Carl and Lori are feeding the chickens. “Don’t look so worried,” Carl says. “That’s my job,” Lori says. “No it’s not, you’re a housewife.” BOOM! CARL DROPPIN’ BOMBS! Lori throws chicken seed in his face, blinding him. “Do you see my house around here?” Lori asks. Uh, THAT is your response to your child insolently saying that your job is to be a housewife? “Do you see my house around here?” That is the most housewife-y comeback I’ve ever even heard. Carl wonders what happened to the mother chicken of a bunch of baby chickens. Lori says she’s probably somewhere. Again with the killer answers from Lori. “Where is the mother?” “She’s probably somewhere.” It’s almost as if Lori is TOO sparkling in a conversation. “Maybe she got eaten,” Carl says. Lori gives him this super-intense horrified face, which in her defense IS just her face, but also what is she upset about? Carl is right, maybe the chicken got eaten? That’s kind of a thing that happens to chickens, in general, and on a chicken farm especially. Also, Carl lives in a nightmare world of brain dead rotting flesh, and two days ago he got shot trying to pet a deer, and the guy who shot him is already dead, and just in general I think he’s READY for the TRUTH about MORTALITY at least as far as CHICKENS ARE CONCERNED. “Everything’s food for something,” Carl says. This is also supposed to be powerful and metaphorical because the next thing we see is a woman from the farmhouse taking a sack of chickens and dumping them into the Zombie Barn. So, sure, everything is food for something. Except, in particular, CHICKENS ARE FOOD FOR PEOPLE, TOO. Like, yes, Carl (and this show), everything is food for something else. But in particular, chickens are food for us. And apparently also food for zombies? It’s just stupid to look at a candy bar and be like “everything is a candy bar to someone,” and think that you’re revealing some deep truth about THE WAY THINGS ARE. “Everything’s food for something, for example chickens are food for something. Hard to say what. I’m not saying I know WHAT eats chickens, but if chickens eat chicken feed, then something eats chickens, and then something eats those things, and on and on up the food chain until you get to dinosaurs and leprechauns.” Shut up, Carl. Shut up, Lori. Why do they need to feed the zombies chickens? There is absolutely no scientific evidence that suggests that you need to feed the zombies at all. It seems like the zombies are just as disgusting and undead whether you feed them chickens or do not feed them chickens. ANSWER THAT, CARL, IF YOU’RE SUCH A GENIUS. [Insert Lori Crap Face.] (Also the woman from the farmhouse breaks both of the chickens legs with her bare hands before throwing it to the zombies for some reason? As if that was an issue? I am pretty sure zombies don’t just attack people with broken legs? Then she uses a wheelbarrow to transport the sack to the barn even though it only has one chicken in it? Is this show nonsense? Just kidding, don’t answer that. Because I already know the answer.)
Glen is watching the zombie barn through a pair of binoculars. Haha. WHY?! He knows what’s in there, yes, but basically he is just staring at a barn? Get to work, Glen. His girlfriend walks up with a basket of fruit and tells him he can’t tell anyone about the barn. “You’re trying to buy my silence with fruit?” he asks. “No,” she says, “there’s also jerky.” This whole scene is played for comedic affect, with Glen offering witty banter about how bad he is at lying. “I can’t even play poker,” he says, “it’s too much like lying!” The problem with playing this scene for comedic effect is that it’s not that funny when everyone’s face just looks like this the whole time:
Glen’s girlfriend, in response to his multiple legitimate questions about why on Earth they have a locked barn full of zombies 10 feet from their house where they live, just says “You have to trust me.” Cool. Problem solved. Good answer. This show should just be called The Walking Good Answers because of how smart everything that everyone says always is. Glen starts distributing the fruit to everyone in camp, but each peach comes with a long, meaningful stare, enough to creep everyone out. Boy, Glen wasn’t kidding about being a bad liar! “What’s up,” T-Dog asks him. “NOTHING? WHY? SHOULD SOMETHING BE UP? WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?!” Even Shane and Rick over at Operation Sophia HQ are like, uh, Glen?
Glen sees Lori, who still hasn’t told Rick that she’s pregnant. He starts offering all kinds of nutritional and medical advice. Two days ago he didn’t even know what a pregnancy test was, and now he knows that she is underweight for an expecting mother, and that she’s not supposed to be lifting those heavy gasoline canisters of water. Glen says that he’ll go back into town, she just needs to tell him what she needs. “I need you to keep quiet about this.” Is anyone worried that Lori is TOO good of a person?
Carl tells Shane that he wants to learn how to shoot a gun, and he wants Shane to ask his parents for him. Two seconds later, because of how this conversation happens five feet from Carl’s parents, when it becomes overly clear that Grimes is VERY on board with Carl learning how to shoot a gun, one wonders why Carl didn’t just ask his dad directly in the first place? Also, Carl is already carrying a gun in the waistband of his Dockers.
Hey, remember how last week Herschel said he didn’t want anyone to carry guns on the property and everyone reluctantly agreed, but not only is everyone still carrying a gun but EVEN CARL HAS A FUCKING GUN? Never mind. Grimes and Lori have an argument about whether or not Carl should be taught how to shoot a gun. Grimes thinks it’s good for Carl to learn how to protect himself. Lori thinks he’s too young and also that he just got shot by a gun two days ago. This is not a very convincing argument. I mean, that works if Lori is trying to argue against ALL guns, but if everyone else is still carrying a gun, then Carl having been shot by a gun doesn’t really move the needle. And as far as him being too young, I mean, too young for WHAT at this point? We’re only about two weeks out from Carl becoming an important cog in the Baby Making Factory to repopulate the Earth, so he might as well know how to protect his love tent from zombies. GET IT WET, CARL! (Gross. You know what else is gross? The flimsy and insulting logic of this show.) It also seems worth pointing out that this show is supposed to take place in Georgia, where there is a pretty prevalent gun culture, and Grimes is a sheriff, and his best friend is a certified shooting instructor. If anything, it’s weird that Carl doesn’t ALREADY KNOW how to fire a gun. What are they trying to do? Raise him into a gay?! It is worth noting that this is just the first of three, yes, THREE, boring and overwrought arguments that Lori and Grimes will have this week.
Wait for it!!!!
Glen begs off the shooting lessons in order to spill the beans to Dale all about how Lori is pregnant and there are zombies in the barn. Really? If I were Glen I would have gone to the shooting lessons. That seems way more fun and less bug-eye-y. Dale IMMEDIATELY walks right over to Herschel in the horse barn and confronts him about the zombie barn (two different barns, I think). Actually, first Dale says “I love your fields,” and some story about how he walked by the barn and that’s how he knows. On the one hand, this gets Glen off the hook, but as a bonus, I’m sure this boring story about walking through a field will also soften the blow. Just kidding! You are confronting a man about his biggest secret, who the fuck cares how you found out! Herschel explains that they aren’t zombies, they’re just sick people without a cure, and you don’t kill sick people. “Paranoid schizophrenics are dangerous, too. We don’t kill them,” Herschel argues. Uh, not the same thing. Not even a little bit the same thing? Also, there is (or was) an infrastructure for taking care of paranoid schizophrenics to minimize the danger, but I bet you if there was a paranoid schizophrenic OUTBREAK that turned EVERYONE into a paranoid schizophrenic, we’d start shooting them. And then Jose Saramago would write a thin but moving novella about it and win the Zombiel Prize for literature. Herschel also lumps what happened at the well last week into his discussion of irrational fear and violence. Again, no? For one thing, they actually tried to pull the zombie out of the well alive at first. And then the zombie ripped in half, much like a paranoid schizophrenic does when you try to pull one of those out of a well without contaminating the well. And then they killed the disembowled half of a zombie that was crawling towards them trying to eat them. What would Herschel have done? “Throw that half of a zombie carcass in the barn and we will wait until there is a cure for this disease and also a way to regrow lower halves of bodies.” Dale still wants to tell Grimes about the barn, but Herschel points out that there are some people in the group who aren’t trust-worthy. Dale makes a Dale Face.
Guns guns guns. Shoot shoot shoot. The Gun Club goes fine. Apparently, although Herschel doesn’t want any guns on his property, he doesn’t mind if everyone gets really good at USING the guns. Andrea is apparently very good at shooting guns now, so Shane gives her an advanced private lesson deeper in the woods. I guess everyone else just went home? Shane swings a log from a rope and Andrea tries to shoot a moving target but it’s too hard. Shane screams in her face about her dead sister. What a good teacher! If he can change just one young woman’s life then it will all be worth it. (Later he will DEFINITELY be changing Andrea’s life all over the backseat of his Honda Fit.) Andrea storms off. Shane storms after her. He apologizes to her, and then drives her to a suburban neighborhood where he “got a lead on Sophia.” HAHAHAHAH. How do you “get a lead” on something when there are seven people left in the WHOLE FUCKING WORLD? And obviously ENOUGH WITH SOPHIA WHO CARES ABOUT FUCKING SOPHIA? They search through some houses filled with dead bodies, no big deal, and then suddenly there are zombies everywhere and Shane uses this as an immersion technique to make Andrea get good at shooting? As if we are all just sitting here hoping that Andrea gets better at shooting but also very willing to wait with her for as long as it takes. Take your time, Andrea. Do you need another episode? How about all of next season of The Walking Dead is just you learning how to shoot better and then we’ll pick up Sophia’s trail again in season 4. Oh good, it didn’t take that long. She’s so good at it now. They get in the car and drive about 10 feet and start to fuck. Nice. HONK HONK HONK!
Dale confronts Lori about her pregnancy. Dale might be even worse at keeping secrets than Glen! Lori explains that she doesn’t know how she can bring a child into this world, which is a totally fair point. A miserable, depressing point that I feel like we’ve already BEEN OVER A HUNDRED TIMES ON THIS SHOW, but a fair one. Dale tells her that she can’t think like that. Wrong as usual, Dale. You can definitely think like that. Lori finds Glen and tells him that on second thought, she would like him to risk his life by riding into town on a horse to the pharmacy to get her some supplies. Good thing they didn’t just take everything from the pharmacy the first time! (SPOILER ALERT: they also don’t take everything from the pharmacy on this trip, either. For some reason, it is important to leave things at the pharmacy and only take them on an as-needed basis.) Glen’s girlfriend goes with him. They have a boring argument. They get attacked by a zombie. They yell at Lori. They fuck. HONK HONK HONK!
Shane threatens Dale. Is Shane crazy? Is Dale annoying? Can everyone just kill each other already?
Glen picked up Lori’s “Morning After Pills,” which literally say “Morning After Pills” on the box.
Huh! I did NOT realize that was how those things were being packaged now. Congrats, ladies! Your bodies, yourselves. He also got her some pre-natal vitamins. IT IS JUST LIKE SOPHIE’S CHOICE! He tells her that he can’t tell her what to do, but that she probably shouldn’t make this decision on her own. But she basically does make the decision on her own, by taking a bunch of morning after pills. They don’t work after a certain period of time unless you take a comical number of them. Then she feels guilty and throws up the pills out in the middle of a field somewhere, leaving her empty “Morning After Pills” wrappers all over the tent where she lives with both her husband AND young child. Carl might not be old enough to learn how to shoot a gun, but he is definitely old enough to learn about the mania and desperation of a woman spinning out of control! Grimes walks into the tent and sees “Morning After Pill” wrappers all over the place. He immediately assumes that his wife is pregnant and that she is trying to abort their baby, which it does turn out is true and he’s right, but considering how many people are fucking all over the place, it could have been just about any of the women on the show. He confronts her out in the field. Understandably, Grimes is mad. They have some old argument about babies that comes DANGEROUSLY CLOSE to some right to life bullshit. Lori says something about how she didn’t want to tell him because that way whatever she decided to do would be on her conscience and not on Grimes’s, which lets you know that Lori REALLY doesn’t understand how marriages or having babies work. Like, you don’t think that at some point Grimes would find out and that it would be on his conscience that you aborted and/or had a baby without telling him? Either way, kind of going to end up on his conscience, brainiac. Then Grimes says he can’t live like this anymore, with the secrets and the lies, and wants to know if there’s anything else Lori has to tell him and she finally, FUCKING GODDAMNED FINALLY, tells him about Shane. Well, actually, all she says is “Shane and I.” She leaves out the second half of the sentence, which is “snuck away from the group and he raw-dogged me from behind in the forest and it was awesome.” Grimes says that of course he knew, which, right, I mean, she is your wife and he is your best friend and neither of them has been keeping it cool about this, so of course he knew. This is one of those TV moments where we are supposed to be excited that two characters are discussing a thing that it turns out both of them have known for two years and also we have known for two years and so it’s like, OK, good, I guess, but it’s not that dramatically engaging when everyone knows everything already. (As if anything on this show is dramatically engaging.)
“You thought I was dead, right? You thought that the world had gone to hell, and that I was dead?” Grimes asks. Lori takes an impossibly long time to finally nod yes. Wait, isn’t that exactly what happened? She has actually been for real saying that to everyone the whole time, and it’s totally believable, but is that suddenly not what happened? Now we are supposed to think that it was because she just really wanted to raw-dog Shane in the forest regardless of whether Grimes was dead and the zombies were in the White House? FOUR MORE YEARS! UNTIL ANYTHING ACTUALLY INTERESTING OR IMPORTANT OR MEANINGFUL HAPPENS ON THIS SHOW!
Next week: the season finale, thank God.