The Asteroids: The Movie plot line is here, THE ASTEROIDS: THE MOVIE PLOT LINE IS HERE!! Oh holy moly, you cannot wait. Before we get into it I’d like to say, it’s not as if I don’t understand the motivation behind attaching a project to a recognizable name, even it the project has very little to do with that name. That’s something I learned from The Misfits at a very young age. (GOTCHA MISFITS!) (Someone CC Jerry Only on this blog post.) It’s easier to get people interested in something if they think they’re already interested in it, duh, of course. It’s why I’m going to name my memoir “Gabe Delahaye’s Memoir.” But this Astroids movie project, which has been in the works for two entire years already and we’ve even already gotten an exclusive look at the first scene, is absolutely just the dumbest something-from-nothing that I’ve maybe ever seen in my entire life. From The Hollywood Reporter:

The studio [Universal] outbid other suitors for film rights to the simple, late-’70s Atari video game two years ago. The plotline for the film adaptation has evolved into the story of two estranged brothers that must team up to save Earth from an alien race.

You know, ASTEROIDS? The game with the shapes that you shoot at and also the obvious undercurrent of estrangement, HELLOOOOOO? Clearly this is a very on the nose choice for the plot to this ’70s videogame about shapes on a black background, but I think we can probably come up with a few that are AT LEAST just as good. Right? Let’s at least try. I’ll go first. 

  • A husband and wife are on a spaceship together and the wife becomes pregnant. Oh no! How did she become pregnant?! The husband had a vasectomy long ago and they’ve been on the ship alone together for three years! Amidst this confusion, Earth comes under attack. The couple have to put aside their growing hatred for each other and save the world. They don’t end up saving it, though, and then the baby is alien Jesus. What does it mean?!
  • The world is under attack. All the world’s governments are inches away from committing world suicide when one man steps in and tells them to hold on a second, “not so fast.” He says, “Let me give it a shot.” They say, “Well, what do we have to lose?” Then this man kills all the aliens and saves the world, and at the end he is reunited with his wife who had recently left him because of his addiction to alcohol and you realize that he wasn’t doing this for the glory of saving the world — he was doing this to win back the love of his wife, and also he has kicked the alcohol habit.
  • A baby accidentally crawls onto a spaceship and is shot into space with three fully-grown astronauts. Oh no! How did the baby get on there?! The astronauts have to figure out how to take care of a baby, together. Then they realize they ALSO have to save the world because it is under attack by asteroids. Wait. By astroids?! Malevolent asteroids?! That can’t be! OR CAN IT?

Very good! I did a great job. Now your turn, if you want! (Thanks for the tip, Huckabeast!)

Comments (39)
  1. I think that if Kelly wrote all of the scripts for all of the movies that are made the economic crisis would be totally solved. Because we all would go see those movies everyday. And then the movie studios would have tons of money and would need to make more movies. So we’d all get jobs making movies written by Kelly and everyone would jobs watch/create those movies all day everyday and the world would be perfect.

    The only thing stopping this is Kelly’s stubborn refusal to write the scripts for all of the movies that get made.

  2. They should just use the plot of Breaking Bad but with asteroids instead of meth.

  3. I don’t know, but can Topher Grace come be in our movie?

  4. You know what a movie called Asteroids should be about?

    IT SHOULD BE ABOUT ASTEROIDS.

  5. A giant asteroid is headed for earth, but the only people who know how to stop it are a bunch of deep sea oil drillers, because the best way to stop an asteroid is by digging a deep hole in it and dropping a bomb down the center. The only problem is that the head oil driller is an old, crusty fart and the best oil driller is a young, reckless raconteur who’s in love with the head oil driller’s daughter so, they have to…like, learn to trust each other? On an asteroid? I don’t know. Forget it. Stupid idea.

  6. A giant asteroid is headed to earth. Zach Braff is very depressed about this. Then he meets a very energetic young woman who shows him the joy of life even if you think that if you actually met this woman in real life she would be at best annoying and at worst kind of like a hipster Glenn Close from Fatal Attraction. Anyway, Zach Braff is happy again. But then the world ends because asteroid.

  7. Shot for shot remake of PIneapple Express, but Seth Rogen is an asteroid.

  8. Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see

  9. Man, I hope they make a movie out of my favorite 80′s video game, Discs of Tron.

  10. The three best games to turn into a movie are Asteroids, Battleship, and ah… oops!

  11. Ooh, I’ve got one! Directed by Sofia Coppola, it’s about a girl at a party. There’s nothing particularly wrong going on in her life, but she just really can’t relate to people right now, so she wants to avoid human interaction is much as she can. She starts out standing still in the middle of a large room. As people gravitate towards her, she shifts awkwardly away. When necessary she shoots people down with a bored stare or a detached, thoughtless remark. Finally the one boy at the party that has been broken down the most by her lack of interest screws up the rest of his courage and blindsides her with a big romantic gesture that she didn’t see coming. Her spaceship explodes.

  12. Kate Hudson tries to lose an asteroid in ten days.

  13. At first I thought Kelly was commenting about how The Misfits (the movie) has nothing to do with The Misfits (the band), which has always been very disappointing to me too, and I felt understood and less alone. Then I realized she was probably saying that The Misfits (the band circa 21st century) has very little relation to The Misfits (the band circa 20th century), and that made more sense, but I now feel more alone than ever…

  14. It should start this bookmark, co-starting Videogum. http://erkie.github.com/

  15. Melanie Daniels is the modern rich socialite, part of the jet-set who always gets what she wants. When lawyer Mitch Brenner sees her in a bir– ASTEROID shop, he plays something of a practical joke on her, and she decides to return the favor. She drives about an hour north of San Francisco to Bodega Bay, where Mitch spends the weekends with his mother Lydia and younger sister Cathy. Soon after her arrival, however, the ASTEROIDS in the area begin to act strangely. An ASTEROID attacks Melanie as she is crossing the bay in a small boat, and then, Lydia finds her neighbor dead, obviously the victim of an ASTEROID attack. Soon, ASTEROIDS in the hundreds and thousands are attacking anyone they find out of doors. There is no explanation as to why this might be happening, and as the ASTEROIDS continue their vicious attacks, survival becomes the priority

  16. An aging space whaler recruits a ship full of rag tag sailors to assist him in the hunt for the giant white asteroid that resulted in the explosion that took his leg. Also he is really grumpy all the time and never sits down because he has bad Hemorrhoids.

  17. Two Navy Seal CIA archeologists (ha) are playing soccer when the ball rolls down a hill into a cave. There they find an ancient asteroid with a cave painting on it of a Civil War era battleship and what looks like mountains of gold shooting out of it. They go into space to start blasting asteroids apart, hoping there is a Civil War era battleship inside one of them that they can blast apart, hoping to find gold treasures inside it.

  18. An asteroid is headed towards Earth. All of the countries of the world set aside their diferences, unite and create the perfect spaceship to destroy the asteroid. The spaceship fires a space torpedo at the asteroid. It splits into to two perfect halves. The spaceship spins around wildly, firing like 5000000 space torpedoes like an idiot and blows up the Earth on accident.

  19. If this is any indication, Lady Gaga as Ms. Pacman is going to be EPIC.

  20. A whole mess of asteroid are rushing toward the earth. Scientists invent a spaceship to shoot them out of the sky, but they can’t launch it, because they can’t transport it across the four lane highway to the launch pad! There’s too much traffic, coming from both directions! Finally, they enlist the help of a super-intelligent frog to get them across the road. But, just as they get there, they see that the launchpad has been bricked over! They notice that if they can find a pattern of missing bricks, and fill it in, the weight of the new bricks causes that whole section to collapse. So,they scramble to fit patterns of bricks into the existing wall, getting it to collapse. They’re stuck on the last row, frantically throwing bricks to and fro when finally – FINALLY – they get a straight four-brick pattern, slot it into place and collapse the last row. They roll the spaceship onto the pad, and are just about to launch. “10… 9…. 8…. 7…. 6…. 5…. 4…. 3…. 2…” when there’s a horrendous screech from the sky! They all look up, and there’s a giant dragon, hovering, then zooming quickly back and forth, blocking the sky. There’s no way to shoot him down, so one of the scientists dresses up like a knight with a lance, then hops on the back of a flying ostrich, and stabs the dragon in the mouth. Just in time! Whew! The scientists go to a bar to relax, but the bartender keeps sliding beers at them, and they have to run back and forth to grab them before the beers crash to the ground. That’s a terrible bar. Anyway, they successfully send up the ship and destroy the asteroids. Just as they getting ready to go home and get some sleep, they see a snake on the stairs, heading toward them, and they realize, to their horror, that they can’t walk any more, but can only jump! And only diagonally! Cut to credits.

    • After credits sequence:
      The two scientists jump to safety from the snakes. All of a sudden one they didn’t see pops up out from behind a rock. As It springs at them, fangs bared, it freezes, inflates, and pops. A guy named Dug emerges from a hole in the ground, tells them their asteroid work was impressive, then warns them of getting cocky. Then he asks if they’ve heard of the Galaga Initiative. L O S T

  21. You guys! I figured it out. They should do a remake of this video game!!

    http://videogum.com/169072/thats-your-video-game-mean-girls-the-game/video-games/

    Think about. What a great game. What a great movie!!

  22. Werner Herzog’s ASTEROIDS: A three-sided spaceship with a lone pilot is surrounded by asteroids. Where did they come from? Where will they end? What do these ineluctable geodenizens of the void want? We don’t know. But they represent the fragments of a planet that was, of home, of memory itself, which always we shoot at in order that we might render its pieces smaller, more manageable, even to destroy them utterly before they close in and destroy us. Yet if we were to destroy them all, what then? The void? It is a moot question; the asteroids always come. Our pilot knows he will one day make a mistake, perhaps the smallest mistake, perhaps a mistake that secretly he wished to make, and he will die. But, like God, perhaps, he will find he has three lives.

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