People announced their annual Sexiest Man Alive issue today, and the winner is Bradley Cooper. Let’s just table that for a second. But we are definitely going to come back to that. Bradley Cooper’s response to being named the Sexiest Man Alive is very sexy:

“I think it’s really cool that a guy who doesn’t look like a model can have this [title],” says the Hangover actor, 36. “I think I’m a decent-looking guy. Sometimes I can look great, and other times I look horrifying.”

Sometimes he thinks he looks great and other times he thinks he looks horrifying! HE IS US! You are definitely using “really cool” correctly, Bradley Cooper! If only your quote was a little bit shorter so that it could be featured in this month’s Humblebrag Hall of Fame. (The one thing I will say in Bradley Cooper’s defense is that there is absolutely nothing to say in response to People magazine naming you the Sexiest Man Alive. It is a lose-lose type of win.) Here’s the thing, though, and obviously no homo on this whole post, OK? It’s not gay to just talk about how beautiful another man is, OK? We can all appreciate the grace and form of the human body, OK? But, uh, Bradley Cooper isn’t even THE SEXIEST MAN ON THAT MAGAZINE COVER. (Ryan Gosling inset 3 the win.) Do you agree with me or do you disagree with me? Vote with your votes. TO THE READER POLLS!

Is Bradley Cooper The Sexiest Man Alive?

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VOTE OR DIE. You don’t want to die, do you? DO YOU?! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE VOTE FOR!

VOTE VOTE VOTE VOTE! GOOD POLL! GOOD VOTE! Bradley Cooper IS The Sexiest Crow Alive!

Comments (71)
  1. Sexiest bird? Actually, no. Not even that.

  2. Fuck you, Bradley Cooper, you look exactly like a model. Unless you were talking about some other year’s winner…

  3. Some days he looks great, some days he looks horrifying: you might say the number of ways Bradley Cooper can look are Limitless.

  4. I feel like Lil’ Jon could have put a much more upbeat spin on the vote mandate than P. Puffy Daddy Diddy did.

    “Vote! Vote! Vote vote vote VOTE! Vote! Vote vote vote VOTE! Vote! Vote vote vote VOTE, EVERYBODAYY!”

  5. I think I did it wrong, I didn’t want to die and the pressure was too much… we were all supposed to vote for Herman Cain, right? Right?

  6. Pancake Ryan Gosling. was robbed.

  7. I’ll be honest. Although he is not #1 on my dreamboat book, he is an attractive man, and I have a hard time believing that at his worst he is not still relatively attractive. So unless he means that he is like Robert Englund from V, and that his Bradley Cooper face is just a mask, I call BS.

    And even then, his lizard face would probably be a handsome lizard face, too. Bah.

  8. Bradley Cooper is the discount Matthew McConaughey.

    And both are yucky.

  9. They probably gave him this award after seeing what he would have looked like in The Crow

  10. I think we all know what he had to do to get Michael Ian Black’s vote…

  11. Any sexiest man poll where Paul Rudd doesn’t win is pretty much bullshit.

  12. Replace “sexiest” with “smarmiest” and we’ll talk.

  13. Bradley Cooper looks like 1996.

  14. Write-in vote: Gabe as Kelly OR Kelly as Gabe

    Not today, god of death.

  15. Oh please. I have published an annual list of the hottest dudes for the last seven years and this goon hasn’t even made the shortlist.

    • Share your list! Here is mine:

      2010: Hugh Jackman
      2009: Hugh Jackman
      2008: Hugh Jackman
      2007: Liam Nielson
      2006: Hugh Jackman
      2005: Liam Nielson
      2004: Hugh Jackman

      • A party with that list sounds like a pants peeing good time!

        • Mine:

          2011 – Charlie Day tied with Drake tied with Gabe Delahaye, of course
          2010 – Paul Rudd
          2009 – Bradley Cooper
          2008 – Thomas Jane
          2007 – Peter Sarsgaard

          Hugh Jackman is not on my list because he’s just too closeted gay for a gay man to deal with. I know there are those of you who don’t think he’s gay, but take it from a gay man. He’s definitely gay. Gay gay gay. Gay. C

        • Is this a sign that Mr. Cooper will soon join the league of extraordinary pants-peeing gentlemen?

  16. That Bradley Cooper must share his “Sexiest Man Alive” cover with the Penn State Sex Scandal seems like enough justice for me.

    • I was finding a lot of joy in the Teen Beat-style subheds:


  17. did anyone say gabe yet

  18. Don’t blame me, guys. I voted for Stephen Colbert as Che Guevara:

  19. LOL! what the fvck? Do they pick these muthafuckaz out randomly and shit?

  20. People sexiest man alive = Hollywood PR person of the year award.

  21. Prior to this, I actually sort of liked Bradley Cooper. What is it about People slapping their gross Sexiest Man stamp on an otherwise inoffensive guy that makes one instantly want to punch him in the face?

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