A hundred years ago, I went to the movies with some friends of mine and there was a trailer for the Joe Pesci, Danny Glover vehicle Gone Fishin’. In the trailer, Joe Pesci and Danny Glover leave on a fishing trip and, oh brother, do things get out of hand. I think they blow up a Toxic Waste Dump, and they crash a boat, and everyone’s hair catches on fire, and all the fish are dead, and God comes down and wipes the face of the Earth clean and starts over. Basically. But there is one scene where the two of them are sitting around a campfire and Joe Pesci says, “Well, at least things couldn’t possibly get any worse.” Two seconds later, there is a crash of thunder and a lightning bolt and it starts pouring rain on them, soaking them to the bone and putting out their fire. (At this point, my friend Andrew laughed very loudly and shouted “HE SAID IT WASN’T GOING TO GET ANY WORSE, BUT THEN IT DID!” because my friend Andrew is the best.) The point of this story is that sometimes you think you have hit bottom but you haven’t hit bottom, and in fact you don’t even know what bottom is but you are about to find out. That is how I feel about this show up until last night’s episode and then after last night’s episode. Because WHAT A TERRIBLE EPISODE! Theoretically you could argue that more happened on last night’s episode than the one where they spent 45 minutes walking around the woods looking for a little girl that they STILL haven’t found (good God, let’s just assume she’s dead and ALL OF US move on) but the things that did happen were way more annoying. But, OK, so let’s talk about them:
The highway gang finally arrives at the farm. (Again, I would argue that driving a motorcycle through a Zombie Apocalypse Wasteland when we’ve already been told repeatedly that the “walkers” are sensitive to sound is a very stupid thing to do, and if I was Herschel I would be so pissed, but he doesn’t say shit, so I guess it’s fine.) Dale asks how Carl is doing and Lori bitch faces that he’s going to survive (seriously, her faces this week are UNREAL) and everyone hugs. And I mean, everyone. Seriously?
And now it is time to bury the fat man. Well, not bury him, but definitely make a pile of rocks in his memory. The good doctor says that the fat man “died as he lived. Running from zombies and then being betrayed by a stranger and eaten alive.” He asks Shane to speak, but Shane tries to get out of it by saying he’s not good at it. Uh, what you’re not good at, Shane, is keeping your fucking face in check. This guy. Never tell him a secret because he will just write it all over his face. The fat man’s wife says that Shane has to speak so that she knows that her husband’s death had meaning. Ha! You live in a nightmare world, population: 5. His death definitely didn’t have meaning? Grow up. Shane says something about how the fat man gave his life to save Shane and therefore also save Carl, and how for that reason alone he didn’t die in vain. Right. Shane, even YOU hate yourself. Shane puts a rock on the pile and the pile bursts into flames and Shane’s face melts off as he shrieks “LIAR! LIARRRRRRR!” Who cares.
The farmer’s daughter brings out a surveyor’s map of the area with this huge grin on her face.
Isn’t it exciting to think of all the terrifying, lonely places that little girl could be hiding?! The doctor tells Grimes that he can’t go because he’s given too much blood. And Shane’s ankle is broke, so he is also out. That leaves Daryl to do another sweep. Bye Daryl! Shane says they need to carry guns. The doctor says he’d rather not have any guns on his property. Wait, what? I mean, no, sure. No guns. Except hasn’t everyone been carrying guns around the whole time? Didn’t Grimes give the fat man his gun for no reason? (And on that note, how did Grimes get his gun back?! He just plops it out like it is not even a thing.) And later Andrea will complain about how she wants a gun and Shane will be like “you don’t even know how to clean one, but I’ll teach you,” so she PULLS A GUN OUT OF HER PANTS. So she already had a gun? WHAT IS GOING ON WITH THE GUNS?!
Shane and Lori run into each other outside of the RV and immediately draw down on each other in a Mexican Stand-off. Suddenly, both guns go off. Two dead. (Shane asks Lori if she really meant it when she asked him to stay with the group. UGH! Is he 12? She says she meant it. Are we really supposed to be interested in what might happen between Lori and Shane? This is the worst couple since Sammi and Ronnie on Jersey Shore.) I hope she DOES fuck him, and I hope Grimes finds out and kills EVERYONE.
And here is where things start getting REAL infuriating. Dale walks up to the farmer’s daughter and asks her what the water situation is. She says that there are five wells on the property, and points him towards one that’s nearby. Him and T-Dog walk over and start filling up jugs and making boring chit chat (“can you believe this zombie weather zombie today zombies?”) when Dale hears something and knocks the ladle (everyone looooooves drinking out of a ladle all of a sudden) out of T-Dog’s hand and says not to drink the water. It turns out there’s a big old fat zombie that done fell in the well. Everyone gathers around and determines that what they need to do is get the zombie out alive in order to possibly save the integrity of the well. But they need live bait. So they send Glenn down, and the rope almost breaks, and Glen almost dies, but he doesn’t, and they save him, and he roped the zombie, so they pull the zombie out, but up at the top the zombie gets stuck and then his body rips in half and the guts fall down into the water so it was all for NOTHING and they have to seal up the well anyway. Oh no! Except, can we go back to the beginning when she said THERE WERE FIVE WELLS ON THE PROPERTY?! The fuck? Why did we just spend all day dealing with this well when there were FOUR OTHER WELLS TO CHOOSE FROM?! Also, if Dale knocked the ladle out of T-Bone’s hand because there was a chance that the water wasn’t safe to drink, how exactly were they going to tell if the water was safe once they got the zombie out? Obviously, the whole point of this scene was just that the special effects team had big special effects boners for tearing a fat zombie in half, but GOOD GOD! SOME OF US ARE HUMAN BEINGS WITH HOPES AND DREAMS AND GOALS TO ACHIEVE BEFORE WE DIE! HOW MUCH TIME DO YOU THINK WE ARE GIVEN ON THIS EARTH!?
Meanwhile, the doctor takes Grimes out to survey the land and starts marveling at how beautiful it is and the hand of God and shit. Good grief. I’m sorry, because I know that in the face of unspeakable horror there probably is something immensely comforting in taking a quiet, relatively safe moment to look out over a beautiful vista, but do not bring God into it. He asks Grimes if he didn’t feel the hand of God when he came out of the hospital alive and then also was reunited with his family, and it’s just like, YOU KNOW THAT MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE DEAD, RIGHT? It’s just so OFFENSIVE. God saved the six of you? Why? You’re all the fucking WORST! This is even more offensive than that time that Star Jones said that God saved her from the Indonesian Tsunami. SMITE HER! Grimes says that he doesn’t mess with God anymore because the last time he asked God for a favor, Carl got shot. UH, YOU MEAN THREE DAYS AGO? “I don’t mess with God anymore. Not since Tuesday.” Whatever, Grimes. Whatever, doctor. Whatever, GOD.
Daryl finds a scary farmhouse and it looks like Sophia stayed there but she’s not there. He also finds a flower that he later gives to Sophia’s mother along with some wikipedia entry on flowers. Daryl is quickly becoming the most sympathetic character on this show, mostly by doing things that don’t match his character whatsoever. Convenient!
Glen and the farmer’s daughter ride horses into the city to get antibiotics from the store. Lori asks Glen to get her a feminine hygiene product but then won’t say what it is, and she hands Glen a piece of paper with it written down and Glen is like “What is it? Where should I look?” Later we will find out (SPOILER ALERT) that it’s a pregnancy test, which makes that part hilarious. Like, she didn’t write down pregnancy test? She wrote down a name brand?!?! DURING A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE? Even then, when Glen was confused, she wouldn’t just say “pregnancy test”? Because he had to get her a name brand one? Such a stupid scene. YOU GUYS HAVE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT, LORI, YOU CUCKOLDING WHORE! (I was talking to someone on Friday and we were agreeing that Lori should have just been honest from the beginning because if ever there was a time where there were other issues in one’s relationship, namely raw survival against all odds, maybe a weird, panic-induced, end of the world forest fuck wouldn’t be the end of your marriage, you know?) Glen finds the “Feminine Hygiene” section at the store. It’s right next to the HARDWARE SECTION?!
He has two seconds of trouble finding whatever Lori’s mystery product is (it’s a pregnancy test) but then he finds it, and thank God they had her BRAND. But then the farmer’s daughter walks up (she was literally gone for zero minutes) and surprises him and he gets nervous and says he was looking for a box of condoms and then she is like “Oh, I’ll fuck you,” and he is like “Why?!” Hahha. Aww. Poor Glen. And then she says, “Options are limited these days.” OUCH! WHAT A PRIZE! She’s a keeper Glen. Because there aren’t a lot of keepers anymore? Oh well, at least Glen finally got it wet. We’ve all been pulling for him to dip his wick. (Gross. Sorry. Still not worse than this show, though.)
Earlier in the episode, the doctor tells Grimes that after Carl is recovered and they find Sophia (Ha! As IF!) he expects that they will all be moving on. “We have to be clear on this,” he says, and then immediately walks away before waiting to see if they are clear on it? Sure. Now Grimes tells him to reconsider. He explains that if the old man knew what it was like out there he wouldn’t ask them to leave. Then they talk about dads or something, and the doctor says that he’ll consider it. Wait, so, we spent 10 whole minutes being worried that they would have to leave the farm but now they probably won’t have to leave the farm? Good drama. Definitely a good use of our time, and so glad they didn’t just have the doctor tell them that they could stay. Mix it up! Have fun with it! “There are aspects to this that I can’t and won’t discuss,” the doctor says. Good God. This show is worse than Lost! At least Lost pretended like they were going to answer all the questions at the end of the day. This one is just like “Here is a secret, and I cannot ever tell you what it is, for no apparent reason.”
Grimes gives Carl his hat. There’s 15 minutes right there.
And Lori goes out into a field with a knife and takes a pregnancy test. It has instantaneous results? Must be one of these new-fangled pregnancy tests that the zombies invented. (Seriously, for as long as this show spends on so many dead-end boring plots that go nowhere and endless anti-climactic beats, you’d think they could have given the pregnancy test an extra 15 seconds to actually WORK?) She’s pregnant. She starts crying. It is almost as if no one on this show ever even remembers that their lives are meaningless because the world is over! Someone should tell them. Or shoot them.
Next week: Daryl’s brother comes back I think? Also there is a zombie. And Lori and Shane refuse to just get a room already.