The Asteroids: The Movie plot line is here, THE ASTEROIDS: THE MOVIE PLOT LINE IS HERE!! Oh holy moly, you cannot wait. Before we get into it I’d like to say, it’s not as if I don’t understand the motivation behind attaching a project to a recognizable name, even it the project has very little to do with that name. That’s something I learned from The Misfits at a very young age. (GOTCHA MISFITS!) (Someone CC Jerry Only on this blog post.) It’s easier to get people interested in something if they think they’re already interested in it, duh, of course. It’s why I’m going to name my memoir “Gabe Delahaye’s Memoir.” But this Astroids movie project, which has been in the works for two entire years already and we’ve even already gotten an exclusive look at the first scene, is absolutely just the dumbest something-from-nothing that I’ve maybe ever seen in my entire life. From The Hollywood Reporter:
The studio [Universal] outbid other suitors for film rights to the simple, late-’70s Atari video game two years ago. The plotline for the film adaptation has evolved into the story of two estranged brothers that must team up to save Earth from an alien race.
You know, ASTEROIDS? The game with the shapes that you shoot at and also the obvious undercurrent of estrangement, HELLOOOOOO? Clearly this is a very on the nose choice for the plot to this ’70s videogame about shapes on a black background, but I think we can probably come up with a few that are AT LEAST just as good. Right? Let’s at least try. I’ll go first.
- A husband and wife are on a spaceship together and the wife becomes pregnant. Oh no! How did she become pregnant?! The husband had a vasectomy long ago and they’ve been on the ship alone together for three years! Amidst this confusion, Earth comes under attack. The couple have to put aside their growing hatred for each other and save the world. They don’t end up saving it, though, and then the baby is alien Jesus. What does it mean?!
- The world is under attack. All the world’s governments are inches away from committing world suicide when one man steps in and tells them to hold on a second, “not so fast.” He says, “Let me give it a shot.” They say, “Well, what do we have to lose?” Then this man kills all the aliens and saves the world, and at the end he is reunited with his wife who had recently left him because of his addiction to alcohol and you realize that he wasn’t doing this for the glory of saving the world — he was doing this to win back the love of his wife, and also he has kicked the alcohol habit.
- A baby accidentally crawls onto a spaceship and is shot into space with three fully-grown astronauts. Oh no! How did the baby get on there?! The astronauts have to figure out how to take care of a baby, together. Then they realize they ALSO have to save the world because it is under attack by asteroids. Wait. By astroids?! Malevolent asteroids?! That can’t be! OR CAN IT?
Very good! I did a great job. Now your turn, if you want! (Thanks for the tip, Huckabeast!)