gregory and I met last summer when we were both working at Cold Stone Creamery. He’s 100 years older than me and thinks the same as me we met at Agem’ingle.com

  5. Serious question: I am reading Harry Potter. Partly to meet girls (the other part because it turns out it is awesome). But I am almost through the final book. Soooooo, should I read Twilight really conspicuously in coffee shops? Will that work?

    My barber suggested Pride and Prejudice.

    • I would say ‘no’, but I am a judgmental asshole. So if you want to scare away judgmental assholes, by all means! Do it twice.

      • Lilbobbytables are you one of those strange adults who likes to mostly read adult books? Instead of books for teenagers? I thought they had all died out long ago.

        Also, Aunt Martha I am slightly worried by the reading of a children’s book to attract ‘girls’. Hoping you are like 14 or something.

        PS. Yes, I am a total book snob, weary of seeing Hunger Games stuff on all the book tumblrs instead of complex, awesome, heart-rendering books with adult themes by contemporary writers. Get off my library!

    • Pride and Prejudice is too obvious. If you want to stay in the Austen wheelhouse, try Persuasion. I prefer it, and you’ll look more legit.
      At the risk of attracting girls with issues, you could also go for Wuthering Heights. Or just any non-bro-ey fiction could do it! Girls like boys with books!

    • skip the nightmare ladies you’ll meet by reading any femme-penned 19th century literature and go straight to margaret atwood, doris lessing, or alice munro. if you want to keep in the sci fi fantasy realm and go a little more adult with it, employ ursula k. leguin.

      • Southern Bitch, I think I love you.

        • To defend my lady attracting gambits, you know how many women between the ages of 23-35 love Harry Potter? I am going to go out on a limb and guess all of them. And to defend my reading habits, I would feel a lot guiltier about this if the books weren’t awesome.

          I also swear I am not a creep. It’s just fun to be reading The Deathly Hallows on a place and have the flight attendant stop for 10 minutes to discuss whether Hogwarts is a public or private school. (Public.)

          • The limb is always a bendy one when one generalises… I’m in that age group, and I read one page (at 18 or so) and just thought, man, too bad I’m too old for this. Like I said, total snob. But I always wanted to read what adults did. Tried taking out Dracula from the library when I was 9, but the mean old librarian wouldn’t let me.

            Was also making a joke about your use of the word ‘girls’ to describe women. I’m sort of in a sour mood today. I made myself shortbread, so I am less crabby.

            I recognise I’m in the minority with the disregarding of the Harry Potter books, so if you find them awesome, and find awesome ladies through them, don’t let my bitterness at being on the periphery get to you.

          • Harry Potter is wonderful. You should do a field study on this and report back to us. Who approaches you when you read the Hunger Games? What about the Gossip Girl series? The Babysitter’s Club? Then step it up to classic Womyn’s Lit and see what happens. Who’s hotter? Who actually wants to talk about the book and who uses it as a jumping point to flirt? My guess is Womyn’s lit would get more self-actualized sexually adventurist feminists. (*ahem, sluts*)

            This being said, I read more young adult fiction as a grown woman than I did as a young adult. I was all about Brave New World, The Handmaid’s Tale, 1984 and any kind of dystopic satirical fiction I could get my grubby little hands on. But I’d approach the hell out of anyone reading any of these books now. Or Catch-22. Or White Noise. Oooh I totally got into it with a guy reading White Noise. I’m a book flirt, you guys. I’m not ashamed.

            Honestly, though, read books you like. Odds are a girl that you would have things in common with would like that book too and it’s a very easy way to meet them. Unless you’re skeevy about it. Girls can sense that a mile away. Or just an uggo.

  6. I can’t wait for the first reports of women faking having demon babies that break their backs while clawing their way out of the uterus. Just like Bella’s!

  7. Putting on the dress does not make you the Bella of the ball

  8. Is anyone else tempted to fake engagements to see if they can get stuff? Like, I’m engaged, give me a burrito! I’m engaged, transfuse my blood!

    Just me? Huh.

    • Now that’s not a half-bad idea!

    • When my sister got married last summer, we went out for a pre-wedding lunch with the other bridesmaid. She mentioned it was our downtime before the madness started, and they brought us free cake.

      Now when I go out to eat I just think of ways to get free cake. Is it terrible to fake a pregnancy for tiramisu?

    • Wait, I’m engaged and I haven’t gotten anything for free yet. What am I doing wrong? I didn’t even know you could get burritos for free! I thought it was all going to dress stores and trying on too-expensive dresses that I’d probably feel guilty about, which I’m not into at all. But burritos!

      • A godless dirty commie pinko like me has no interest in marriage, but man if there was ever something that could sway me over to that side, it would be free burritos.

      • At least “sample” everything you can — finger sandwiches, champagne, cake, puff pastry wrapped anything — that is a legit grift in the scheme of wedding prep. All the vendors in the whole area. And do it soon bc the pre-wedding fast happens quickly. Bring your hungry spinster friends from the Internet, especially those who have been in 8 weddings in 8 years.Esp those of us who love tIny soups in cucumber cups.

        But don’t even flirt with an overpriced dress and bitchy lady salesho unless there is free champagne. It’s the only way to make those awful women tolerable. I hate wedding stuff so much, but damn I love a free tea sandwich.

    • “Whoa! What a great idea!”

  9. If only it had a scorpion on the back.

  10. Wasn’t there also a big fuss over Bella’s engagement ring? Did these girls buy that ring and wear it to the bridal shop?

  11. What about the Office fans? They keep pretending to have office manager jobs to browse the Dunder Mifflin paper. Office Max employees can’t even conduct business.

  12. yeah, the imaginary fiancee totally would be named Gregory, wouldn’t he?

  13. If ever there was a time for Joe Mande to Take One For The Team…

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