Oh, Scarlett Johansson. Your career hasn’t been flawless. You’ve certainly had a few hiccups, like the time you recorded an album of Tom Waits covers, or the time your phone got hacked and your nude photos were released to the public. But even the hiccups are something to be jealous of. Who wouldn’t like to record an album of Tom Waits covers? That would be very fun. And your nude photos — I did look at them, I apologize, but I honestly couldn’t help it because sometimes Google Reader shows you things that would otherwise be after the jump. So I did look at them, and they looked very nice. Plus, in your recent interview with Vanity Fair, you handled the matter — saying they were for your then-husband Ryan Reynolds and that there was nothing wrong with that — with a poise and grace that I’m sure would have come across even better if we could’ve heard it coming straight from your deep, fancy voice. But what you mentioned before that, in the same interview, is what really got to me. What are you trying to do to us, the normal public? All of our insides have already turned to ash because of how they’ve been burning with jealousy for so long, and we’re already all dead because of it. So why couldn’t you have kept this bit to yourself? From Vanity Fair:

She also discusses her friendship with Woody Allen, spawned by their shared tendency toward hypochondria and, subsequently, shared Purell. “He shakes a lot of hands,” Johansson explains. “I’ll squirt some in my hand and then squirt in his.” She also has a bizarre penchant for diagnosing him. “The only reason why Woody and I are still friends is because I’ve diagnosed all kinds of his skin tags, lesions, ailments. I’ve prescribed things for Woody that he’s then asked his doctor to prescribe for him.”

DIAGNOSING WOODY ALLEN’S SKIN TAGS? You have got to be kidding me, woman! THE SEXIEST JOB IN THE WORLD? That guy made Radio Days and now you, a beautiful young starlet, are diagnosing his skin tags and prescribing him medication that he then asks his doctor for (????), AKA the sexiest job in the world, like it’s just nothing at all. Well, I’ve had enough. I thought that if your being the spokesperson for that brand of champagne, MY FAVORITE DRINK, couldn’t finally break through the too-much-jealousy wall, nothing could. But this is it. Keep your Woody Allen lesion and skin tag stories to yourself. I’ve had enough.

Comments (26)
  1. “The only reason why Woody and I are still friends is because I’ve diagnosed all kinds of his skin tags…”

    I don’t know if this is the humblest of brags, but it’s definitely in the top two.

  2. I predict a very low amount of comments and votes on this article. That would require scrolling down past that picture.

    • Sad but true. Still had to do my part for the ladies by writing this comment. BOOM – I’ve just reversed five minutes of a long history of objectification!

  3. I also love hand sanitizer and hate shaking people’s hands.

    Me + ScarJo + Wood = BFF

  4. i’m not going to apologize for looking at her naked pictures on the interwebs, and she isn’t going to apologize for her album of Tom Waits covers. even steven.

  5. Later in the interview:

    “I know our relationship might seem unusually close to outsiders, but nothing would ever happen between us. He thinks of me like a daughter.”

  6. Dear ScarJo,

    You can squirt whatever you want in my hands after I squirt in yours.

    Love,
    Bubbles

  7. i guess this explains why the wood-man doesn’t want to upset their fragile relationship and tell her to move her arms when she walks.*

    *in all of the woody allen movies she’s in, she seems to have no idea what to do with her arms. you can’t un-notice this and it ruins match point, upsets the flow of vicky, christina, barcelona, and makes scoop watchable.

    • I’ve been looking for a reason to finally see VCB and RE-watch Scoop (BLEH! but Ian McShane Yay!) and Match Point (Ehh, alright, ok, it was alright, a little insufferable).

      Now that I know I can be distracted/entertained by ScarJo’s lack of arm direction, sitting back down for the Allen/Johansson trilogy doesn’t seem nearly as ominous.

  8. She has a cute bum too, yes? that nudie pic of her bum…. pretty cute.

  9. So this means at some point Woody Allen was like “You know that kid who follows me around with the Purell? She’s got a good, um, face. Let’s get her in the movies.”

  10. I didn’t listen to the Waits cover album, because I don’t listen to Tom Waits, but I lurved what she did with Pete Yorn. She’s my favorite.

  11. “I get lots of rashes so I’ve become kind of an expert.” – ScarJo

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post, reply to, or rate a comment.