On Sunday, December 4, TLC is going to be airing a special titled Virgin Diaries, which will follow the lives of six adult virgins. Now please be quiet and tell me nothing more about it because I’m ALREADY VERY MUCH SOLD! That simple premise is certainly good enough to sell an entire series, I’m not sure why it’s just a one-off special. Virgins? Dealing with not ever having had sex in their entire lives? Please round up the robots to deliver me my meals for the entire next week, I’ll be on the couch waiting, just like the virgins are waiting to have sex: impatiently. (Honestly I am probably at least going to DVR this special.) If this premise is somehow not enough to draw you in, maybe you’d like to take a look at the promo, featuring two adult virgins getting married and kissing each other for the first time? Just to whet your appetite? What if I promised you that it was the best thing you’d ever see in your entire life? And that it was less kissing and, I don’t want to ruin it for you, but something more like what it looks like when a baby bird is getting fed except with a bald guy and a too-cute girl? Yes! Great! I’M SO EXCITED FOR YOU TO WATCH THIS!
Ahahahahahahhahahahahahahhhahhaha. I almost feel foolish for thinking that this is the funniest thing I’ve ever seen because how can it even be real?! THE SECOND KISS? At least that second kiss has to be a prank. Like the time that couple pranked Jerry Springer on MTV’s Spring Break, I bet. Or maybe the producers showed them a video of “how to kiss” beforehand and then had them practice for hours on a really out of control robot and now it’s just muscle memory? Listen, we can debunk this clip for as long as we like, but the fact remains that it’s the best kiss any of us will see in our entire lives. Even better than this one. Congratulations to the happy couple. I love you both. “Mazel.” – Andy Cohen (Thanks for the tip, Nick!)