[Billy Crystal needs no introduction. He also doesn't need to waste his time doing an interview with us. Which is why this is a fake interview.]

Videogum: Hello, Billy Crystal.
Billy Crystal: Hiya!
VG: Let’s just get right to it. You’re the replacement host for this year’s Academy Awards after Eddie Murphy dropped out following Brett Ratner’s meltdown.
BC: I sure am, and I couldn’t be more excited.
VG: Ugh.
BC: I take it you’re less excited.
VG: What are you going to do one of those fucking medley’s again?
BC: People love my medleys.
VG: They did. 100 years ago.
BC: You’re not very nice.
VG: You’re not very relevant.
BC: First of all, the Academy Awards is a beloved institution and a tribute to the glamour and tradition of Hollywood. It’s not about jumping on whatever tween trend comes along. Who would you rather have, Justin Bieber?
VG: The worst part about everything you just said is that I doubt you even know who Justin Bieber is. You probably sent your grandson a priority letter asking him for a “hip” new reference.
BC: And if I did, what of it? He’s a sweet boy! Whip smart.
VG: You said first of all. What’s second of all?

BC: You should be so lucky to live to my age, much less to have a career that has been as successful, rewarding and long-lasting. The fact that you would be so quick not only to dismiss me, but to be rude and derogatory about it only shows your youth and how much you have yet to learn.
VG: That’s actually a pretty fair point.
BC: Whether it’s because you’re dissatisfied with your own accomplishments, or simply some misguided sense of youthful rebellion where you feel you have to tear down your heroes in order to–
VG: –Slow down, Billy Crystal. I’d hardly call you a “hero.”
BC: The point remains. Whatever you think you get out of treating other people cruelly, I promise you it’s not worth it. It makes you seem small. It makes you irrelevant.
VG: Huh. I guess I never thought about it that way.
BC: Maybe you should.
VG: Nah. You suck! The Oscars are going to suck!
BC: You’re so awful.
VG: You’re so old!
BC: Good luck with everything.
VG: SHUT UP, GRANDPA!

Billy Crystal complains about being cold and falls asleep.

Comments (25)
  1. Hey, this doesn’t have to be all bad–maybe he’ll do some jokes from City Slickers! Remember Curly? Remember the cow?

  2. “I’ll have what she’s having.”
    - Billy Crystal upon returning to the podium after Best Actress is awarded.

  3. It’s a good thing the interview was done over the Internet, so fake Billy Crystal couldn’t tell that Gabe’s actually older than him.

  4. I can’t wait to see the Oscars hosted by Billy Crystals!

  5. The reason Billy Crystal is hosting the Oscars next year is the exact reason that King’s Speech won best picture.

    Honestly, I think one of the best choices the Academy made for hosting duties in the last decade has been Peepants Jackson. It embraced the idealized version of glamor and glitz that the Academy still pathetically wishes the Oscars to be.

    • Counterpoint:

      • herman caine.

          • Herman Cain, while batshit insane, was so much more entertaining last night than Billy Crystal has ever been while hosting the Oscars.

            Think of how he could work his amazing off-the-cuff (totally prepared) rhymes into the patter! We wouldn’t even NEED Bruce Vilanch. Also, and I’m just thinking out loud right now… The show could start at nine. There will be nine segments. And everyone will be dressed to the nines.

            The Academy Award 9-9-9 plan. (I’ll see myself out.)

      • fair counter point, but i stand by my ‘lifetime pass’. when harry met sally outweighs even My Giant and Analyze That.

        confessiongum: i have a weird history of having positive childhood memories of some legendary awful movies. Mr. Saturday Night being one of them. haven’t seen it since I was 10 maybe, but i’ve been curious….i do owe my love for the work of david paymer to those memories, so i guess it’s not all bad.

  6. City Slickers 3: The Search For Relevance

  7. Well, to be fair, he is fresh off that Princess Bride reunion photo shoot. That generated insane amounts of heat.

  8. That one time at the Oscars where Billy chased Roberto Begnini around with a giant butterfly net after he finished presenting an award as a joke on how manic Begnini’s appearance was the previous year? That was pretty funny.

  9. Seriously though, I would much rather have Justin Bieber be the host than Crystal. Upgrade in the swag department and he probably knows really entertaining yo-yo/Scooter tricks.

  10. Ridiculous but FACT: Running Scared is one of my favorite 80s movies. I have probably seen it 50 times. To this day I live according to what is known as the Hot Cocoa & Ipswich Clams Law of Deuteronomy: If I discover that Running Scared is playing, I must stop and watch at least 25 minutes of it.

    It was actually showing in a theater a couple of months back and I had to go. They had a Q&A with the director and the girl afterward. I didn’t ask my Q though because I couldn’t think of any way to phrase it–e.g., “Did you realize when you were making this movie that it was the best or second-best cop buddy movie of 20 years in either direction, or did you realize that only later?”–that didn’t reveal me to be insane.

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