Charlize Theron is beautiful and a famous actress. Good for her. But, in the run up to her new movie, From The Mind Of Diablo Cody’s Young Adult, she now also enters into that Elite Pantheon of beautiful, successful people who try to claim that there was a time when they weren’t beautiful or successful. It’s always a weird thing for these people to do, because it falls so flat and does not make them relatable, but it DOES make them seem like delusional assholes who do not know what life is actually like for human beings. From the NY Daily News:

“I actually got a lot of the mean girl stuff from the ages of 7 to 12,” she told People magazine. “I was pretty much a mess in primary school. But I got that out of my system by the time I got to high school and was more immune to all of that stuff.”

Right, OK, so just to clarify: Charlize Theron was not incredibly beautiful and successful BETWEEN THE AGES OF 7 AND 12. Must have been rough. Sounds like a real fucking nightmare. She is the 99%. She puts her pants on just like the rest of us, from 7 to 12. What else, Charlize Theron? You poor soul?

Theron, who gets the chance to see things from the other side as a reformed mean girl in this winter’s “Young Actress,” claims it took her a while to grow into her looks, almost painfully so.

“I wore really nerdy glasses because I was blind as could be and the boys didn’t like ,” she said. “I didn’t have any boyfriends, but lots of crushes.”

First of all, New York Daily News, Charlize Theron doesn’t “get the chance to see things from the other side.” She gets to see things from exactly the same side. She is basically playing herself. She is literally a beautiful woman who is probably kind of mean in person pretending to be a beautiful woman who is definitely mean in person. But also, just to clarify, Charlize Theron wasn’t always beautiful and popular and successful because SHE DIDN’T HAVE A BOYFRIEND AT THE AGE OF 7. Got it. Dan Savage is working on a video for her as we speak. And also this:

“I wasn’t in the popular crowd,” the stunner, 36, said of her growing pains. “There was a really popular girl at school and I was obsessed with her. I mean you would go to jail for that stuff today.

“I was in tears one day because I couldn’t sit next to her.”

What? Little girls go to jail today for being obsessed with the popular kids? I don’t think that’s true. Also, you cried one day because you couldn’t sit next to her, which suggests that other days you did get to sit next to her. The story just doesn’t add up, and also I hate the story so much. What a fucking LIAR. What a beautiful, famous, beautiful liar. Someone should make an honest woman out of her. CALL ME, CHARLIZE THERON, LET’S SETTLE THIS AT THE ALTAR!

Comments (66)
  1. In her defense, she stopped being an ugly serial killer pretty much right after she won that Oscar.

  2. Oh Gabe, you’re such a pussy.

  3. “Wow, what problems. Celebrities, they’re just like us.” – starving children

  4. You Can Make it Up: Videogum written by a 7-year-old Gabe.

    (Please.)

  5. am i the only one who doesnt remember a popular crowd existing at 7? does this mean that i wasn’t popular? what’s happening’?

  6. I would love just one beautiful woman to go on a talk show and tell a pre-fab story about how she was HOT AS FUCK as a teenager and used it to her advantage. I would start her fan club.

  7. She’s 36? Well, then by my calculations she’s only been a famous actress renowned for her beauty nearly half of her life. So, to break it down:

    Ages 1-7: Learning what sounds which animals make, how to read, how to use the bathroom on her own.
    Ages 7-12: NO BOYFRIEND
    Ages 13-21: It got better, but slightly nerdy by choice
    Age 21-present: World renowned beauty.

    That IS tough.

    • by MY calculations then, it’s only 4 more years until she disappears!

      • by MY calculations, they were each traveling at 55 mph when they left the train station, but train A slowed to 45 mph after Atlanta. This explains why train B arrived 10 minutes earlier at the final destination.

    • She looks like she could have had a pretty intense awkward age with a massive pre-puberty weight gain (judging by her cheeks and various unflattering pics I’ve seen of her when she dares to get above a size 2) and then shooting up to be super tall at 6’1″ or so in a crowd of 10-year-olds… this could totally be a valid scenario. And even if she is crazy hot now, certain things you get teased for at a young age can hit hard.

      And if the horrible kids in her elementary school were even 1/3 as bad as the ones in mine, ugh. We would have been awful to her. We were awful to everyone. I am having PTSD thinking about how miserable that school was.

  8. Show me a single girl who felt popular and self-assured between 7 and 12 years old and I will show you either a liar or a person who is probably having a terrible adult life.

  9. Can’t their just be some kind of stock statement that celebrities can give when they get this kind of question?

    Very Credible Celebrity Magazine: “Was there ever a time in your life when things weren’t that great?”

    Celebrity: “Nope. My life is perfect and always has been. Even when it was kinda bad, it was still a million times better than most people’s lives.”

  10. Doesn’t her weebrain mean she is still functionally 7 years old?

  11. “That does sound hard.”

  12. I don’t think you understand how Mean Girls stuff works, Gabe. Of course she could sit next to the popular girl before. Otherwise, the popular girl wouldn’t be able to dash her expectations by ejecting her from the table. Also, maybe you weren’t scarred by social rejection when you were in elementary and middle school, but some of us were, and it sucked. The shit I went through from 10-12 was pretty fucking brutal.

    • Remember that scene in the Neverending Story where the kid got thrown in the dumpster for being smart? That actually happened to a guy I knew.

      Kids are terrible terrible human beings.

  13. Theron grew up in South Africa near Johannesburg until she was 14-15, so who knows what school kids in Africa are like? Probably the same as anywhere else: CRUEL. Plus, if it’s pre-puberty, even if she was a pretty girl it wouldn’t spare her from being teased.

    As a whole though, actors always have to explain how they found the meat of the role interesting and applicable to themselves in a series of never-ending press junkets, and pretty much anyone can sound like an asshole as as they parrot their little stories over and over again. Most interviews sound contrived.

    She’s pretty.

    • And it’s overall just downright unfair to say that beautiful people just never have the right to complain about stuff because they are rich and beautiful and famous, etc. Going by that logic, what first world citizen has the right to complain about anything, much less being bullied, which in a lot of parts of the world isn’t even considered a problem or a thing in the first place, even though it happens ALL THE TIME EVERYWHERE and to a BUNCH OF DIFFERENT TYPES OF KIDS.

      And besides, Theron wasn’t even complaining per se; probably just answering a question with the truth because some idiot entertainment reporter asked.

      This “reverse” “ugly-ism” is juvenile.

      • “…what first world citizen has the right to complain about anything…”

        Indeed.

      • I liked the part when Gabe simply decides that she’s a terrible mean person, based seemingly just on her being pretty and successful. Also the part where he pretends he doesn’t know that she’s making a straight-forward point that grown ups go to jail for being obsessive stalkers, and instead acts like she said something stupid. Gabe’d!

    • Well it’s on public record that her mother shot and killed her father. It was judged self defense because he happened to be an abusive drunk who enjoyed kicking the shit out of his wife and daughter. Theron also got herself out of rural South Africa by getting a professional contract with a ballet company, something which involves the same physical pain as being a pro footballer but without the money.

      It is true that once her career in ballet was over she soon became a successful model (because she is pretty) but that doesn’t make everything she experienced prior to that a cake walk.

      If you grow up beautiful in a nice nurturing environment then its true life can be easy. Conversely no one is more vulnerable to being exploited than a young teenage girl in an unstable position. The truth is that the numbers of people who may wish to exploit a teenage girl will be raised considerably if said girl happens to be attractive.

      Empathy – sometimes we needs it.

    • I wanted to leave a comment about her Apartheid South African childhood as well, but you guys covered most of the bases. I’d just add that it’s easy to forget that growing up white and Afrikaans under Apartheid didn’t necessarily mean your were automatically privileged and carefree. I mean, of course, a white kid WAS privileged, technically, with respect the black majority, but as a generation of anti-racist writers have to remind us again and again, a white-supremacist society (of which the Apartheid regime was an extreme example) is toxic and traumatic for whites as well as blacks.

      This might seem only tangentially related to a pretty girl getting bullied during her “awkward age,” but think about this way: when EVERYTHING about your public, civic identity is completely dictated by your skin color, your hair texture, your accent, etc — might that not instill some pretty sick and dangerous ideas in children’s heads about what superficial “prettiness” means? You see where I’m going with this? (I feel like Coetzee makes a point similar to this in “Disgrace.”)

      ALSO, you know how in “Silence of the Lambs” Hannibal Lector says to Jodi Foster “You’re just one generation away from White Trash”? I feel like Hannibal Lector would tell Charlize Theron “You’re just a few different choices away from being an extra in a Die Antwoort video.”

  14. I’m about the same age as miss Pouty Lips up there, at least I was some years ago, and my life was great between 7 and 12. Otherwise it has totally sucked.

  15. if she had been homeschooled from 7-12 like me all of this could have been avoided

  16. Raise your hand if you’d be willing to have a horrible school experience from the ages 7-12 to become a beautiful, famous, rich actress.

    *raises hand*

    Yup. Thought so.

  17. “So, Charlize, which high school archetype did you fall under back then?”

    “Well, nameless interviewer, I feel like I’m fucked if I’m honest, fucked if I’m not. Perhaps I should just keep mum, as befits a woman of my attractiveness level and hair color?”

  18. I dunno, I wonder if the bullying might not have its roots to what happened to her as a kid, what with her mom killing her abusive dad in self defense. Kids suck, and it sounds like a small town…

    • Yeah, normally I think this line is a load of hooey, but considering an actual shrewd, attention whoring person of today would work that angle for all it’s got it seems like she probably just answered a question.

  19. it’s kinda odd that now people are being mean to her for saying that once upon a time people were mean to her.

  20. What a hideously unfortunate creature… put it down as mercy!!!

  21. IN RESPONSE TO…She is literally a beautiful woman who is probably kind of mean in person pretending to be a beautiful woman who is definitely mean in person.

    My family ran into her on Santa Monica Pier. My sister Moo wasn’t sure if that was her, so she stared at her for 2 minutes. She turned to my sister and yelled out, “WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!?!?!”

    We’re looking at you; you mean, beautiful person.

    There should be a zoo for beautiful mean actresses. Moo would go for sure.

  22. Christ. On THIS outdated after-the-fact subject I have this to say: although I am not now nor will I ever be conventionally good-looking, I can still somehow see things from the good-looking peoples-of-the-world’s point of view and at least concede the possibility that maybe at some point in their lives they might have been made fun of for something or other. That thing, whatever it was, is probably no longer apparent to us as adults, divorced as we are from our barbarian childhoods and also from the particular bacterial petri dish in which Charlize Theron (to choose an example at random) grew up in. But still, although I, as an adult who finds Charlize Theron attractive, cannot see how anyone could make fun of Charlize Theron, that does not negate the possibility that there is at least one version of Charlize Theron existent outside of my mind (ie. that of actual real-life Charlize Theron) and beyond that a nigh-infinite number of versions of Charlize Theron existent in the minds of anyone who has ever put her name to her face and thought, “That chick is pretty,” or, “That chick is a total phony,” or put her anywhere on the scale between those two extremes.

    Her face and her body can be measured against whatever yardstick we measure beauty by. The intangibles, the unknowables, can’t. There is no fucking way, Gabe, that you have any idea what Charlize Theron’s childhood was like or who she is as a person and believe me, that’s a sentence I never thought I’d type. Stop passing judgement at random, please. It’s not doing anyone any good.

    ALSO, where is your fucking editor? One of the things I used to like about this site was the absence of type-o’s and spelling mistakes and such. What happened? Get your shit together.

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