You used to be able to count on things in life. Even the most simple things — the changing of the seasons, for example — occurring again and again could provide some sort of comfort in an otherwise unreliable, fluctuating world. Spring would eventually turn to winter, old people would die, books would be made of paper, and Harry Potter DVDs would remain available for purchase. Each a once-reliable fact of life that we all took for granted, and now look. The seasons are all melding into one unrecognizable garbage season, death has been all but abolished, books are made of computers, and at the end of this year Harry Potter DVDs and Blu-Rays will no longer be on the shelves. I can almost hear the loose threads holding it all together finally coming undone. “Chk-chk-errrr-rrrrrrraaccshh” is what it sounds like. From The Hollywood Reporter:

Warner Bros. said Monday that it plans to stop shipping Harry Potter DVDs and Blu-ray Discs to retailers at the end of the year. The move, which is clearly intended to boost sales of the biggest box office franchise of all time, will take effect as of Dec. 29.

Warners said it will stop shipping all titles, including box sets and special and limited editions. That includes the final title in the franchise, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2, which hits stores Nov. 11, as well as Harry Potter: The Complete 8-Film Collection.

But what if you were planning on having your New Year’s resolution be to buy every Harry Potter Blu-Ray in the week after January 1st? What if you get into the series because someone buys you all the books for Christmas/Hanukkah and then you want to buy all of the Blu-Rays and you can’t even wait, you need them right GD now because you want to see if they did it the way you pictured it and you don’t want to forget how you pictured it? What if other things? Warner Brothers offers no solutions to these problems, of course, typical Warner Brothers. So as a Harry Potter expert, just kidding, I don’t know anything about Harry Potter, but as a LIFE expert, just kidding, that one is an even bigger just kidding, I’ve taken it upon myself to put together a few to help out anyone in need. 

Buy All of the DVDs and Blu-Rays Right Now

The most obvious solution, so I thought I’d put it up front. Definitely buy them all right now just in case, even if you don’t really care for Harry Potter. Who knows where you’ll be on December 29? You can’t say, really! No one can. We all know how things can change. People can change. Promises once made sincerely can be broken in an instant and it’s never anyone’s fault except for in some cases when it is totally someone’s fault. Maybe you’ll even be dead? Then, if your dead, you can:

In Your Will, Leave Your Harry Potter DVDs and Blu-Rays To Someone Who Doesn’t Have Them Yet

They won’t be brand new, so it’s definitely kind of a shitty thing to give someone, but you’ll be dead anyway so who cares. If you don’t have anyone to leave them to (if everyone you know owns every Harry Potter movie on Blu-Ray and DVD), write something in your will about someone you know standing in the DVD section of a Wal-Mart with a fake Wal-Mart uniform on and when someone asks for a Harry Potter DVD/Blu-Ray that is not in stock, that person gives them your Harry Potter DVD/Blu-Ray. Ooohh and write a note in it about how if they’re reading this that means you are dead, that would be the best.

Medically Induced Coma

Go into a medically induced coma beginning on December 29 until whenever they’re back on the shelves for good. First check to see what you will be missing in your life if you do this. Do you have tickets to something? Plane tickets to somewhere? Shows to watch? Weddings to attend? Deal with these things first if yes.

Stock up on Harry Potter DVDs and Blu-Rays and Sell Them at a Higher Cost Online

People will clearly be going nuts about buying Harry Potter DVDs and Blu-Rays once the planned shortage is in full effect. Sell them for a billion dollars and get rich quick, no doy.

Make Your Own Harry Potter Movies

This is the most fun option. First, write the scripts. You are the writer and do not let ANYONE give you notes about what goes on in your Harry Potter movies. So what if things don’t make sense? Do WIZARDS make sense? No. These are your movies and everything happens the way you say. Do you have a friend who has a nice camera? If yes, hire them to film the movie for no money. You are the star in the movie. Watch these movies until you forget that there is any other kind of Harry Potter movie.

Eternal Sunshine Harry Potter From Your Brain

Eternal Sunshine Harry Potter from your brain.

Pretend You Are Harry Potter And Your Life Is His Life

If you’re Harry Potter, why do you even need to own DVDs and Blu-Rays of your own life? You’re living it now, hellooooooo. Every day is a new movie and a new adventure. Draw a lightening bolt on your head and get Harry Potter clothing and then just live, man. Just fucking live.

That’s it! I think that’s enough to get you out of this sales-boosting momentary Harry Potter DVD and Blu-Ray drought. I am deeply sorry for the loss and for how Warner Bros. is offering no support, but as a people we’ve gotten through much worse, like how all of the books are computers now. Remember that and have a wonderful December 29 – ?.

Comments (37)
  1. I’ll be honest, I didn’t really care when I read this, because I’ve never seen any of the Harry Potter movies. But then I accio’d a rat’s ass, and came up with the perfect solution:

    Tyler Durden some copies of the movies into existence.

    It’s economical, and since they don’t exist outside of your head, they can play out however you want! In mine, Harry mostly just uses his powers to make Christina Hendricks make out with Christina Ricci.

  2. So Harry Potter is going to become He Who Cannot Be Purchased?

  3. Now my Gary Podder series of dvds will sell like hotcakes or froyo cupcakes or whatever sells a lot now

  4. 1. Netflix
    2. Blockbuster
    3. Watch Game of Thrones

  5. I plan to just be insufferably smug while reading the books in front of people who couldn’t get the movies. Because I am a bit of an asshole.

  6. I’m glad your helpful suggestions are now a regular collumn, Kelly. Doing great!

    And I’m not just saying this because your mom is here.

  7. Jan. 1, 2012

    Lawblog walks through the vast wasteland that earth has become after the great Potter riots of 2011, his arms clutching the complete Harry Potter 8 film blu-ray set.

    Lawblog: All the Harry Potter! All the Harry Potter I’ll need! All the Harry Potter I’ll ever want! And there’s time, now. All the time in the world!

    He runs home with joy. As he walks across the living room he trips on the rug and falls to the ground. There is a sickening CRUNCH. He looks down and sees his blu-ray player, crushed under him.

    Lawblog. That’s not fair… That’s not fair at all… There was time now. There was all the time I needed. It’s not fair… It’s… not fair.

    He breaks down, sobbing.

    THE END

  8. Well my Christmas shopping is done.

  9. Look, we’ll all have only a year left to live after December 2011, anyways. I mean, this news should not come as a surprise. We all knew it would happen. It was right there in the Book of Revelation all along. (Chapter 16, verses 1-5)

    1: And I heard a great voice out of the temple saying to the seven angels, Go your ways, and pour out the vials of the wrath of God upon the earth.
    2: And the first went, and poured out his vial upon the earth; and there fell a noisome and grievous sore upon the men which had the mark of the beast, and upon them which worshipped his image.
    3: And the second angel poured out his vial upon the sea; and it became as the blood of a dead man: and every living soul died in the sea.
    4: And the third angel, ever the most business-savvy of all the angels, manufactured an artificial demand for the digital media products of the Harry Potter franchise, and mankind was filled with an insatiable bloodlust for even the slightest glimpse of the boy magician.
    5: And I heard the angel of the waters say, Thou art righteous, O Lord, which art, and wast, and shalt be, because thou hast judged thus. Accio Armageddon!

  10. Disney has the Vault. Harry has the Chamber of Secrets. Smooth marketing tactics.

  11. Harry Potter and the Free Market Enterprise

  12. Duh, Kelly, you obviously use that watch that can turn back time from the third book and make it so it’s always December 29th, 2011.

  13. Spring turns ta Wintah…you aint kidd’n Kelly. It’s like we nevah even get a Summah or Fall around heeyah.

    #newenglandgum

  14. They can’t do this to me! You can’t even pre-order the stupid 1-8 set yet and they’re already talking about taking it off the market?! What is this madness!!

  15. You guys!! If you have a region-free DVD player, you can pre-order on amazon UK for like $40!!!

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00543R3WG/ref=ox_ya_os_product

    • Also, if you want a region-free DVD player, go to Wal-Mart and buy the absolutely cheapest player they have. Those almost never have regional lockout.

  16. Wait a minute. The Harry Potter movies were based on BOOKS?

  17. I’m planning on kidnapping the entire cast (including the corpse of Richard Harris) and shackling them in my basement to perform any of the movies whenever I want. Why wasn’t that a suggestion?

  18. True story: Warner Bros. is also not releasing the newest Harry Potter DVD/Blu-ray to libraries/rental services until a month after the retail release date. Not that it’s that shocking since their goal is to make money, but still a shame.
    Oh, and Harry Potter isn’t the only one. I can’t remember the rest of the new releases on the list, but Harry Potter was what the librarians I know were so upset about, what with it being based on a book and all.

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