Cool. Thanks for opening this dialog, Ashton. I guess we should just upload our own YouTubes and you will definitely see them and watch them and think about them and respond to them? And then we can do the same with each other’s YouTubes, until there’s just this sprawling collection of dimly lit YouTubes with terrible audio quality going back and forth, the same poop, forever? You know, like a dialog. Perfect dialog. The only thing smarter than “opening a dialog” by posting a direct-to-camera vlog that you recorded while watching football (and it’s worth pointing out that this copy is actually a re-upload by someone else, so it’s hard to know if Ashton Kutcher is even in control of this dialog anymore, or if the dialogmates have taken over the dialogsylum) is everything else Ashton Kutcher says in this video. It was expensive to print books and that is why social media is untrustworthy? BOOM! You did it, bro. You cracked the code. From Earnest Hemingway to Turntable.FM, it’s all a big fucking lie. I’m pretty sure this is what the movie Chain Reaction was about, and that you should be wearing the Harvard sweatshirt instead of Keanu Reeves, because you’re the genius and he’s just a fucking actor. Something tells me that you made this video in response to the rumors circulating over whether or not you are cheating on Demi Moore, but that’s less of an instance of a lie circulating around the globe in an instant because of Twitter, and more to do with a woman you raw-dogged doing an interview about it. Are tell-all interviews “social media”? I suppose as much as any of this has to do with “literature.” What are we talking about again? Ashton, could you please moderate the dialog that you opened? Some of the audience is losing the thread. (Via ONTD.)

Comments (43)
  1. What street does Ashton live on? Someone please go occupy it.

  2. What is it about that 2 and a half show? Lead guy goes kookoo bananas errytime

  3. Well, after finding a picture of ye olde publishers, I have to concede his point about them being gatekeepers.

    #awkwardjokesetup

  4. I heard that he cheated on her because he was dissatisfied that Demi didn’t want to have any more children, but I think that’s juts an ugly Rumer.

  5. Maybe he regrets getting to a million twitter followers first now.

  6. Due to the Butterfly Effect there are multiple truths, one in which he strangles the 23 year old girl with his umbilical chord

  7. And ya know, something makes me think he doth protesteth too mucheth

  8. I remember that guy. He always played guitar in the hallway in my freshman dorm and would trap you into really tedious stoned conversations when you really just wanted to find somebody with a fake ID to go on a beer run.

  9. Okay Ashton, I’ll play your game.

    I agree with you (maybe not your solution which is for everyone to be nicer to each other).

    But I’ll take it a step further into the music world. I think because the cost of music has gone down so much, what with your spotitys and freeness, the quality of music has declined too. That’s not to say there’s not good music out there (brokencyde), but I think it’s much harder to maybe employ a full band if you’re not making as much money so you opt for making all the instruments on your mp8 box and running it through a future machine, which I feel has contributed to a higher proportion of garbage out there.

    • That’s a misconception that it is harder to employ a full band! I will play trombone and guitar and keys on anyone’s record for lunch and maybe some skittles. Please, I’m so hungry (and sugar withdrawaling.)

    • Bjork gave a good interview where she explained that everyone thinks that electronica has no soul, but she counters that it’s all about what the artist puts into it. There’s nothing about an acoustic guitar that makes it have more soul than an 808 or a synth. It’s all about what you do with it.

      (bonus Bjork quote: in an interview with Stereogum she also says “you mean I can be labelmates with sharks and lemurs?!” after National Geographic offered her a deal)

      • The counterpoint to soul-less synth-instruments is always Dormroom Acoustic Guitar guy. There are enough horrible soulless musicians out there. I’m with B’york. Aphex Twin’s got more soul than all of Coldplay combined.

      • No I definitely agree (tried to caveat with I think there is some really good music, and definitely good stuff that uses technology). However, and I don’t listen to a ton of pop, but the most popular music I feel like is using more and more technological resources to produce, on the whole, worse crap. And I forgot where I read the article about how pop stars are younger and younger now, but I think that has to do with how young people are more technologically capable (among other things) and therefore are able to produce music and “out-compete” others.

        And @djfreshie I propose we cover “Imagine All The Pizza”. I will record guitar and bass (just the guitar dropped down an octave), I need you to play the trombone solo. I’ll DM your videogum account with the track and fax you a bag of skittles

        • I’m still on board with that – Instead of dropping your guitar down the octave, we can use my MicroPog octave pedal, it’s kickass. I can also use the pedal to -up- my trombone into a trumpet and -down- it into a tuba. Suddenly we have a whole brass section.

          “Dear djfreshie and fondue chedder, it is me the ghost of John Lennon. I just came back (from the dead) to say thanks.” – Paul McCartney’s Ghost dressed as John Lennon.

    • I would say it’s less that people are making garbage music on their computers, but rather that it’s become incredibly easy for anyone with garage band to “make a song” and put it on the internet, in the same way that anyone with an iphone can “make a movie.” There’s still the same ratio of quality to bullshit, it’s just that we’re hearing a lot more of the bullshit. In fact, I would argue that we have much more access to good music than we ever did, and the quality of “computer” music can be pretty great if the artist knows what they’re doing.

      For example, did you know that “Mind Heist” (the famous theme from the Inception trailer) was made entirely on a computer? BWAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMP

      • I guess what I’m trying to articulate is that, due to the much reduced cost of music, it has incentivized people to make music more cheaply. This, in some cases, leads to FANTASTIC music. I think though, that popular music is MOSTLY this kind of thing, and less (and less and less) full bands, real voices, or actual instruments.

  10. His mouth says “lies”, but his beard says “sex offender”.

  11. We’ve already seen what a dialog with Ashton Kutcher is like. It doesn’t end well.

  12. And, of course, That ’70s Show remains popular in syndication.

  13. That’s my boyfriend/professor, Prof. Ashton Kutcher. I have an appointment with him when he holds office hours this afternoon.

  14. If you squint a little, the mullet-hair framing his face becomes the most INCREDIBLE, luxurious sideburns you’ve ever seen.

    • I had my eyes wide open while watching it, and i am not ashamed to admit that I seriously didn’t realize that those were not sideburns.

  15. Something something punk’d

  16. #badbadconversation

  17. 2:50
    *glances at cue card* you know that old saying that a lie can travel half way around the world before the truth *glances at cue card* before the truth leaves someone’s lips.

    Nice save, Kutch

  18. Didn’t know Ashton was such an intellectual. I guess he only played a dumb guy on TV.

  19. “It is yours to feast on”

    AND FEAST WE SHALL

  20. 1) Using gatekeeping when he means (?) curating or investigating.
    2) People are always forgetting that media is actually not open to anyone – just anyone who lives in a country/area with easily accessible up to date computers littered about. Poor African kids and the downtown east side of Vancouver (where I live close to which is the poorest area in Canada) are crying: “the fuck?!”
    3) What?

  21. Where is the LAUGH TRACK on this vlog? I am confused.

  22. Disappointed in the lack of Kelso gifs.

    Keep up the good work Gabe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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