EVERYBODY! I HAVE SOME MORE INCREDIBLY EXCITING NEWS! IF YOU’VE JUST TAKEN A BITE OF YOUR LUNCH I SUGGEST THAT YOU EITHER SWALLOW IT RIGHT NOW OR YOU SPIT IT OUT INTO A TISSUE AND THEN THROW IT AWAY. IT’S UP TO YOU TO DECIDE WHICH THING YOU WANT TO DO, DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH LUNCH YOU HAVE LEFT OR HOW FAR ALONG IN THE CHEWING PROCESS YOU ARE WITH THIS BITE, OR WHATEVER. HOWEVER YOU WANT TO DECIDE, IT DOESN’T REALLY MATTER TO ME AT ALL. I’M JUST SAYING THAT IF YOU READ THIS EXCITING BIT OF NEWS WHILE YOU’RE TRYING TO SWALLOW A BITE OF SOME LUNCH YOU’RE 100% DEFINITELY GOING TO CHOKE ON IT AND DIE, AND IF YOU DIE YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO ENJOY/HATE OR TALK ABOUT THIS NEWS, AND IT IS NEWS THAT YOU ARE DEFINITELY GOING TO WANT TO ENJOY/HATE AND TALK ABOUT!!!!! SO. FIRST. REMEMBER HOW BELLA AND EDWARD ARE GOING TO GET MARRIED IN A TWILIGHT MOVIE? AND HOW WE ALL DESPERATELY WANT IT TO NOT BE A MOVIE, AND INSTEAD BE REAL LIFE? BECAUSE THEN WE’LL FINALLY KNOW FOR SURE THAT LOVE IS REAL AND NOT JUST A THING FROM BOOKS AND STUPID LOVE SONGS THAT WERE WRITTEN ONLY TO MAKE MONEY AND PROMOTE AN IDEA THAT JUST ISN’T REAL OR IS, AT BEST, SOME SORT OF CHEMICAL REACTION IN YOUR BRAIN OR WHATEVER? WELL!!! FROM MSN!!!!!!!:

Robert Pattinson has revealed that he and real-life girlfriend Kristen Stewart could have accidentally become man and wife thanks to their Twilight wedding. …

“The wedding scene’s funny because we used a real priest. So technically we are already married because he did all the things you would do in a normal ceremony,” he said during a press conference in Stockholm, Sweden, on Friday. “So we don’t have a civil union in law, but I guess in the church we are actually married.”

ACTUALLY MARRIED! IN THE CHURCH! HE GUESSES!!!!!!!!!!!! SO WHEN YOU SEE THE TWILIGHT MOVIE AND THE REAL PRIEST IS SAYING ALL OF THOSE THINGS, HE IS ACTUALLY SAYING THEM!!! AND THEY ARE ACTUALLY MARRIED!!!! IN THE CHURCH!!!! I’M ASSUMING SOME SORT OF CHRISTIAN CHUCH THOUGH I’M NOT SURE HOW CHRISTIANITY FITS INTO BEING A VAMPIRE THOUGH FROM WHAT I’VE HEARD ALL THOSE BOOKS ARE SOMEHOW ABOUT CHRISTIANITY ANYWAY SO I GUESS IT WORKS!! IN ANY CASE, LOVE EXISTS! GOD EXISTS! HAPPINESS EXISTS! I HOPE NONE OF YOU DIED READING THIS! R.I.P. IF YOU DID! I HOPE HEAVEN IS FULL OF ROBERT PATTINSON AND KRISTEN STEWART WEDDINGS, LET US KNOW IF IT IS!!!!!!!!

Comments (33)
  1. Can we get a tween or a cat lady up in here to explain to me how on Earth Twilight became a thing? I feel like this is something Christine O’Donnell* would be really into.

    *a fitting and timely reference

    • I’m not a tween, but after writing an exhaustive recap of the previous Twilight movie on my blog, I feel like I can get inside the brain of one. Here goes: everything is life and death to a tween because of their RAGING HORMONES, so a story wherein some chick is literally almost dying all the time and wants to for real die to be with some glittery dude forever is an accurate portrayal of their inner turmoil.

    • Also, tweens are dumb and historically have terrible taste in everything.

  2. Also, the baby Bella gives birth to in the film was a real baby, so technically she belongs to Kristen Stewart now.

  3. We are married because CHURCH.

  4. Tom Hanks is already on his way to the courthouse to obtain a marriage certificate on their behalf in his greatest prank to date.

  5. “My Marriage is Twilight.” -These guys

  6. Christianity fits perfectly with being a vampire, Kelly. Christians drink human blood every week, duh.

  7. this doesn’t count. sure, you could say all of those things youre supposed to say, and use a real priest, and even have it be a highly-publicized television event on the E! channel, and it could still not be a real marriage.

  8. The Office did “the fake wedding was a real wedding!” better.

  9. “I refuse to believe”- every tween girl

  10. This must be how the honeymoon goes:

    Robert Pattinson: *nervous laughter* [looks away]

    Kristen Stewart: *nervous laughter* [agreeing nod, checks time]

  11. Those lucky guys! Not everyone’s wedding video has a multi-million-dollar production value and includes the wedding night, birth of their first child and bloody transformation of the bride into an undead creature at the hands of her new husband.

  12. That’s not how it works, but also, if it was, I’m pretty sure their real names aren’t Edward and Bella so… DOUBLE NOPE.

    You are saying lies!

  13. Well, we all know that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are such committed character actors, that it doesn’t seem too unlikely that they signed a real marriage license along with two real witnesses. You know, for art!

  14. Huh. That’s weird. I could’ve sworn I just heard the loud screech of 100000 little girls screaming “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Maybe it’s just the wind.

  15. When I was 7 years old I married a bossy 9 year old girl in the church basement. The ministers son did the ceremony, so I’m afraid it was actually official. I went by the name Megatron and wore a costume I had constructed out of boxes. She wore a pink dress and a plastic tiara and pretended to be “Magic Princess Fairy Gwendalyn Cupcakes”. A few months later I moved away and haven’t seen her since. But apparently our wedding was totally legit. At least that’s what the court said as part of the alimony procedings. I now pay out $700 a month so she can sit around on her cupcakes and nurses a little robot baby that blinks its eyes when you lay its head down and transforms into a gun.

  16. Sorry RPattz, The Muppets Take Manhattan got there first.

  17. so what you’re saying is that i could have avoided an overnight retreat, 5 meetings with the priest, and 2 written personality tests in order to get married in the catholic church JUST BY PRETENDING TO BE MARRIED WHILE FILMING TWILIGHT?! JEEZ!

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