March 19, 2437

We’ve made a startling discovery about the Old World. It would seem that our dating of “the event” has been inaccurate. While it is true that the nuclear explosion that forced the survivors underground to rebuild the planet seems to have occurred sometime in the summer of 2087, our most recent finding suggests that this nuclear cataclysm was not the singular turning point in human evolution that we have assumed. Indeed, our latest discovery suggests that the world was dead much earlier.

Based on this “advertisement” for something called Shrek: The Musical, it would appear that mankind had already regressed to a primitive existence. Surely a vibrant human society with an appreciation for entertainment would not have allowed such a crude and unbearable performance to take place, much less have expected any monetary bartering or trade for the privilege. Had this show simply been a novelty, performed in the dark recesses of society’s outlying boundaries, amidst the garbage mounds and the rat-infested saloons, perhaps it would simply be a harbinger of things to come. But as a spectacle to be performed on a main thoroughfare of one of the Old World’s “Great Cities,” we must conclude that things were far worse than we’d previously intuited. Indeed, we were already doomed.

Tomorrow I hope to examine an artifact that Jones brought in late last night. It appears to be some sort of vessel the ancients used for transporting liquids. Still not sure what the strange markings on the side could mean. “Crystal Pepsi?” Strange.

Signed,
Captain Laserfart

Comments (8)
  1. To be fair, Broadway was BADLY in need of a make-ogre.

  2. *cries*

  3. The show actually premiered here in Seattle, and aside from the super annoying commercials that were on alllll the time, I think I heard it was a good show. Or at least an entertaining one.

  4. Really great job with the Captain’s Log-style commentary. That was very creative and it wasn’t just self-indulgent. What a charmingly time consuming way to rip on something stupid!

  5. can the Shrek money river run dry already? Please??

  6. I want to kill myself.

    In the face.

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