We don’t have time for a long movie history lesson here but just to get everyone caught up a bit, in 2008 M. Night Shyamalan released a film called The Happening that received seemingly endless praise from critics, normal viewers, and also the Academy. Everybody loved it so much and it was so good. No one had any problems with either the actors, or the things they said, or how the film was directed, or the plot of the film in general. Everybody loved it. Are you with me? Jesus Christ we don’t have time for this! IT WAS A SMASH HIT, END OF STORY. Well, I’m sorry for the spoiler here, but the spoiler in the movie was that all the plants were releasing a deadly toxin that made humans kill themselves because plants sometimes can release chemicals to defend themselves from threats, and humans are a threat because of how they kill the Earth all the time. It wasn’t a bad plot, actually, for that kind of movie! I don’t even know why I’m saying actually because we’ve already gone over how the movie was very well received, CAN WE PLEASE CONTINUE? Anyway, it is happening in real life! In Cambodia! From the Phnom Penh Post:

A day after 136 students collapsed at a Kompong Cham high school while standing at attention as punishment for not showing deference to the national flag, the local police chief offered a unique explanation for the mass fainting – trees.

“According to the hospital’s analysis, the reason why the students fainted is [because of] the huge tree in the school compound and the farmland surrounding the school, which absorbed the oxygen,” said Heng Meng, police chief of Chamkar Leu district, adding that the punishment could not be blamed as one of the teachers “also [had difficulty breathing] and felt dizzy” [...]…

Heng Phal Rith, school director of Bosknor high school in Chamkar Leu district, also cited the hospital’s report in blaming the incident on a lack of oxygen, adding that he “did not punish the students. It is just a rumour.”

Hahah, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. That seems pretty airtight! First I want to say that the explanation seems completely airtight, no pun intended, and second I want to say that it DEFINITELY sounds like the school director was not punishing those kids at all. Did someone say something about punishing kids? Because if someone said something about punishing kids, this guy can say, for one, that he was NOT punishing any kids. I think maybe everyone in this case needs to re-enter that dialogue with Ashton Kutcher about rumors and book mills, etc. In any case, we are all surrounded by plants all the time and are clearly going to die very very soon unless we come up with a solution! I don’t remember at all how the movie ended, but I’m pretty sure Mark Wahlberg and Zooey Deschanel survived because they were the heros and stars and if they died it would’ve been too much. So. MARK WAHLBERG! HOW DID YOU SURVIVE? PLEASE TELL US HOW TO SURVIVE!

MAAAAAARRRRRRK!!!!! (Thanks for the tip, Stephen!)

Comments (29)
  1. First they eat our kites now they try to kill our children, is there nothing trees won’t do, except be in greater quantity now than a hundred years ago

  2. “You see, Your Honor, it was the trees that made me do it. The bank robberies, the murders, the endless profanity; all because of those #$@#%$%$*&@!%@!@%$ trees!” – Best Defense Ever

  3. I’m no plant scientist, but I’m pretty sure trees produce oxygen.

  4. Ok! I still have Uno, hopefully the secret Videogum alien invasion bunker also works against trees.

  5. it wasn’t ghaddafi that killed all those people, it was the sand!

  6. Did Zooey Deschanel sing in this movie? I don’t think she did! That’s the twist!

  7. Wait, trees absorb oxygen? Why, depriving children of oxygen could make them autistic! I smell a new Jenny McCarthey cause.

  8. I thought the Happening was what we nicknamed the new Wahlburgers down the street.

  9. I thought the real criminals were:

  10. They had to be alone to survive right? Far away from everyone the trees attacked GROUPS of people not single individuals because that makes way more sense! Soooo…run and hide everyone?

  11. Science will come up with some reason to put in the books.

  12. This report reassures me that I am doing the right thing by always forgetting to water my plants.

  13. That would explain why there’s been an uptick in people eyein’ my lemon drinks.

  14. everyone in history ever keeps going on about ridiculously bad this movie is… but i actually thought that was the whole point of it? i thought it was purposely made to be like an old school sci-fi movie? the acting style is so out of a late 50′s or early 60′s period.

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