Jason Segel, star of the new Muppets movie that you probably haven’t even heard about yet, is everywhere these days. Remember when he hosted Saturday Night Live? I know it seems like forever ago, but that was actually just this past weekend! I KNOW! So you’re probably thinking, “Jason Segel, that guy is everywhere and seems very charming and nice, surely he must have a very attractive girlfriend whom he loves and will eventually get married to when the time is right, each of them feeling like they’re the lucky one ” EEHHH! BUZZER NOISE! WRONG! From Vulture:

My house is packed with puppets. Like, everywhere. Thank God I have a slightly bigger house now, so I have one room that’s sort of dedicated to puppets. But for a long time I lived in a one-bedroom apartment that was just crammed with puppets. It’s why I’m still single.

A puppet room? Computer, is there something that we missed in the interview where Jason Segel gives an explanation for why he thinks he’s still single, because from what I see here– No? We didn’t miss anything? So you’re telling us that Jason Segel thinks he is still single because he has a room full of puppets, the thing that LITERALLY EVERY WOMAN WANTS TO SEE WHEN THEY VISIT A GUY’S APARTMENT FOR THE FIRST TIME? Admittedly I know very few women. In any case, it’s clear that Jason Segel needs some advice. Cute anecdotes about being single from famous actors are NOT things to be taken lightly. So here are a few tips. (And if one of you can e-mail a link to Jason that would be great, thanks.)

  • When a woman is visiting your apartment for the first time and you’re feeling nervous about your puppet room, take all of the puppets out of the puppet room and put them in your bedroom with roses in their mouths.
  • When making conversation with a woman on a first date, ask her if she’s ever seen Freaks and Geeks. “Oh yeah,” she’ll probably respond, “I loved that show!” Then you say, “I was on that show.”
  • When you’ve been on a few dates already with a woman and you think everything is going pretty well, for the next date, get to the restaurant very early. Tell her you have to go there from work so you don’t have to pick her up. Bring one of your best puppets and go under the table and when she comes, talk to her with the puppet. After a while stop and come back up to your seat and say, “No, just kidding, I’m here.”
  • Next time you are anywhere and you see a woman who looks like she probably knows who you are, ask that woman on a date.
  • When a woman is at your apartment and you’ve almost made it through the night without her noticing your puppet room, but then she goes for the puppet room and asks, “Hey, what’s in here…” you say “NOTHING! IT’S PRIVATE! RESPECT MY PRIVACY!” Forceful and mysterious.
  • Go to a puppet convention and find a woman there.
  • Marry a puppet.

You’re welcome, Jason Segel! Invite me to the wedding! (Thanks for the tip, Amy!)

Comments (38)
  1. So, should we caption this ?

  2. To be fair a puppet room does sound like an euphemism for something a serial killer would have

    • Scarier — stumbling upon room of puppets or room of Teddy Ruxpins?

    • Yeah, I thought having the puppets with roses in their mouths was hilarious until I actually pictured it. Now I can’t get that image out of my mind. This is gonna be a dark day.

    • I have so many relevant true stories to tell all you monsters!

      Once, when I worked at a costume shop in Boston, I was asked to go clean the basement. The building was very old and there were lots of secret closets and stuff, and while I was cleaning I accidentally entered the “Bunny Head Room.” The Bunny Head room is where we kept all of our Easter bunny mascot heads, in see through plastic bags, in the dark. The Bunny Head room is the scariest room that has ever existed.

      So, Jason Segel, puppet rooms don’t bother me, because at least they are not bunny head rooms. Then again, I am not a lady that Jason Segel is trying to woo, so this comment is pretty useless.

      • That…..is……so……GREAT. You should write a horror film that starts that way.

      • I stumbled upon a Christmas room in the basement at work. It was definitely nowhere near as terrifying as the Bunny Head Room sounds, but it was quite disturbing to suddenly have ten Santas staring at me from all directions. I’VE BEEN GOOD, I SWEAR

  3. My advice to Jason Segel is marry me.

  4. The Muppets: Jason Segel’s Puppet Fetish is in theaters today, you guys!

  5. Kelly, he also lives above the Chateau Marmot and routinely has them deliver his dinner through extended neighborhood room services (???) because of course he does.

    (These are the things I remember from articles I read in the New York Times. Not important things about the world, but where I should live in LA if I ever become wealthy enough to command people to bring me martinis on a tray. Or reasons to date Jason Segal.)

    • Hahaha, the Chateau Marmot , the hotel for large squirrel-like creatures. I’d make a joke about the squirrelish features of some celebrity, but I can’t be bothered so just imagine I did and it was a real zinger.

  6. Listen. Jason. I’ve been in a lot of creepy apartments. Puppets would by far be the least traumatic thing sprung upon me.

    Unless you have sex puppets. Then yeah, I see how that could be a problem. Especially if you’ve made a puppet of the lady in question.

  7. AAAAND, once you get to the bedroom and sweep all the puppets off the bed (making sure their faces are turned away, duh) and lay down on the bed with her, getting ready for some intimate times, you should definitely make your penis do a little dance and make up a voice and character for it, too.

  8. I would strongly advise that you do not make a “hand-up-the-butt” joke before she knows about your puppet collection.

    • why not? just sayin’

      • Scenario 1:
        Jason Segel (in the car right after meeting her): “You might say I am an expert at putting my hand in the butt. Hahaha.”
        Date: “Gross. I’m leaving.”

        Scenario 2:
        Jason Segel (in the apartment after showing her all the puppets): “You might say I am an expert at putting my hand in the butt. Hahaha.”
        Date: “Hahaha. I’m leaving.”

        It’s a subtle improvement. One small step for inappropriate jokes. One giant leap for Jason Segel’s love life.

  9. he could find a portal behind a file cabinet in to the mind of john malkovich and after hijinks ensue he could try to woo catherine keener.

    “just sayin’.”

  10. I am single because I am only sexually desirable to people who are drunk, and that gets expensive.

  11. I literally see no problem with this and would gay marry Jason Segal in a felt heartbeat. OH! We could even use puppets IN THE CEREMONY! like we would say the vows through puppets and the preacher would have to talk through a puppet (or..Reverend Rolf T Dog?)! and there would be puppet D.J! oh! it would be so romantic! ♥

  12. FACT: I’ve been told on multiple occasions by various people that I look like/remind them of/am a Muppet.
    Your move Jason Segel. Your move.

    (What I’m saying is he and I need to have Muppet babies already.)

  13. I’m sure one of the puppets is wearing a shirt with an upside-down “WOW” on it.

    BTW, “Admittedly I know very few women” is just plain good comedy writing.

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