This song reminds me of my junior high school’s Jazz Band. Now, I don’t know about where you went to junior high school, but where I went to junior high school, the Jazz Band kids were doing GREAT. Oh man, in their stupid fucking suspenders and their white on white neckties and they probably had pork pie hats although I might be making up the pork pie hats but for the sake of this memory let’s say they were wearing pork pie hats. And as someone who was having a very hard time in junior high school it was baffling to look at these CREATURES who should, by all accounts (or at the very least by the account of the way in which they were dressed) be having an even harder time seemed to be living the life. Talking about it now, it still makes no sense, and I’m sure that I am remembering at least some of it wrong, but I promise you that the Jazz Band kids were relatively successful socially. Even if it was just some kind of Malcolm Gladwellian Tipping Point where just enough people decided that the Jazz Band was somehow not to be mocked and humiliated that the rest of the children believed it, the Jazz Band was actually of a certain status in a world where status is everything (as if there is any other kind of world.) Well, guess what Jazz Band kids. We survived your stupid rein, and we are going to survive this stupid week. And we are going to dance AT YOUR GODDAMNED FUNERAL. (Video via HaveYouSeenThis.)

Comments (40)
  1. The Jazz Hands kids didn’t do as well in junior high, but it got better.

  2. I was in Jazz Band in high school.


      • Looking back, we sure had weird jazz band outfits.

        • I don’t understand this outfit thing…is this an American thing? In Canada, sure Jazz Bands wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people, but I don’t remember suspenders and hats. Spinning bow ties I mean of course, but that wasn’t a Jazzband thing, that was just the style at the time.

          Also, we definitely, definitely played Green Onions every year. That is the Jazz Band staple. That and Birdland. Ahhhhh Birdland.

          • outfits?? really? SHOW BLACKS, DUDE. (PS I think it was New York State law that every single school perform Birdland at every recital ever.)

          • dont’ forget “Take Five”

            “Jazz Band, today we are going to learn about different and difficult time signatures. You are all too young and inexperienced to execute this to any degree that a human person would want to listen to it, including your parents, but whatever. We’ll have a Clarinet solo.”

          • I was making a stupid joke about wearing Spartacus outfits. Our band just had the white shirt/black skirt or trouser requirement. And we did manage to sweet talk the band director into letting us wear fedoras.

          • Oh I got the Spartacus joke, I was referencing what Kelly wrote up there with the suspenders/pork pie hat thing. I think every Jazz Band talked their conductor into wearing something stupid. Ours was sunglasses. “We want to wear sunglasses” “I don’t give a fuck what you wear, as long as one of you stops BLASTING that F sharp. God damnit, would you please respect Charlie Parker for ONE goddamn second and read the fucking KEY Signature. Fuck! I don’t need this. Fuck. I was a member of fucking Manhattan Transfer.”

    • I was in Jazz Band in jr. high school and Jazz Choir in high school. LADIES?

    • Not only was I in Jazz Band in Jr. High about 100 years ago, but there is audio PROOF!

  3. WOOOO, not dying today.

  4. Don’t worry Gabe, you’re better than that Scallion Battalion

  5. I was in jazz band all through junior high. I kind of faked my way through, though, because we rotated between three keyboardists so I usually only got to play one or two songs at our concerts and you couldn’t hear the piano over the other instruments anyway, so I would just kind of play random notes notes or mime playing because it didn’t seem worth it to me to actually learn how to play “1999″ by Prince.

  6. We did not have a jazz band, but I am sure it would not have helped anyone with their popularity status. Football and cheer leading, yes, anything band related, no.

    On another note, every time I see Ann Margaret in that get up I am confused. Is she just wearing tights as pants? And isn’t that frowned upon in society? I mean, she’s got great gams but still…I just feel wrong after seeing it.

  7. This one time, at Jazz band camp, we had a lot of sax.

  8. Play that cast Grandma!!!

  9. I played the sax in junior high band and I had to stop because those godammed reeds. What the hell was up with those things? I remember when I found out that’s how you had to play the sax, by blowing through this wet slice of stinky wood that never worked quite right; the magic died that day.

  10. i played trombone in every version of “band” that public school could offer. jr high comes and a light goes off “OHHHH i can be in a SKA band THAT WOULD MAKE THIS DORKY INSTRUMENT/ME COOL”. Spoiler alert: IT DID.

  11. I was not in jazz band in high school, but I am glad that we’re not dying today.

  12. When I was in highschool my bestfriend and I made a promotional video for the schools jazz band by playing on ‘fight club’ and calling it ‘jazz club’. I can only tell you that it was fantastic and phenomenal, our teacher though never put it on the school website OR gave it to the jazz band kids because he thought it was too ridiculous (too perfect).

  13. Ugh I seriously thought it was Thursday.

  14. … Jazz band envy…

  15. I thought it was neat that the ladies looked like ladies. That was the point, right? Not Gabe’s feelings about jazz band but his memory of his discovery of boobs and the kind of boobs he assumed jazz would lead him to? I don’t know about you gals, but that clip made my body dysmorphia go down a smidge. (Just a smidge, I do have to dance in tights later.)

  16. This is a triumph.

  17. “Booker T’s ‘Green Onions’ best groove ever, with the worst name ever. How did that happen? ‘Hey man I wrote a great song, it’s about chives’” – Adam Carolla

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