Gabe: hey, kelly, what’s up?
Kelly: Oh hey Gabe nm
Kelly: Is anything up with you
Gabe: nope ok see you later
Kelly: wait
Kelly: COME BACK
Gabe: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Kelly: I thought of something that’s up
Kelly: Ok so
Kelly: The Advertising Standards Authority in the UK has recently banned an ad
Kelly: For Marc Jacob’s “Oh, Lola!” perfume
Gabe: let me stop you right there
Gabe: this is America, Kelly
Kelly: Well sure
Gabe: so what are we even talking about here?
Gabe: if you don’t want to live here, GET DEPORTED
Kelly: It features an American actress?
Gabe: hmmm, go on
Kelly: Ok, so, it features young AMERICAN starlet Dakota Fanning with a big perfume bottle between her legs with a flower on it
Gabe: gorgeous
Kelly: I know, right
Gabe: what’s the problem?

Kelly: The Advertising Standards Authority is saying that it sexualizes children
Kelly: EVEN THOUGH
Kelly: Even though Dakota Fanning was 17 when she took the photos.
Kelly: Can you even believe the gaul?
Gabe: wait, what’s wrong with sexualizing children?
Gabe: jk jkjkjkjkjkjkkj
Gabe: DON’T ARREST ME, POLICE
Kelly: Too late already pressed the gross button underneath the desk
Kelly: “You’re out of here!”
Kelly: “Strike three!”
Gabe: is that the noise it makes?
Gabe: when you push it?
Gabe: it says “you’re outta here?”
Gabe: kind of a corny button, kelly
Gabe: cool desk
Kelly: It’s not like you can record your own message WHERE ARE THE POLICE?
Kelly: I guess maybe it will take a few minutes
Gabe: the real question about this whole thing
Gabe: is who wants to be more like Dakota Fanning?
Kelly: <-----
Gabe: ha
Gabe: of course you do
Kelly: Duh she’s BLONDE
Gabe: good point
Kelly: But go on, why is that the real question
Gabe: oh, i just think she’s a funny spokesperson to have for anything
Kelly: Hahah oh ok
Kelly: Yes, true
Kelly: But Marc Jacobs ALSO recently signed her sister on for his Marc by Marc Jacobs ad campaign
Kelly: So maybe he just has a weird Fanning thing

Gabe: so it was like a package deal, is what you’re saying
Kelly: Or that
Gabe: i mean, the truth is
Gabe: like, OK, placing a giant perfume bottle between her legs
Gabe: is definitely a POWERFUL CHOICE to make
Kelly: Very provocative.
Gabe: but, like, putting a child in a perfume commercial in any way whatsoever
Gabe: is kind of sexualizing children
Gabe: what the fuck does a little girl need with perfume?

Kelly: Oh, yeah. That is true.
Gabe: case closed
Kelly: Hahah. The end.
Kelly: You should fax that over to the Advertising Standards Authority and CC Marc Jacobs
Gabe: i certainly have no problem with censoring a marc jacobs perfume ad
Kelly: Sure
Gabe: but, like, most advertising
Gabe: should probably just be banned
Gabe: i’m not sure that this one is that much more egregious than
Gabe: well, i was about to say American Apparel, but it’s not like anyone thinks American Apparel ads are OK
Gabe: i mean, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE THOSE ADS!
Gabe: but you know
Kelly: Yeah
Kelly: So let’s say this was not an ad and just a photo from a magazine
Kelly: With Dakota Fanning and a huge flower bottle between her legs
Kelly: WHAT THEN?
Gabe: we’d probably have different hair cuts and speak with English accents
Gabe: because that is some Sliding Doors shit
Gabe: that you are proposing
Gabe: i mean, magazines get in “trouble” all the time for this kind of thing
Gabe: but this is AMERICA
Gabe: which brings me back to my original question: why are you talking to me about this?
Gabe: ROYALIST?!
Kelly: I don’t know I just thought maybe you were British? You seem REAL British sometimes
Kelly: I was just trying to connect
Kelly: Feel it out kind of. Like, hey, look at this story about the UK
Kelly:
Kelly: ?
Gabe: you’re fired

Comments (54)
  1. Are the Fanning sisters competing for Most Worrisome Minor, or what?

    • Or maybe they are just irresistible to predators? I mean, I’m not pointing fingers at Marc Jacobs himself (or maybe I kind of am?), but SOMEONE at that organization has to be a little off-kilter to even tap Dakota Fanning for a freaking WOMEN’S PERFUME AD in the first place.

      And then for that someone or maybe a different someone to just be like, “Hey, why don’t you try putting the bottle with the giant virginity emblem between your legs, Dakota? We won’t use it for the ad, this is just for my personal collection… I mean, for fun! Get it? It’s just wackiness! Let’s be wacky!”

      AND THEN THEY DID USE IT FOR THE AD!!!

      • 1 unit of Real Talk, thought: Dakota Fanning is a college student of legal age. You may have gotten to know her as a child & , while she may not have gone the Miley Cyrus route of asserting her adulthood REAL HARD, she’s still an adult. It’s kind of not her problem that you still for some reason think she’s a child even though you’re presumably familiar w/ the concept of the passage of time.

        She’s greater than or equal to a lot of models, age-wise. Plenty of very sexy bikini models & underwear models. So, it’s fine? Also, is pretending you have a giant flower cock more sexualizing or more plain hilarious? Food for thought.

        But Elle Fanning is a tiny child who shouldn’t be sexualized (although her ad… not really sexual. Maybe to some weirdo Riverside Park fetishists or something). I think people get confused b/c she’s tall.

        • That is true, but I think it’s still valid to say that there’s something a little up with the director of branding at Marc Jacobs, since whoever that is, they purposefully selected an actress who got her start as a child actress, who still *looks* very, very young, and who is representing a perfume called “Oh, Lola.” I don’t know, maybe it’s maybe? Maybe you’re NOT supposed to look at that whole set up and think “Lolita”?

          Maybe there’s something up with me, I’ll accept that.

          • No, it’s a fair point. It seems like a trend, this cross-pollination of little-girly & sexy.

            I blame Zooey Deschanel for this!

          • @ Banana:

            Except the Dakota Fanning ad doesn’t make me think “Oh, great, more adorkability, just what we needed!” It makes me think “Oh noes, creepy!”

            The infantilization of grown women is annoying and enraging in a different way, personally speaking.

        • I’m not faulting Dakota here, guy! But come on, it’s pretty obvious she was selected precisely for her childlike appearance/innocent look. Besides, she’s not even 18 yet. So, in keeping with my admittedly weak grasp on the concept of the passage of time, not even technically an adult (even though that doesn’t really mean anything in this context).

      • Good point well made.

    • Seriously, where are the Fanning parents? Are they paying even a little bit of attention to their children?

  2. If you think that’s bad: Taylor Momsen just signed an ad contract for the new perfume “running into a Barnes and Noble drunk and rubbing a copy of a fashion magazine with perfume ads over your body instead of showering.”

  3. Ok, Marc Jacobs perfume ads in general I find odd

    WHO RIDES PANTSLESS WITH A GIANT ASS PERFUME BOTTLE? It seems that they are marketing towards a very niche group.

  4. Please keep doing these. Pretty much the best things ever.

  5. The whole “18 is legal” thing is so artificial. I regularly have this conversation with people.

    Person: “Whoa! Check out that hot young girl!”
    Me: “Wow! Tell me, please, that she’s at least 18 and a day.”
    Person: “What?”
    Me: “Well, 18, so she’s legal.”
    Person: “And the ‘and a day’ part?”
    Me: “Well, I don’t want to jerk off to her on her birthday. That’s her special day.”

    • Oh, and “artificial, but necessary” just so you know where I stand. I have an 18 year old daughter, for christ rash’s sake. I really think some girls are mature at 17 (not MY baby girl, mind you, but maybe, say, this Fanning gal) and others aren’t. Maybe she should be able to decide that this is appropriate behavior for her (again, Fanning, NOT my girl, who is sweet and innocent and probably asked us for birth control because she likes the clever packaging.) But the law can’t be written like that, and we need laws to protect those that aren’t mature enough to protect themselves. So, 18 is arbitrary, but necessary, since we can’t make decisions on a case-by-case basis, and since we feel the need to protect children from sexuality.

    • that’s ahh……uhhh….that’s a little too casual..

      “who are we kidding? everyone wants to fuck young girls. that’s why there’s a law.” – marc maron

  6. OK, so which classic comedy duo do Gabe and Kelly remind everyone of?

  7. Smells like teen Esprit D’Oscar.

  8. Apparently the perfume is a hit in South Dakota.

  9. Marc Jacobs is currently in talks to do a “Toddlers in Tiaras” spin off call “Petites in Perfume.” (wow, that even grossed me out)

  10. Hey Kelly…

  11. Please tell me that Kelly gets fired at the end of every one of these articles. Not that I want Kelly fired, but I just think it’s a funny joke.

  12. I never believe the gauls. Dirty, lying Frenchmen, all of them.

  13. “Oh, grandma!” – Tagalog

  14. Who is it that makes all this stuff again? I can’t seem to find the name anywhere…

  15. Don’t forget to not remember that Fanning was doing these ads when she was Not a girl, not yet a War of the Worlds woman too. So. This one’s less seedy?

  16. These chats are great and have made me decide that Gabe and Kelly should get married! If in fact they are two separate people!!

  17. I will admit, the first thing I noticed was not that there is a box of ‘whatever’ situated between her legs. The first thing I noticed was how her elbow is awkwardly bent the wrong way.

    Kinda weirds me out…

  18. “Can you even believe the Gaul?”–Julius Caesar, 58 BC

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