Dear the People who Saw Jack and Jill This Past Weekend,

I’m not sure who you are. Much like someone who would actually tell a political pollster, “Yes, Herman Cain is my favorite candidate and I would vote for him to be President of the United States,” your worldview and the way in which you make your decisions in this life are mysterious to me. But there are clearly lots of you! Herman Cain’s poll numbers remain unaccountably high all things considered (or even just a few of the things considered, because it keeps seeming like any one thing about him would be enough to make him go away and yet here we are) and Jack and Jill is the number 2 movie in the country, earning 26 million dollars this weekend. That’s all you guys! Whoever you are!

Normally, a movie opening at number 2 at the box office isn’t particularly big news, but this is Jack and Jill we are talking about. We all watched the same trailer, right? It’s got 3 PERCENT on RottenTomatoes. (Although, in its defense, the #1 movie in the country, Immortals, only has 38 percent on RottenTomatoes, which is not that good, I don’t think? I’m an adult so I don’t DO math anymore, because I don’t HAVE to, because having to do stuff is for children. But I think that’s not so good.) What I’m trying to point out (besides the obvious) is that with everyone having access to the same information, it is surprising that so many of you still decided that you definitely wanted to travel to a movie theater, stand in line, buy over-priced tickets (in THIS ECONOMY no less!) and then sit in the dark and watch this whole movie. The human creature is a funny thing!

But here’s what I really want to say to you:

You go, girls! This is America still, isn’t it? If you want to go see Jack and Jill you go see it! (And you did, apparently. Like crazy.) Unlike some movies that do seem like pandering, lowest-common-denominator cash-grab nonsense, Jack and Jill looks so unbelievably bad and like such a confluence of unforgivable decisions, that it’s hard to pass off as some kind of easy scheme to divorce you from your money. Even now that the movie did relatively well, the questions remain: WHY? And WHO COULD POSSIBLY WANT THIS? No, your consumerist selection of this movie on the open market remains a mystery. It’s not evident. You certainly weren’t duped by misleading information. I bet that movie was exactly as bad and/or good as it looked in the marketing materials. If you went to this movie it is strictly because you WANTED to. And while that may remain baffling and mildly disturbing to the rest of us, you can’t be mad at someone for doing what they want. (That’s not even remotely true, as a sentence. You can be so mad at people for doing what they want. It’s often horrible when people do what they want. So cruel and selfish. But we’re just talking about going to a movie. Relax.)

Life is so short. We’re each of us only allotted so many hours on this Earth, and we all do the best we can to make the most of that time in whatever way we can figure out. Some of us seem to do better than others, but we all make mistakes. We all suffer. And what is pleasing to one person is torture to another. Until finally, after the complete accumulation of all of our experiences, a silently running tally of successes and failures, we breathe our last breath. Death comes to us all. But before it does, some of us decided to see Jack and Jill for some reason. Mysteries are all around. How wonderful.

Love,
Kelly.

Comments (58)
  1. The wife and I have free movie tickets for any movie, but they expire in less than a month. We were looking over the movies that are showing now, and there was really NOTHING that both of us would want to see. There weren’t even very many that ONE of us would want to see. We did tlak about going to see Puss In Boots, even though neither of us wants to, just because it would be in IMAX and 3-D and then at least we’d be getting the most out of those tickets. But at no point did either one of us seriously entertain the notion of actually going to watch Jack And Jill, even for free.

  2. “where was the hill? with the pail of water?….what the hell did i just see?” – your grandmother at 4 o clock on friday

  3. “Posted at 10:15AM by Gabe”

    “Love, Kelly”

    WHAT IS GOING ON!!!???

  4. A fun trivia item from the imdb page:

    “Adam Sandler accidentally exposed his genitalia when he played Jill due to wearing a mini-skirt. ”

    Cool trivia, imdb. I’m going to add that to my Happy Madison trivial pursuit card collection. AND THE ACADEMY AWARD FOR BEST ACTOR GOES TO ADAM SANDLER AS JILL. SORRY RUNNERS UP ADAM SANDLER AS JACK AND ROB SCHNEIDER AS RACIST SUPPORTING CHARACTER, PROBABLY.

  5. This face, so much.

  6. Remember in Funny People how Adam Sandler played a big comic movie star who didn’t care anymore and had done a bunch of movies so schlocky that they couldn’t possibly exist in real life?

  7. Jack & Jill could be a fun movie, if you imagine that Jill is not Jack’s sister, but a figment caused by his sexual repression #repostedfromtwitter #shamelessplug #tweetatmebro

  8. Guys, I listen to conservative talk radio at work to keep myself awake (rage works better than caffeine) and I can say in all sincerity that there are MANY people who still whole-heartedly support Herman Cain. Yes, it is baffling but no it isn’t a surprise to me because these people are so vocal on the radio (haha! who listens to radio anymore?).

    I guess my point is that these people also like Jack and Jill.

  9. My 11 year old niece, upon seeing a Jack and Jill ad on the side of a bus: I can’t wait to see that!

    Rara: But it looks so stupid and silly!

    Niece: [incredulous look] Aunt Rara, I want to see it BECAUSE it looks stupid and silly.

    So. There you have it?

  10. For a second, I thought I was watching Jack & Jill this weekend, but then my dog finished his business and I picked it up off the sidewalk.

  11. Well put Gabe/Kelly. Life is too short and Adam Sandler has already taken up enough of my time.

  12. These are probably the same people who buy CDs in stores and who have landlines with answering machines. I know these people exist but I don’t know who any of them are.

  13. Remember when Adam Sandler first started making movies, and you could preface all of them with “Adam Sandler Is…?” Adam Sandler is Billy Madison. Adam Sandler is The Waterboy. Adam Sandler is Mr. Deeds. Glad to see we’re getting back to that trend.

  14. I think showing this movie in the middle of the protesters could end the OWS movement. I’m not saying I do or do not want the movement to end. I’m just saying it could end. And this could end it.

  15. I saw this movie because I really love bad movies (i have also seen zookeeper and old dogs in theaters). I forced some friends to go with me and they were very mad at me so I consider that a victory. There was a great moment where Jack dressed as Jill and impersonated Jill in order to win of Al Pacino!! It was a bigger brain buster than inception. Everyone give your hard earned money to Adam Sandman.

    • That IS a victory. You and I could never be friends, because we both understand what it truly takes to win at friendship. We would passive-aggresively fight to the death!

    • That’s pretty funny. Not as funny as the Twitter account (#ripjackandjilltwitteraccount), but still pretty funny.

      I, too, adore TERRIBLE movies. I once made an ex see a Rob Schneider movie because he lost a bet. Or I was just mad at him for not liking City of the Lost Children so I wanted him to sit through something that I assumed was more his speed.

      Passive aggressive behavior works well beyond friendships, my Internet friends.

    • When I was a resident advisor I got five guys in my dorm to go see SAHARA with me. They probably just needed to get out of the dorms for a bit. Afterwards tho, whoo-boy, they were so upset!

      Man, that was fun. I worked at a Borders at the time, and when the film came out on dvd I was able to snag a big 24″x24″ lightbox poster, and I awarded it to the guy who was the most annoyed by the film.

  16. In other news, Puss in Boots was enjoyable.

  17. All of America listens to Armond White, for some reason.

  18. I was under the impression that I was seeing “Jackin’ Jill.”

  19. Wait a second, who did write this?

    While reading this I was totally hearing Gabes “voice” because it reads so much like a Gabe “joint”. Hitting that “-Kelly” at the end was kind of jarring.

    Anyway, I love when Gabe gets all philosophical and poetical and shit while taking down some piece of cultural garbage and is one of my favorite things about this site.

  20. That wig is just the worst. Well, second to the movie itself, I’m sure.

    • And the way they keep beating Al Pacino’s career like a dead horse. That’s how the saying goes, right? I don’t know. I just keep picturing dead things after reading this film review.

  21. Two Part comment!:

    1) Wait, so, I saw Melancholia last night (spoiler alert: it is upsetting!) and when I went to look up movie times I noticed this:

    So. Yup?!

    2) On a similar note: I was at my friends house watching the Nightmare on Elm Street remake (I have really good taste, you guys) and we talked about what kind of person goes to see that movie in theaters. She said it is probably 12-14 year olds who are first just being allowed to go to the movies and the mall alone and who see anything just because it is a way to assert their independence and get out of the house. When I was 14 I saw pretty much anything too, just because. I guess that is who also goes to see Jack and Jill? Maybe? And then they go online and give it a positive review on moviefone.com?

  22. All you people who are talking trash about Jack and Jill don’t realize that movie came full range. Sandler always comes original.

  23. It’s called marijuana you guys

  24. This is late but I just saw this on Tumblr and thought it was funny

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