I’m not sure if everyone reading this is as politically aware as I am, but: HOLY COW. (The end.) (End of post.) (Stop reading.) The latest bullet point in the very long list of 2012 presidential candidate gaffes is Herman Cain’s sexual harassment accusation and the handling thereof. Two women accused him of sexual harassment while he was head of the National Restaurant Association in the ’90s, and each of the women received some sort of settlement package. Cain first denied knowing about this, but now he isn’t denying knowing about it, but also he’s stil denying knowing anything specific about it. WHAT A MESS! Sexual harassment lawsuits are obviously a very tricky thing, even when the claims are baseless, and from what I know, which is basically nothing, but just from a common sense perspective it would make sense to settle them quietly because even if the claims are proven to be false in the end you’re still forever someone who was accused of sexual harassment. But then also, why are you being so F’ING confusing about it, Herman Cain? I know you are new to the political game, but these things are going to turn up. Especially when they’ve already turned up and someone is asking you if they’re true and you’re telling them that you don’t know? How do you not know? Just TELL US THE THINGS YOU KNOW! (Unless those things are that you sexually harassed two women.) (Then you should just stop wasting everyone’s time running for president.) (And also stop sexually harassing people.) One of the things he DOES remember, and one thing that he’s talking about on all the shows, namely On the Record with Greta Van Susteren last night, is what he did to make one of the women feel uncomfortable and possibly sexually harassed. And that is that he compared the height of this women to the height of his wife. He explains it to Greta (at about 6:20 in):

Ugggghh, HERMAN! First of all that just doesn’t make any sense, but more importantly it leaves WAY TOO MUCH to the imagination. I keep picturing you alone in your office with a woman comparing her height with the height of your wife (for whatever reason, in my mind it’s because you needed to buy a special box for your wife to stand in as if she were your own Barbie doll, not because you like to objectify your wife, but just because it’s like a fun thing you guys wanted to do, not like a sexual thing but just like a hanging out around the house and just being fun kind of a thing, like you were going to imagine that she was a Barbie that came to life, but you wanted the box to be basically her exact height so you called this woman in and you were like, “Hey you seem like you’re my wife’s height, I’m trying to get her this box, LONG STORY, but here let me see if you’re her height…” So he did the measuring thing and she got weirded out and he wasn’t even able to ask her her height in the end so it was all ruined anyway) and trying to make it sexual, which is super gross. Ugh, gross, goodness gracious. So, what I’d like to propose here is: Why don’t you think of a better, simpler non-sexual gesture? You can just pick one of these from this list:

  • You were cracking your knuckles in that way people do sometimes where it’s kind of like they’re making a spooky hand gesture/breast squeezing hand gesture. But really they’re just cracking their knuckles. Know what I mean? You can say you were doing that.
  • You can say that she walked into your office and you said, “Come on, sit on my lap,” but you were just practicing for when you were going to be Santa that year and you didn’t even notice she came in.
  • You were having a conversation with her and staring at her breasts the whole time but only because you just remembered something TERRIBLE and it was where your gaze just happened to fall, unfortunately, but it was mostly like your were blacked out anyway because of the terrible thing you were remembering. So it was as if you were staring at nothing.
  • You slapped her on the butt because for a sec you thought that would be ok and non-sexual, but then you were like, Oooooops!
  • Ummmmmm
  • Youuuuuu accidentally touched her breast because she was leaning over your desk and you had to reach for a pen but you were immediately so embarrassed because it was an accident, but you didn’t want to say anything because you thought drawing attention to it would just make it more embarrassing for both of you.
  • You made the “big boobs” hand gesture on yourself while she was in your office because you saw somebody do it and thought it looked funny and you didn’t know what it meant.
  • You told her she was the same size as your wife and you were holding your hand to your chest, and she thought you meant cup size because SHE was the one with her mind in the gutter.
  • You’re super sarcastic and everybody always tells you that they can’t tell when you’re joking, which is always kind of annoying because to you it’s pretty obvious when you’re joking. So this was just one of those case where you asked if she’d like to have sex in a very sarcastic voice, but she didn’t get that it was just a joke.

See! All of those are much more easily recognizable as misinterpreted sexual harassment claims. And all of the candidates have been changing their positions on things so frequently I doubt anyone will really have the energy to care about this particular flip-flop too much. So, you’re welcome. Pizza party in the White House.

Comments (29)
  1. “Even way back in those days, I was thinking about running for president. I was with her in my office, explaining my 69-69-69 plan, and she just took it the wrong way.”

  2. I was totally coming in here to Winwood the heigt-height thing, but you fixed it!

    You fast, Kelly!

  3. Mo pizza, mo problems

  4. But also, eww, Herman Cain, Don’t Go To Bed, because Bed is where sexy things happen, and you’re gross.

  5. “I made a gesture that was misinterpreted, but I just wanted the young lady to know that she churns butter just like my wife churns butter.” — Herman Cain

  6. Herman Cain is really making me re-evaluate my relationship with pizza.

  7. Wow, poor guy must sexually harass like dog shit.

  8. “I was simply demonstrating how a stick of pepperoni is approximately the girth of my encircled thumb and forefinger.”

  9. “when i asked her how she liked sausage, i was talking about pizza. when I said ‘mmm-mmmm—MMH! i want to get me a slice of that!’ i was talking about pizza. when i showed up at her house in the middle of the night in a delivery uniform and told her she gets a free taste of the chocolate walnut sauce I. Was. Talking. About. Pizza.”


    Gunna do that when I take notes for class. Then when my classmates ask me for my notes because they were off doing yoga at OWS (I go to the New School) they will just be confused and elated at the same time just like I just was.

  11. I loved Zach on Conan when he did his new character ‘the Man Who Gestures Wrong’.

    “So I saw this lady and she had…”
    (makes big boobs gesture)
    “Breast cancer.”

  12. If he follows ANYTHING with that creepy slow smile, it’s harassment.

  13. This story needs more pubic hair on Coke cans.

  14. “I was mimicking the shakeweight. I explained to her that my wife uses the shakeweight, and she’s about this tall, and I just suggested, while making this shakeweight gesture *makes gesture for Greta* that if she was as tall as my wife (and she was) she would be able to use the shakeweight you know what nevermind I’m guilty.”

  15. All of these republican candidates are making Mittens Romney look a lot less like this:

    • Not for long, just wait until he markets Mitten’s Mittens, the politician friendly touchy-feely gloves! Now you can molest at will without the fear of ever leaving fingerprints. Brought to you by the makers of Obama Pajamas.

  16. With apologies to women, Mexicans, the 99 percent, a large chunk of the other 1 percent, democrats, lots of republicans, intellectuals, reasonable people, parents, respectable pizza barons, Obama, the other candidates, and the rest of the world, can we just let this guy be President to see what would happen? It would be like four years of gym class with a substitute teacher. Maybe it would be awesome and hilarious. My opinion is probably colored by the fact that I’m not American, but I hang out there a lot. Anyways, think about voting for him, you guys! How bad could it go? If it goes really bad, maybe Canada will give you refugee status. It’s worth a shot.

  17. She was pretty much asking for it being the same height as his wife.

  18. “I never sexually harrassed anyone. If I did it I don’t know anything about it. And if I did, I settled it out of court. And if I settled out of court, I don’t know anything about that, because someone else did it for me.” Herman Cain, Ph.D., University of Bullshit

  19. thank you baseless god

  20. “We are the same height. That is neat.” – Dean of Admissions, Stanford.

  21. On the matter of forever being someone who was accused of sexual harassment: A male teacher at an elementary school near me was accused of molesting some little girl in his class, and it turned out that the claim was 100% completely fabricated and he wasn’t found guilty of shit, but regardless, dude hasn’t taught a single day of school since.

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