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In an open letter to the “Entertainment Industry,” Brett Ratner, your boyfriend, apologized for all the hurtful things he has said over the past couple of weeks, and resigned from producing this year’s Oscars. Oh no! Now who will produce the Oscars as if we’ve ever known or cared who produces the Oscars in our whole lives?!
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Much better than his first draft:
Dear Oscar Dudes,
Producing awards shows is for fags. I’m out, bitches.
Peace,
Ratty B
Second draft:
Yo Oscar geeks,
I banged all yr statues.
<3,
Bro Ratner
Third Draft:
Dear Osqueers,
I’m takin the Chris Tucker skit and shrimp bar w/ me. Pooped on your building.
- Ratdog
Michael Bay. I don’t watch the Oscars and rarely watch his movies, but I’d watch the hell out of that paring.
Yes please! Giant Oscar statues killing celebrities! Car chases down the aisle? An inexplicable Blue Man Group performance?
Let’s do this!
Oh no, you’re thinking of the support group. I made that same mistake myself
every award show needs an inexplicable blue man group performance… preferably against a backdrop of even more inexplicable explosions that send shia leboeuf hurtling out over the audience. If he lands on your lap, you lose.
I’d watch that.
SOMEONE’S about to announce a very special duet with Elton John that makes him not homophobic by some bizarre entertainment logic!!!
It’s ok, it’s cool. We talked it over, and we decided we’d be staying with my parents for a little bit. Just a few weeks, a month tops. At the very most, six months. I mean, it’s cute when he motorboats my mom*. They love having us around.
*I am very sorry for this, mom. If you stumble upon this post, and figure out that I am me, just know that your birthday gift is going to be crazy awesome to make up for whatever mental distress this comment caused.
I know right? Don’t you wish there was a way to demarcate internet space into “parent land” and “people my age” land?
Once upon a time, there was. Then you stopped needing a college e-mail address to register for Facebook, and that’s when the Farmville requests started.
I sincerely hope that my mother wouldn’t even know what motorboating is. It was bad enough when I went to Macaroni Grill with her and she was excited to let me know that her co-worker had just explained to her the concept of a “pink sock.”
I had to explain what teabagging was.
It…it’s not a good memory.
Well that makes my experience of my dad taking me out to dinner and then asking me what a booty call is much less traumatizing by comparison.
If Eddie Murphy bows out as Oscar host in solidarity, I have a very special and hilarious suggestion that will make us forget this homophobic NIGHTMARE.
Ladies and gentlemen, your host, “30 Rock” star Tracy Morg–oh, nuts.
Let’s have Tim & Eric produce the Oscars. This seems about as good a time as any to line that up.
James Franco should produce after his stellar hosting job last year.
I actually enjoyed the Franco compared to his co-star… WHOM I WILL NOT EVEN NAME.
Herman Cain
Nooooooo!
Like… producing the Oscar statues? There won’t be an Oscars now because Brett Ratner didn’t make the Oscar statues in this big Oscar statue forge? What?
What’s going on here, this Brett Butler post has been open for comments for 15 minutes, and I have seen not two, not one, but zero gifs of a dude giving a double blowjob. Guys, I’m going to get fired if I don’t start seeing some double blowjobs up here.
What the hell, I can reply to comments correctly too? I miss the old new double blowjob B-Rat no-reply design.
“Resigning is for fags” – British Cigarettes
I’ll produce the Oscars. I have no prior experience, but I love the Oscars and have always wanted to attend. Pick me!
Haha, you love the Oscars. That’s your award show.
OHH. I think I know what happened.
Brett, in preparation for Eddie’s Oscar hosting duties, went and inundated himself with Eddie’s stand-up specials. He probably had Delirious on a loop for days right before he went to that infamous Q&A, and had Eddie’s gay AIDS and gay Mr. T jokes running through his head.
The rest, as they say, is herstory.