How mad are you guys that Hollywood hasn’t done a Carmen Sandiego reboot? “Give us what we want, Hollywood!” That’s you guys. “We want a Carmen Sandiego reboot!” This is your Occupy Wall Street, I’m sure. “Down with an exploitative society in which there is an unequal distribution of Carmen Sandiego reboots!” Sheesh. Relax! Look! From Deadline:

Walden Media has acquired rights to turn Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? into a live-action film involving Jennifer Lopez. I’d heard that Walden Media will develop the property as a vehicle for Lopez to play the title character, but Walden Media said at this point, she’s attached to produce only. The hope is to turn the property into National Treasure meets The Thomas Crown Affair. The logline: When the ACME agency’s greatest detective Carmen Sandiego becomes the world’s greatest thief, it’s up to her former partner to follow her clues and track her down. Their cat-and-mouse game leads the partner to confront a greater mystery: Is Carmen really a thief or a hero?

I can understand wanting to make another National Treasure. That movie was very successful for some reason. But how are you going to list The Thomas Crown Affair as your inspiration. If only. Also, how is Jennifer Lopez NOT going to be Carmen Sandiego at this point? Girl, get your head right. Produce. Produce THIS. Jennifer Lopez produce. Ha! I bet the studios love that. “If you want someone to make sure a project runs smoothly and comes in under budget, get Jennifer Lopez to produce it. She’s all business.” Give me a break. PUT ON THE TRENCHCOAT AND THE HAT AND DROP YOUR CLUES ABOUT COFFEE BEAN EXPORTS AND FLAG COLORS AND DISAPPEAR INTO THE STREETS OF ISTANBUL, JENNIFER LOPEZ.

Meanwhile these guys are just like, “OK, boys, this is why we have continued to practice twice a day for the past 30 years. We knew this call would come and it finally has. Let’s drink some hot water with honey and get some rest. We’re gonna need it!”.

Where in the world is the person who thinks this is a good idea, that’s what I want to know! LOLOLOL! If you need me, you know where to find me.


Comments (53)
  1. #NataleeHolloway4CarmenSandiego

  2. off-topic:

    Infinite Jest Bookgum has begun!

  3. Fuck yeah Carmen Sandiego movie! Hopefully this will go the way of the current slew of board game movies, and we’ll get to see James Franco dying of Dysentery in Oregon Trail.

  4. BNPG:

    What is J-Lo San Diego going to steal?

  5. Justin Beiber IS Rockapella

  6. Love Don’t Cost A Thing (If You Steal It)

  7. GUYS. We are all missing the obvious. Of COURSE Jennifer Lopez should be Carmen Santiago, pursues by a dogged detective played by George Clooney! It could be the reverse sequel to Out of Sight. Finally, our long national nightmare of not having a reverse sequel to Out of Sight will be over!

  8. That show made me happier than you’ll ever know.

    I even got Greg Lee’s autograph. on a hat. I got Greg Lee’s autograph on a hat.

  9. The complete list of the things she stole in the computer game, my fondest form of the Carmen Sandiego franchise: Here, via Wikipedia, is a complete list of fifty things that Carmen Sandiego stole in Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?:

    The Khyber Pass
    The Steps To The Tango
    The Baton Used To Lead The Vienna Boys Choir
    The Fish From Half Of Lake Titicaca
    The Plans For This Year’s Carnival
    The Silver Pagoda
    The Game Winning Puck From The First Stanley Cup Championship
    The Strait Of Magellan
    The Keys To The Forbidden City
    Havana’s Best Cigars
    Hans Christian Andersen’s Writing Desk
    The Nile River Delta
    The Gargoyles From Notre Dame Cathedral
    The Keys From Beethoven’s First Piano
    The Olympic Flame
    The Best Coffee
    All The Goulash
    Gandhi’s Glasses
    The Island Of Bali
    The Presidential Palace’s Finest Rug
    The Salt From The Dead Sea
    The Sistine Chapel’s Ceiling
    The Snow From Atop Mt Fuji
    Nairobi International Airport
    Every Last Drop Of Salsa
    The Abominable Snowman
    The Dykes
    All The Kiwi Birds
    The Delta Of The Niger River
    The Controls For The Panama Canal
    The Headwaters Of The Amazon River
    A Monkey-Eating Eagle
    The Trans-Siberian Railroad
    The Middle Of The Trans Arabian Pipeline
    The Statue Of Sir Stamford Raffles
    The Cape Of Good Hope
    The Secret Recipe For Kimchee
    The Bulls From Pamplona
    The Court Stage From Drottingholm Palace
    The Ngorongoro Crater
    The King’s Siamese Cat
    Every Anchovy From The Black Sea
    The Keys To The Tower Of London
    The Statue Of Liberty’s Torch
    The Mekong River
    The Zaire River Ferry

  10. Do bartenders still have to ring the bell when they get a tip at Friday’s? I haven’t been there since I school (excluding airports). I always thought that was silly, but not nearly as silly as making people at Coldstone Creamery sing when they got a tip. Making them sing was an insult rather than a tip.

    • I did not know they did that. I think the last time I went to Friday’s was in grade school for my birthday. I made my parents promise they wouldn’t ask the waiters to sing happy birthday….Not only did the waiters sing happy birthday. Afterwards, the most flared-out waiter screams, “NOW WE’RE GOING TO DO IT BACKWARDS!!” at which point the waiters turned their backs to us and sang happy birthday forwards (a 2nd time; good gag!).

  11. Oh my god I’m so excited for the modern updated theme song sung by Jennifer Lopez ft. the rapper that will inevitably co-star in the movie.

  12. I have a hard time imagining how they would have done this with Sandra Bullock.
    “I’m driving a bus with a bomb on it to a place where four Presidents are immortalized in stone. And I’m wearing QUIRKY BOOTS”

  13. She’s already schilling for Fiat, Kohl’s, and Venus razors — WHERE is J-Lo going to find the time to star in this movie?

  14. Is anyone else disturbed by the fact that a children’s franchise is being turned into a movie inspired by the Thomas Crowne Affair? There’s lots of nakey and sex in that movie. I guess sex is the best way to steal someones Seoul in South Korea.

  15. I’m still Carmen from the block.

  16. I have seen Rockapella four times, and that is always their encore.

  17. That video is so long.

    • Seriously, oof. They can’t pan to the audience at the end because it would reveal a bunch of suicides.

      Well, maybe they pan to the audience. I didn’t watch. I let it play as a soundtrack while I read the comments, and I imagined the Fly Girls dancing to it.

  18. I’m still waiting for Selena Dos.

  19. I’m holding out for the King’s Quest IV videogame movie.

  20. True Story: This year for Halloween, I WAS Carmen Sandiego. I found myself waiting for a streetcar, as a master villainess does. A cab rolls up to the red light and inside it is Waldo. Of Where’s Waldo fame. I IMMEDIATELY start gesturing for him to roll down his window. Alas he is faaaaarrrrrr too drunk. His friend rolls down the window and I go “THERE YOU ARE!” All exasperated, like. And he’s all “Buh?” His friend says “Dude. It’s Carmen Sandiego! She found you!” The friend was dressed like Finding Nemo. So if anybody was looking, we were all at Queen and Spadina in Toronto for, like, two minutes on Oct. 29.

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