heat

Over the weekend, I engaged in the classic Halloween tradition of re-watching Michael Mann’s Heat on DVD. We all did. It’s a pretty good movie! It’s a little long. Like, at one point near the end, right before Robert DeNiro is going to try and pull his getaway (SPOILER ALERT: Robert DeNiro tries to pull a getaway) they show him pull into the service alley behind a hotel, make a three point turn, and then park. But, like, with lots of edits so that you see the car go down the alley, you see the driver’s point of view as he makes a three point turn, you see the car park. It’s a lot of time spent on this whole parking situation when we’ve already been watching the movie for two and a half hours. Just little things like that. There’s also a scene where Al Pacino is riding around in a helicopter and then he calls someone on his Walkie Talkie and asks them to meet him at a heliport with a car but so it’s like well then what was the point of him being in the helicopter? Don’t get me wrong, helicopters = megaCOOL. But, so, ANYWAY, it’s a pretty good movie, like I said, and a little long, like I said, but overall thumbs up, Michael Mann. Let me be the first person in 16 years to tell you that you did a good job making this movie. Of course, one of the big draws about Heat at the time that it came out besides it being a big budget heist movie was that it was the first time that Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino had acted together. They were both in the Godfather, but they didn’t have any scenes together. In Heat, they had a cup of coffee at a diner! And became friends who wanted to murder each other! It was the moment everything changed. After that people would talk about a pre-Heat and a post-Heat world. (Later, Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro would go on to star together in Righteous Kill, which has amazed critics by remaining the #1 movie in America for 143 straight weeks!) I was thinking about this “cinematic event” while I was watching Heat this weekend, though, and trying to figure out who would be OUR generation’s cast of Heat, just an unparalleled collection of talent powerhouses who have never been in a movie together before and whose appearance in a movie together would send SHOCKWAVES through known world. It’s tough!

First, you have to figure out who are the big actors these days. Besides Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino. They are disqualified from this game. Who do we got? Here is a preliminary list:

Brad Pitt
Tom Cruise
Leonardo DiCaprio
Christian Bale
Will Smith
George Clooney

Obviously, there are famous women actors, too, but we will save them for the Bridesmaids remake or whatever. Heat is about DUDES, OK? No offense, but can’t we men have something for once, ladies, without you always trying to take it away from us with all your nagging?! Men don’t have anything. It’s ridiculous how much you nag. That’s why you’re single. OK, so, those are the main ones, right? I mean, there’s a couple Philip Seymour Hoffmans and Jack Gyllendahl’s lying around, but I don’t think they’re big enough. It’s a small pool, really. I think your best bet is going to be a Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise vehicle. (Although making a big deal about Will Smith and Leonardo DiCaprio FINALLY appearing together on the big screen would be HILARIOUS.) Oof, I already hate this movie that I just made up so much! What would it even be? Like, a government spy dressed in a skinny, shiny suit with an open-collared shirt sent back in time to confront a Roman warrior about his sports management company’s release of biotoxins into the atmosphere? (You could kind of argue that OUR generation’s Heat was OUR generation’s Ocean’s 11, but that would defeat the whole purpose, so why would you even do that and also R.I.P. Bernie Mac. Too soon. How could you?) Oh, also, instead of Henry Rollins, OUR generation’s Heat would have Tyler the Creator.

What is it? Did I figure it out? Can you figure it out? You figure it out.

Comments (48)
  1. Larry the Cable Guy and a Jeff Dunham puppet.

    Too intellectual?

  2. The Ryans Gosling and Reynolds. One would be a psychopath planning a heist of MURDER. And the other would shoot rays.

    They’d meet in a Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf and become a crack team of DJs. The second half of the movie would include a shopping for DJ clothes montage, a parties montage, a things going wrong and breaking up montage, and then a training montage for the rematch. There’d be a shootout too but mostly it would be montages.

  3. Teller and Mr. Bean

  4. Charlie Sheen and Ashton Kutcher.

  5. Hugh Jackman and dry pants.

    Now there’s an intense diner scene.

  6. Pitt and Clooney: it’s a prank-off!

  7. I think they’d have to be a little older than DiCaprio, for instance, to measure up to the “I can’t believe they haven’t worked together yet” factor of Heat. But not TOO old. Like…Gene Hackman and Jack Nicholson are both good actors, but who cares, kind of?

    It’s not really surprising to see any of the Ocean’s 11 guys with anyone else at this point, because those movies were just excuses to have interesting groups of co-stars. That said, Clooney is still a pretty big leading-man type STAR, right? So…

    Tom Hanks and George Clooney?

  8. Call off the search, everybody. I just remembered that Dane Cook was already on Louie.

  9. James Franco and Shia Labeouf

  10. ryan gosling and ryan reynolds

  11. Buster Keaton, Kermit the Frog, Jimmy Stewart, I’m not very good at this game.

  12. Natalie Portman and Jessica Alba.

  13. Daniel Day-Lewis and John Lithgow

    • Actually, Lithgow would be appropriate if it was purely a battle of over-the-top-ness.

      Daniel Day-Lewis and Bryan Cranston would be the best for a battle over INTENSITY.

      • Are you saying that Cranston isn’t over the top?

        • I think what I’m saying is Cranston’s intensity + Lithgow’s over-the-top-ness = DDL

          At least that’s the equation I seem to have presented, although i don’t know if I agree with it.
          I’d rather watch Cranston than Lithgow, was really my thinking.

      • If we are talking competitions, why not 30 Rock it and have Alec Baldwin and Will Arnett compete in a low, gravelly voice Talking Battle? WHO YA GOT

      • How ’bout Lithgow and Christopher Walken to cover that “they used to be intense and scary but are now just kind of good natured characatures of themselves’ angle.

        Oh wait, DeNiro and Pacino already have that covered.

  14. “Who is our generation’s cast of HEAT?”

    The cast of Fast Five, OBVIOUSLY.

  15. Gabe – Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt already played this game, a whole year before HEAT. Maybe they could remake both movies: DRIVING AROUND WITH A VAMPIRE.

  16. Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. BOOM! Obviously Aniston plays the cop and Jolie plays the theif.

  17. Gabe’s generation’s cost of heat is Robert Redford and Paul Newman

  18. Shia Leboof and Dane Cook. Name of the film would be Douche Squared x 2.

    Billy Bush and Simon Baker. Name of the film: “Hey guy we kind of look alike, fella”

    Just remembered a funny halloween joke I just heard: What do you call an older lady who wears an inappropriately slutty halloween sexy slut costume that is age inappropriate? A Freddie Cougar.

  19. Cage and Wiseau

  20. Sandler and Sandler. Our generation’s Heat is right around the corner.

  21. What should happen: Leonardo DiCaprio and Christian Bale
    What will happen: Martin Lawrence and Nathan Lane

  22. Tom Cruise/Tom Hanks

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