Jason Segel, star of the new Muppets movie that you probably haven’t even heard about yet, is everywhere these days. Remember when he hosted Saturday Night Live? I know it seems like forever ago, but that was actually just this past weekend! I KNOW! So you’re probably thinking, “Jason Segel, that guy is everywhere and seems very charming and nice, surely he must have a very attractive girlfriend whom he loves and will eventually get married to when the time is right, each of them feeling like they’re the lucky one ” EEHHH! BUZZER NOISE! WRONG! From Vulture:
My house is packed with puppets. Like, everywhere. Thank God I have a slightly bigger house now, so I have one room that’s sort of dedicated to puppets. But for a long time I lived in a one-bedroom apartment that was just crammed with puppets. It’s why I’m still single.
A puppet room? Computer, is there something that we missed in the interview where Jason Segel gives an explanation for why he thinks he’s still single, because from what I see here– No? We didn’t miss anything? So you’re telling us that Jason Segel thinks he is still single because he has a room full of puppets, the thing that LITERALLY EVERY WOMAN WANTS TO SEE WHEN THEY VISIT A GUY’S APARTMENT FOR THE FIRST TIME? Admittedly I know very few women. In any case, it’s clear that Jason Segel needs some advice. Cute anecdotes about being single from famous actors are NOT things to be taken lightly. So here are a few tips. (And if one of you can e-mail a link to Jason that would be great, thanks.)
- When a woman is visiting your apartment for the first time and you’re feeling nervous about your puppet room, take all of the puppets out of the puppet room and put them in your bedroom with roses in their mouths.
- When making conversation with a woman on a first date, ask her if she’s ever seen Freaks and Geeks. “Oh yeah,” she’ll probably respond, “I loved that show!” Then you say, “I was on that show.”
- When you’ve been on a few dates already with a woman and you think everything is going pretty well, for the next date, get to the restaurant very early. Tell her you have to go there from work so you don’t have to pick her up. Bring one of your best puppets and go under the table and when she comes, talk to her with the puppet. After a while stop and come back up to your seat and say, “No, just kidding, I’m here.”
- Next time you are anywhere and you see a woman who looks like she probably knows who you are, ask that woman on a date.
- When a woman is at your apartment and you’ve almost made it through the night without her noticing your puppet room, but then she goes for the puppet room and asks, “Hey, what’s in here…” you say “NOTHING! IT’S PRIVATE! RESPECT MY PRIVACY!” Forceful and mysterious.
- Go to a puppet convention and find a woman there.
- Marry a puppet.
You’re welcome, Jason Segel! Invite me to the wedding! (Thanks for the tip, Amy!)